The Light and the Darkness
by Elle Light
Summary: The tiniest details can change the course of history. A new future is born and the High Priestess is closer than ever to achieve what she wants. Though a price must be paid. But what is the witch craving for, after all? Merlin learns future is not set in stone, but it's the result of one's actions. Could he start from scratch after his friend's death? Part 1 of the trilogy L&D.
1. Fate l

_Love your friends but not with all your heart 'cause one day they may become enemies. Hate your enemies but not with all your passion 'cause one day they may be your friends._

Fate l

They were close to the lake of Avalon. They could see its bank; Merlin could already feel its powerful magic. It was hope in his heart; a feeling he had thought he would never experience again. They were so, so close, but was it really close enough?

The trip had drained the king of energy and he felt so tired that Merlin decided to stop for a while. Helping his friend get comfortable on the silky grass Merlin watched him fall asleep and leaned against the trunk of a tree next to his friend as waited for him to wake up every moment.

So many things had happened lately that Merlin could hardly understand how they'd actually come to pass. Arthur knew about his magic; Morgana knew he was Emrys; Mordred had betrayed them and all Merlin could think about was his friend.

New challenges would lurk in the gloom, waiting to overwhelm them. New enemies would prepare their weapons, hate would spread, danger would come from nowhere, but also new friendships could be forged and hope might rise once again.

He'd consider all of these later when the time came, the warlock would face all those challenges with Arthur by his side. He knew that his friend was going to need time to accept this new side of him and Merlin was willing to give him all the time he needed.

If only they got there on time.

Merlin was exhausted, but he struggled to stay awake. Leaving Arthur without protection, even for some moments, wasn't a good idea, more, they couldn't waste time. Every second was precious, but his magic fought against him as though it was trying to warn Merlin about something. Eventually, he didn't have the energy to stay awake and fell asleep before snapping his eyes open again. It had been only for a moment, but the memory of those few seconds was enough for him to sense the danger that sneaked slowly closer, threatening to turn everything he loved to ash.

Horrible images haunted his mind. Morgana using her magic to throw him away, he heard her speaking to Arthur, enjoying his death. He noticed himself holding Arthur's sword and planting it into Morgana's heart. Merlin heard himself saying goodbye and saw Morgana's last question dying on her lips. He cried when Arthur spoke the last words and Merlin begged him to stay, he couldn't accept Arthur's death, and Merlin struggled to save the king. He called the Great Dragon, but it was too late. Yet Kilgharrah assured him that the king would rise again. Arthur's dead body on a boat floating towards Avalon. The hand of the Lady of Lake catching Excalibur. Disaster that would followed. Gwen alone as queen. himself old and alone walking on a road. One after another images rolled inside his mind. He managed to wake up unable to retain a cry coming out his mouth.

One after another all his fears came true. He couldn't find the strength to watch his friend dying in his arms. Arthur had thanked him finally seen him for what he really was but it didn't feel right. It wasn't how it was supposed to be. The Great Dragon gave him some hope, but even if Arthur return, he didn't know how long he would have to wait and he couldn't help thinking that after everything Morgana had done, there would never be a place for magic anymore.

What worried him even more was that he was sure Camelot wouldn't be the only kingdom to believe that of magic. Tears fell down his face and he couldn't stop feeling more alone and lost than he had felt in his entire life.

He remembered a time when he was so happy Morgana had magic, when he thought he'd never feel alone anymore. The memory of Morgana brought back unsolved mysteries.

 _Where is she?_ the warlock wondered unable to understand how all the other events happened as he'd foreseen them.

 _May be it's a vision of the future where the king will be back again? Is she still a threat for the king, then? Was it my imagination?_

All these questions invaded his mind and the only explanation he could get was that his own fears had created them all. Merlin had known Arthur was going to die even if he hated to admit it. Everything was so obvious. All his dead friends rested on the bottom of the lake. He used to put them in a boat and set it on fire as he was watching it floating. He knew that his kind would suffer even more after the war.

 _But how could my imagination have known that Arthur would thank me or that Kilgharrah would foretell Arthur's return?_ _And_ _yet_ _something is missing to complete that dream, that part when I killed Morgana. How is it possible? How could I have been so accurate about everything but so wrong about that part?_ _But if it is another future how is possible for two futures to be so alike. It can't be._

Inertia was killing him. He needed to do something, he needed to be sure. Future or not he had to be sure. Deep inside he also knew that Morgana had to die. It was the only way to stop even a bigger evil.

* * *

He didn't know how much time had passed, it seemed like days. Though, it couldn't have been so long. The sun was setting down and the sky was on fire. It was breathtaking. The last sparkles of the twilight danced over the lake, making it look enchanting. A lovely song echoed in the forest. The voices didn't seem human. They were in every tiny corner of the forest, in every leaf, in every deer and squirrel, in the drops of dew, in the blow of wind, in the last sunshine; everywhere. These voices came from another realm, a land of magical beings, of immortal creature, the Island of Avalon, the place where mortal could only dream to catch a glimpse before they pass away.

Merlin could feel their magic. It was like fire and ice had mixed together, it was cold like ice and it burnt like fire.

Soon he could distinguish the shapes of nine women dancing holding hands. They were rolling and spinning. It was magical and wild, and insanely beautiful. They were singing, laughing and they, so young and full of life. Their long white dresses were so diaphanous that they seemed weaved of cobweb and their long silky hair fell down their ivory shoulders. Merlin was mesmerized.

"Hello, Emrys!" a girl said waking him up from his reverie. It came as a puff of wind.

"Hello, Emrys!" the ladies uttered in one voice. The way they spoke was hypnotizing, every single word was an ancient incantation.

"You seem lonely" a girl whispered in his ear. Merlin hadn't realized that they came so close to him. Their play was seducing and dangerous at the same time. They carried in their eyes the fascination of a new life and the mystery of death, the beauty of power laced with the most poisonous serpent venom. It was the same fascination which kept the victim under the spell of an imposing predator, although it had acknowledged the danger. All that Merlin could do in front of such wild beauty was to stare.

"You seem hurt" another added while playing with his hair.

"You seem lost" the third declared while dancing around him.

"There's so much darkness" the fourth stated, resting her tiny hand on his chest.

"And so much guilt" the fifth continued, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

"And so much to come" the sixth foretold, holding his cold hands in hers.

"So much to learn" the seventh supplied, caressing his face.

"To love" the eighth sang smiling, planting a kiss on his cheeks.

"Or to hate" the last one ended, showing a wicked smile.

"What does it mean?" he asked amazed, but the first one pressed her little finger on his lips.

"Shush. Listen." she demanded. "Mark our words because what will come depends on you."

"It's your choice" the last two added.

"You are the only one who can decide your own future." all the ladies said in a single voice.

"What you saw was the future, but it was one of thousands" the third cleared up.

"A single drop of water can change it.'' the fourth supplied

''It depends how important that drop is" the fifth uttered

From now on the ladies went so fast that it was too difficult for him to notice who was speaking. They words came as a whirlpool, a whirlpool created by their foot as they were dancing, rolling hand in hand, surrounding Merlin. They were the flames of the fire and the freshness of a summer rain. This strange mixture sent shivers on Merlin spine.

"Sometimes you can't notice"

''But sometimes it is there to see"

"Sometimes it changes so little"

"Sometimes it changes all" Then they stopped. The time froze as the sixth spoke.

"Some futures have been foretold as they were more likely to happen than others"

"But nothing is certain and you know that" all the other completed her statement in a single voice

"If Arthur hadn't found Kara, Mordred would have stood by his side." the seventh explained. Then the play started once over again, stunning and magical.

"It takes only a step"

"A decision"

"But you can't know where the road you have chosen leads.''

"And if you know, then it won't be a choice after all"

"The art of foreseeing is treacherous"

"You can't escape"

"You have to accept what you have chosen"

"Sometimes trying to avoid the bad way, you choose a worse one"

"Do what your heart tells you to do."

"Then you can be sure that it is the future you deserve"

"You can build anything"

"Or you can ruin what you have built"

''Something have altered the future your great powers foresaw."

"Is it bad?" Merlin stopped them with his worries, but their overwhelming game went on.

"It can be"

"It can be not"

"I don't understand." he cried. The eight took his hand and watched him in the eye as she spoke:

"If you want Morgana dead, you can kill her anytime." she enlightened him.

"Though, it won't be the same."

"It can't be the same"

"It would be another future.''

''Another consequences will follow"

"You will have this chance again''

''At least once''

''There are futures which say that you will not waste it"

"But do you want it?"

"The images you saw were the reason why the prophets had called you _her doom"_

"Choose wise, Emrys!" the ninth suggested. "Your future and future of Albion will depend on it"

"We will meet again, young warlock. Ask about the shes. That's how your kin calls us. You will hear horrible things about us; some may be true, while others are only legends. We don't reveal ourselves to anyone and we don't like to be chased. We can be unmerciful."

As the words were spoken the shes disappear, letting Merlin alone again. The grief wasn't gone and it wouldn't be. He had to do something, however, for the moment he chose to mourn his friend. Then, he would decide what he had to do.

* * *

 **I've made some changes as I wasn't happy with my first chapter. I hope you'll like it more.**

 **The shes are mythological immortal beings. It is said they looked like very beautiful women and they used to fascinate those who watched them. Some versions say that they were mischievous creatures who punished the people who had seen them, because they didn't like to be seen dancing naked. Other versions say that those who had seen them were not ordinary people and after that meeting they would never be the same. Those people would keep looking for perfection and as it doesn't exist they would spend their entire life disgusted by the world they lived in. The latter one is more poetical and it refers to motive of the genius (the genius is destined not to find happiness, to be always alone and distant to everything despite being immortal,** _ **look up the German philosophy: Kant, Schopenhauer)**_ **.**

 **Their name comes from the feminine form of the personal pronoun, but as the English language doesn't have a feminine plural form I used –s as plural.**

 **I've combined this folk tale with the legend of the three mythological Greek goddess: Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. They decided the destiny of the mortals and immortals. The first one wove the thread of life, the second measured it and the last cut it.**


	2. Fate ll

Fate ll

Morgana recovered from the fall she suffered only to find that Mordred was dead. Her last and only friend was lying at her feet and it was nothing she could do to change it. Burying him and she swore revenge with the fire burning in her heart. Her body was weak, but the hate and the grief she felt were too strong to let her rest. She had to do something.

She couldn't cry. The concept seemed so foreign to her now, but she remembered a time long ago when tears used to come so easily. She hadn't done that for for what felt like a decade. The desire to cry made her feel weak and she wasn't weak. she wasn't that kind of person anymore; little girl willing to sacrifice herself for others. She was sick of that.

The witch couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. She'd been stabbed, poisoned, crushed under layers of stones over the years. Living in misery had become her norm, as well as to starve, dream and see all her dreams turning into ashes, to trust and be betrayed over and over again. The healing bracelet helped her a lot, but there were things that couldn't be fixed no matter how powerful the magic she used. The best example was her soul: so damaged, so full of hate and pain.

She's never admit or think of herself in such a way, but after all that happened leaving nothing in her wake, Morgana's mind slowed down long enough for her to reflect on herself as a person. The image of herself five years ago was something she hardly recognized.

 _It is only because of Emrys_. _He ruined my dreams. He must suffer as I suffered all this time. I want him to beg me to put an end to his pitiful life. He had poisoned my dreams. I want him to fear me as I've feared him. But he will never do that. Even without his magic he had the courage to face me. I couldn't see fear in his eyes no matter how much I wanted._

Deep inside she knew that she didn't have the power to put Merlin on his feet, to ruin him.

 _If only he lost his friend. He would never forgive himself if Arthur died. It will_ _destroy him. And poor Arthur is wounded, wounded by Mordred's sword. None can survive, not even Arthur. Merlin won't be able to help him. But he would try to and he would have to reveal himself. I can't imagine Arthur's face when he would find that his loyal manservant is a sorcerer_

 _._ Her eyes flash with true hate and her wicked laugh echoed in the silent valley, the grave of so many knights and soldiers.

 _Hadn't it been for Emerys I would have won this war. But it's over, over for you, Emrys._

But she was too ill and deeply wounded. Soon she felt how her strength was leaving her and she couldn't stand on her feet. Soon her body fell down on the grass and the witch tried to call for Aithusa but her voice was too low her speech, but a whisper. Leaves were crunching underfoot nearby making her hope they were her allies. But she was wrong, very saw five men wearing chain mails and long dark capes. She knew for sure they weren't knights of Camelot as she would have recognized their red capes and that silly golden dragon anywhere. Judging the ferocity written on their faces they seemed like monsters than men. But Morgana was familiar with such people. After all, she wasn't known for her kindness.

One of those men approach to her and spoke in a mocking tone.

''What we have here?" He said laughing. "The famous witch, Morgana Pendragon. How do you feel my dear? I hope you'll love my _sweet home_. " He stopped as he wanted to enjoy the fear written on Morgana face." It doesn't matter anyway because I don't care."

She didn't have a chance to answer. The last thing she heard before she fainted was his evil laugh.

* * *

It was already night, but Merlin was still on the bank of the lake. He knew it was useless to wait, but he didn't have where to go. A part of him wanted to go back home, to his mother, but he didn't belong there anymore. He didn't want to hide anymore, to live a petty existence, to watch people being hurt and do nothing when he knew he could do some much for them. And he couldn't go home because he knew she was still waiting for her husband to come back home. Merlin hadn't had the courage to tell her yet that he had met his father, who'd sacrificed himself for him. No, he couldn't let himself to think of that. It was too painful. He had lost so many people in such a short time: Arthur, Lancelot, Freya, his father, Will and now he was forced to leave behind Camelot and people he loved. His last father's words came back in his memory:

"You are my son."

"I've seen enough in you to know you will make me proud…''

 _There's no coming back. There is nothing left for me here. No matter how much I need my friends and my mother I need to find my destiny, I have to fix the wrongs that had been made and I won't be able to do that in Camelot. I have to find those like me, to protect them from the evil that will come. People will need someone to blame for what Morgana had done. Many innocent people will suffer. People will take revenge on druids and sorcerers even if they are using their powers for good. I'm not going to allow that. Not anymore. I have to find a place for them, a place where they can live in peace. I have to warn them that war brings only death and that hate and revenge will bring more sufferance._

He knew that this same fear was what had changed Morgana and he want to prevent that for happening again. He would fight for justice; for those who were not able to protect themselves, sorcerers or ordinary people. _Albion will need all of them. The peace will be established only when they will be brothers again, when people won't fear the power of magic, but the darkness of men's heart._

The thought of his destiny reminded him of The Great Dragon's words. He felt so sad that he would never see him again. He was right about everything... A world of peace and beauty was everything Kilgharrah wanted, a world he had seen in his own dreams, but which he would never see. Then he remembered that he had to put an end to Morgana. He had to be sure that Camelot would be out of any danger, that Albion would flourish one day. The dragon had warned him, but he had been so blind.

 _What about the young dragon, Aithusa? He had told me she will wish only good for Albion, but she joined Morgana. How could she care for Albion? What should I do? She is the only dragon left, the last of her kind._ He knew that she meant good, that everything she had done, she had done because she loved Morgana. She was her friend. _How could I allowed Sarrum to do her such a harm. Despite all the evil Morgana had released I have to admit that she was there for Aithusa when I wasn't._ A smile appeared on his face as he thought about his first encounter with Kilgharrah.

" _Perhaps it's your destiny to change that.''_

 _Of course it is._ _I'm the last dragonlord, it's my duty to help her. I should have done that long time ago. Had I helped her then a lot of things would had been better and maybe Arthur would be alive now. I had to find her. That is how I should start. But I don't know how to call her._

He felt lost again not knowing what to do or how to start. He couldn't summon Kilgharrah, he is too old and weak and Merlin didn't want to harm him more.

 _Camlann. She must be there. I sent her away. She must have come back to look for Morgana. But that mean Morgana will be there too._. _Then I will kill her._ He said to himself. _She must be wounded._

It seemed easy to plan that, but he knew he wouldn't be so simple. The memory of the old Morgana still haunted him and he couldn't stop feeling guilty for the part he'd played in her destiny.

 _It's better for everyone. I will try to make it as quick and painless as possible. Maybe in death she would find the peace and love her soul is craving for._

* * *

 **I want to apologize if I've done too many mistakes. I do my best, but English is not my mother tongue and it doesn't come naturally to me. I need your help to improve my English and if you have time, correct me and give me some suggestion, please. What do you think about my story? (I know it is too early to ask you as you have no idea what is in store for them, though I would like to know your opinion). I'm sorry that I had to let Arthur die, but my story wouldn't have been possible if he lived. Don't worry, you will have him back, but it may take a while. Actually, (let me tell you a secret) you will have some Arthur's moments in the next chapter.**

 **I hope that this chapter hasn't confused you. That's is how I imagined them reacting to the recent events.**


	3. Memorial Lane

Memorial Lane

It was the end of the summer and people of Camelot could see five riders in the morning sun entering the gates of the castle. One of them, judging from his stature and clothes seemed to be a noble. His face revealed the features of strong and confident man, forged in many battles who used to be unmerciful and harsh. But the image of a cruel man would be easily dismissed if someone saw the little girl he was holding in his arms.

She was only ten, but even at this early age people could distinguish the lady she would become one day. Her green eyes were still full of tears for the lands she'd left behind, but she was also enchanted by the beauty of the castle and its surroundings. The little pixy tried hard to restrain herself from running far from the man who seemed to be her guardian. Her dark hair fell loose around her shoulders, but she enjoyed the wind twisting her curling locks together.

As her eyes were wandering around she saw a blonde lad coming down the stairs. She smiled as the boy, who looked to be the same age as she, came close to her. She was happy to have someone to play with.

"Let me present my son, Arthur Pendragon, Prince of Camelot _"_ the man who proved to be Uther, the king of Camelot, uttered watching proudly his beloved son.

"Welcome to Camelot, Lady Morgana" the boy said trying to copy the way his father used to speak with the ladies from the court.

"Nice to meet you, Prince Arthur" she answered trilled of the idea that she had finally met a prince, yet what she really wanted in that very moment was to ask him to play with her, but she was a lady and she had to act like one.

* * *

Morgana woke up early in the morning, smiling at the memories the night had brought her back. But it didn't last too much as she remembered she hated Arthur and all of that reminded her of her life in Camelot.

 _What you're doing, Morgana?_ Y _ou are not allow to be sentimental. Wait… It's not my fault that I had this dream. It doesn't mean that I miss Camelot or something like this, does it? My poor brother must be dead by now. Aw, poor thing…_

But she couldn't go on enjoying her brother's death as she remembered her encounter with that strange man. The thought that she might be a prisoner again made her blood ran cold. Even after such a long time she couldn't got out of her mind the horrible memories of the time she had spent in that well.

She was surprised to find out that there weren't any chains around her ankle or around her wrist.

 _Where am I?_ She wondered, impressed by the beauty of the surrounding.

She was in an orchard. There was fruit everywhere. The branches of the trees seemed too fragile for such a rich harvest. Delicious green apples, sweet juicy cherries, sour cherries, golden peaches, fresh apricots and so many other kinds of fruit. A cool spring, which fascinated her with its lovely murmur was running the middle of the orchard.

She couldn't understand how she got there, but she didn't want to lose her time with such stupid questions. What really mattered for her at that very moment was that she was very hungry and she couldn't believe her luck. But soon she had to find out how wrong she was.

When she tried to pick some apples the trees raised their branches and she couldn't reach them. She tried to climb the tree but the branch vanished in thin air and she fell down on a rocky land. She was starving. She wanted at least some cherries.

Cherries… They were Gwen's favorite. When they were only two little girls they used to hide in the orchard and climbed the old cherry-tree. They used to spend all the day there eating cherries and gossiping about Arthur.

She remembered the day she met Gwen. It was not long after her coming in Camelot when the king presented her a shy little girl named Guinevere.

Morgana liked the girl from the first moment and the girl proved to be a great company. Soon Morgana found that she wasn't shy at all and that Gwen loved so much to talk. For the first time in months, Morgana had someone to talk with and an accomplice in everything. And Morgana used to be a naughty girl.

 _Stop, Morgana. Not again. Don't be sentimental. Have you forgotten that she is wearing your crown? You must kill her._

She took a deep breath and tried to send away all those memories. She hoped that she would have at least some water. She cupped her hands and tried to collect water inside, but the water disappeared as she touched it.

"I see you enjoy your new home" she heard. An evil laugh followed. ''Tell me, what has happened that you look so disappointed?" he carried on in a mocking tone "My dear, things are not always as they seem. I thought you have already learnt that. I guess I was wrong."

"Who are you?" she heard herself asking

"Do you remember Sarrum?" He didn't need an answer as he could read the fear on her face. It couldn't help enjoying that moment.

"He's dead" she answered after a while. She wanted her voice to be firm, but the very thought of Sarrum being alive scared her to death.

"Did I say that he's not?"

"Then why did you mention that monster?"

"He was my uncle"

"So acting like a beast is a family thing"

"More or less. I don't want you to like me."

"Don't worry, I don't.''

"Do you want an answer?" she nodded "My name is Bolin. I will make sure you will never forget it. What I want? Nothing. I simply hate magic. Are you not curious how I manage to make you see things?"

"So, it was you."

"Not really. Let's say that I found a tricky crystal. I don't remember… wait, I think it's a gauner. It makes you see go mad."

"Wait. You said you hate magic, but you use it to torture me. It doesn't make sense to me."

"Well, I hate those who practice magic, but it doesn't bother me to use their power for my own ends." he said laughing "You will never be able to escape because you won't know where the exit is."

"That is why you don't keep me in chains?"

"You'll see pretty soon… Maybe I can be more human if you decided to answer to a simple question."

"What?"

"Who was that old sorcerer at Camlan?"

"Merlin" she heard herself say, but soon she realized that she had already given that monster what he wanted. She couldn't believe how stupid she had been.

"Good girl. Where could I find this _Merlin_?"

She wanted Merlin to suffer, but she didn't want to let Bolin win, so she tried to fix her mistake.

"Do you actually think that I will help you? Good luck, Bolin. You will need it."

''Why is that?

"Because _Merlin_ doesn't exist"

"You're such a bad liar. Sweet dreams, my dear. And be careful, the hallucinations can take different forms. ''

''I think you should be careful. Emrys is not someone you can easily deal with. Believe me, I've tried for years and it proved to be useless."

"Then, you should be delighted. Pretty soon you'll have the chance to try again, because you'll have company. Don't worry for me. I always win."

It was in vain. He won.

The witch tried to control the whirlpool of emotions Bolin's words had triggered. Had she been able to use magic, soon the prison would have become nothing but a ruin; but she couldn't and the dull walls stood glorious in spite of her fury. The dungeon was hollow and cold like a grave; only mice and rats disturbed the deep silence with their squeak. Defeated, the last High Priestess rested her head on the cold stone and let herself fall into oblivion.

* * *

Merlin realized that he couldn't leave without announcing the king's death. No matter how much he wanted to avoid that moment he knew that Gwen needed to know, Camelot needed to know.

"Merlin… Are you alright?" It was Gwaine.

"Arthur is dead" It was all he managed to say as the tears fell down his face.

"What happened? I thought that sorcerer would be able to heal him." Percival uttered.

"The sword that wounded him was forged in a dragon breath. His magic wasn't enough. I had to take him to The Isle of Avalon, but I didn't get there in time."

The three friends couldn't say more as all of them were overwhelmed by the grief of losing a close friend and a great king. They just rode silently together until they reached the castle.

Being too painful for Merlin to see the queen, he asked his friends to talk with her. He promised he would come later, but he knew he wouldn't. He had decided to left Camelot as soon as he arrived there, but instead he went to his chambers to say goodbye to Gaius. He needed to see him, to thank him for everything. He knew that Gaius would understand him and would support him although it wouldn't be that easy.

As he entered the room the memory of his first day he had spent there came back into his mind. He even expected to see Gaius looking up for something in his books and then falling down and Merlin remembered how he had used his magic to save him that day. But the room was empty and Merlin couldn't wait long. He sat at the table and started to write a letter. After that he sneaked in the queen's chamber. To his luck, she wasn't there. She had been called urgently in the throne room.

Merlin watched for the last time the chamber where he used to spend so many time, where he had argued and joked with Arthur, where he learnt about responsibility and about courage, about the great destiny that was foretold for the Once and Future King.

There were so many secrets and so many memories. How much he had wanted to tell Arthur about everything, every little secret, every little story. And he would have laughed and joked with him. How right Kilgharrah was at their first encounter. He was right to laugh when Merlin said that he would give a hand if someone tried to kill Arthur. He may have been an idiot, but he was his friend.

He put the letter on the table and with broken heart he left the room. He didn't want to be seen. He wasn't strong enough to bear all the questions that would followed and the pain the entire Camelot had to feel.

 _Good bye, Camelot_ He thought looking back one more time. There was no going back and he knew that.

* * *

 **What you think? I know I've promised** _ **Arthur's moments**_ **and it was only** _ **a moment**_ **, but as I was writing other ideas came into my mind and I changed the chapter a little. But you'll have more. I promise.**

 **The word** _ **gauner**_ **comes from German and means** _ **twister**_


	4. I've never known you

" _What happened to you Morgana? As a child, you were so kind, so compassionate..."_

" _I grew up"/_

" _What happened with the young boy who came into my chamber just a few years ago."_

" _He grew up"_

 _I've never known you_

 _Dear Gwen,_

 _I'm writing as your old friend although a lot has changed since the day we first met. You're queen now and a very good one. People love you and they will always care for you. You lost a lot, but you won the people's hearts. I'm sorry that I wasn't there when Arthur needed me the most and you don't have idea how much it hurts me that I couldn't save him._

 _There's nothing left for me here in Camelot so that's why I should let everything behind and start a new life. I have to find my purpose, my destiny… You may say that I still have my friends here. I know, but I can't imagine me here anymore, at least not without Arthur. I don't want to fool myself. I will always protect Camelot even if you don't notice that. I promise. You'll be all right now, but I have friends that will need my help, friends that I've neglected for some time. I have to find them. Together we may build a better future. For Camelot. For Albion._

 _I remember the first time we met. We were both so silly back then. Who would have imagined how things were to unfold? It seems that after all you liked the saving-the-world type of man and I, I just became friend with the most arrogant person I'd ever met. It was so hard to believe that one day he would be the best king Albion would ever have. But he's not gone, at least not for ever, when Albion needs him, he will come back to protect it. However, nobody knows when that day will come to pass._

 _Be strong, Gwen. I know that many people have betrayed you, but don't let that effect you. I want to tell something that I used to say to Arthur: To choose peace instead of war, doesn't mean you are weak, it means that you care. You need power, only when you want to do something harmful otherwise love is enough to get everything done. You taught me that, you taught me that killing someone no matter how much one deserves that makes you as bad as that person. Do you remember? You've changed my life then and I want to thank you for that. Don't be afraid to care. Don't be afraid to trust again. Just because some people have hurt you, doesn't mean that all will do the same. I wish I could tell you more. Maybe one day I will. I will always be your friend and a loyal servant to Camelot._

 _Be wise and kind as you've always been. Please, take care of Gaius. He has always been like a father to me._

 _Your old friend and a loyal servant to Camelot_

 _Merlin_

* * *

As the old physician entered his own chamber all he could find was a short letter. Merlin was gone and he couldn't hope to see him again.

 _Dear Gaius,_

 _Thank you for everything you've taught me. Thank you for protecting me, helping me, supporting me, scolding me. I will always remember your words of advice._

 _Merlin_

* * *

Little had Camelot changed and though so many things were so different when Merlin left the castle behind. He remembered his first day in Camelot. That day people seemed to pity the sorcerer that Uther had sent to death. They weren't afraid of magic, but of the rules that forbade it. It was so obvious that day. But what really troubled Merlin was that he wouldn't know if the people would think the same way after they'd seen the evil Morgana was capable of.

What shocked the young warlock at his arrival in Camelot was not the pity he read in the eyes of some men, but the sadness he saw in the eyes of the lady watching the execution from the window of her own chamber. He had read so much kindness, compassion and love in those eyes and he couldn't explain where all those emotions had gone.

 _How could someone change so much?_

Even though he didn't want to say it loud, deep down he missed her more than anything and it hurt him. And it pained him so much to see wounded soldiers everywhere, to watch Camelot suffer, begging for a miracle and know that Morgana had caused all of that grief.

He remembered the day, they used to work together to save Camelot from the curse Nimueh had put upon the town. Morgana was afraid, yet she was determined to sacrifice herself for the others. That was the first time he spoke directly with the king's ward.

As he was thinking about Morgana and the Afanc's attack an idea came into his mind. He might not be able to change what had happened but the warlock knew a way to help the people. After all, Camelot needed a little magic.

* * *

Not long after Bolin's departure, the place seemed to change revealing a dungeon and Morgana was soon to find that Sarrum's dear nephew had left the gate opened. She was luck after all. Her powers seemed to come back when she passed through it.

As it was nothing she should be afraid of, the High Priestess got out of there, decided to take revenge on Bolin. It was only a matter of time since she killed all his men and broke Bolin's neck. She was again the mighty Morgana Pendragon, the people should fear her.

Soon the dark queen regretted the murder as Bolin could have served in her revenge towards Emrys. But didn't want to allow herself regret anything. That was how the witch managed to survive. She would find another way to make Emrys suffer.

She had found a horse and she was ready to leave when she realize that she was surrounded by Camelot's army.

"What do you think you can do against me? I'm a high priestess, no mortal blade can kill me. You can't hurt me"She spoke to them.

"They can't, but I can" came the voice of the man she despised so much. His eyes went gold and she fell unconscious on the stone floor of the castle's yard.

When she woke she was already in chains and in front of her stood Guinevere, the queen of Camelot.

"It pains me to see you like that, Morgana, but you've chosen that way. You killed my husband and you'll pay for that."

"I can't believe that the sweet Guinevere is going to send me to my death." She said in a mocking tone. "After all, I'm not the only one who has changed, Gwen. You've changed too." she pointed out.

"I don't have a choice. I have to protect my people."

"And you used a sorcerer to capture me. Very wise. What Arthur would think about it?"

"Merlin's my friend"

"He's nothing, but a coward and a fool. So you're going to condemn me for what I am and protect Merlin because it is convenient to you. You're a hypocrite, Gwen.''

"I'm not going to condemn you to death because you're a sorceress, but because of your actions. By the laws of Camelot I've found you guilty of treason.I sentence you to death. You will be burnt at stake. Take her."

The next thing she remembered was the queen's order for the fire to be set… And then the flames, the pain and Merlin's blue eyes. She couldn't read any remorse in those eyes. How could he do that to her? They used to be friends. Why doesn't he care for her? She wanted him to care. She needed a little affection, she needed to be accepted, to be understood. She couldn't figure out why from all the people around she expected him to care or why she wanted so much to be loved, but she wasn't going to condemn herself for letting all those feelings overwhelm her. It didn't matter anymore. It was over.

Yet he hated her so much that he couldn't see the tears running down her face.

* * *

 _You need power, only when you want to do something harmful otherwise love is enough to get everything done- Charlie Chaplin_


	5. The last dragonlord

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." (Mahatma Gandhi)

The last dragonlord

After so many wars and disease, the people of Camelot didn't hope for a better time and yet a miracle really happened. The wounds disappeared quickly, the sick people became instantly sound. There was neither a sorcerer claiming a reward for it, nor bad consequences. It was a miracle. Some of those people had always known that someone was protecting them, but they were too afraid to say it loud.

The same water that had killed many of their friends and relatives years ago carried the very secret of their recovery. But nobody cared about it, they were just happy to see the loved-ones safe.

* * *

As the fire burnt her body, the witch lost her conscious. Upon opening her eyes again she found herself in her room in Camelot. Nothing seemed to have changed since she left Camelot. But she was too scared to notice that. She just started to scream and cry as she used to do every time she had a nightmare. Soon Morgana heard the door opening and saw her maid entering the room. Gwen tried to calm Morgana, but as she got close to her Morgana pushed her away.

"Don't touch me" The High Priestess demanded "I don't know what you are trying to do, but I'm not stupid, Gwen. I hate you. You took what was rightfully mine and I will never forgive that. I hate you" she screamed " you're going to pay for that. Hleap on bæc." Nothing happened. ''Hleap on bæc.'' She tried again without any result. She couldn't believe that something like that happened to her again.

It must be Emrys. It has always been him.

" This time you're not going to defeat me." She screamed disparately.

"What are you doing, Morgana? I don't understand. I've done nothing to you." Gwen said afraid of Morgana's reaction. Then she said in a sweet voice "you must have had a horrible nightmare. Come here. You'll be all right now"

A part of her wanted to hug Gwen and be her friend again. She had forgotten how was like to be loved and protected, how it felt to have your hair soothed, to be told kind words, but it was the other part which reminded her that Gwen had chosen Arthur instead of her. She looked after her dagger decided to kill Gwen, but she couldn't find it.

"Tell me your dream, Morgana. It would make you feel better. Do you want to ask Gaius to give you your sleeping droughts?''

''Get out." She screamed. The very memory of that ''cure'' made her sick. "I don't want anything from Gaius or from Merlin"

"But, my lady"

"Enough"

"Sorry, my lady"

"Get out, Gwen. If you ever tell someone something about this conversation, I will kill you. Do you understand? Maybe I should have done that long ago."

"Yes, my lady" she was scared and that made Morgana felt powerful again.

"Wait. Is Uther alive?'' she asked as she would have asked about the weather or about the food.

"Of course he is. Why would you ask something like that?"

"Shot up. You better answer my questions and stop talking. Do you understand?"

Gwen just nodded afraid to say more. She couldn't explain Morgana's sudden change.

"I guess Arthur is alive too. No matter what I do, that idiot will never die. You should go to hell, Merlin with your loyalty and your stubbornness. It's only your fault. Why you're staring at me? I killed them both and my only regret is that I wasn't there to watch Arthur suffer.

Do you want to know why?" Gwen was trembling and the poor servant didn't dare to say a word. "Because I have magic. I"ve suffered so much because of them. You can't have idea how is like. I've promised myself that I would never be afraid of anyone ever again. But I will have my revenge. Now, get out and keep your mouth shot.''

"My lady, I will never abandon you no matter what happens. You know that."

"I wish I could believe you, Gwen, but you're like the others. All you needed was a little power and then the sweet Gwen disappeared. Believe me, Your Highness , I've seen it, I know what is coming, but I will change it. This time I will be happy. Now, go. I don't need you anymore."

"Yes, my lady" there were tears in Gwen eyes, but Morgana didn't care. She had also cried a lot and nobody had comforted her.

As Gwen went out, Morgana started to think about her conversation with Guinevere.

She seemed surprise. I don't think she knew what I was talking about. But how is it possible? Somebody sent me in the past, but I can't understand why. But it's great. Think about it, Morgana. You're alive, they don't know what will happen. That is your chance to get everything you want. Arthur is nothing without Merlin. Everything you have to do is to kill that idiot and after that you can kill Arthur and Uther. Camelot will be yours.

* * *

"Hello, Merlin!"

"Lady Morgana. Gwen told me that you haven't felt well lately."

"It's true. I had a nightmare and I started to say stupid things. I hope she's alright. I didn't mean to scream and… Tell her I'm sorry"

'' I think you can tell her yourself. I mean… if it's not…''

''It's alright, Merlin. I'm not Arthur. I can apologize."

''Well, I….. have to go " It was something so childish and funny about Merlin, that made Morgana doubt her decision. But she was decided to win that time. She couldn't let herself care, at least not for Merlin. Touching her dagger to be sure it is in the right place, she went on.

"Merlin… I know you have magic"

" What?"

"You can trust me. You know you can."

"I don't understand… Why would you think that? I swear, I'm not a sorcerer."

It was enough. The Lady Morgana couldn't pretend anymore. She hated that warlock so much and he was such an hypocrite.

"Don't be a liar. I've seen enough, I've seen what you're going to become, Merlin. I know the future, but I'm going to chance it. Finally I will have everything I want and you won't be able to stop me." As she said that she stabbed him. "Good bye, Emrys" she added laughing.

Nobody will care about a dead servant. Now I need to recover my powers and find a way to conquer Camelot.

* * *

Back in her room, she let Gwen help her to prepare for the fest. Uther was signing a peace treaty with Lord Bayard of Mercia and Morgana knew that the king would have a surprise. As Merlin was dead, Arthur would drink the poison and he would die. It seemed it was her lucky day.

"Where's Merlin?" Morgana asked pretending to be innocent

"He finished his work and he is now probably in his room."

"Have you seen him?"

"I've seen before I came to you."

"Are you sure it was him?"

"I spoke with him."

Morgana felt she was going crazy. She was sure he was dead. The revelation that Emerys was still alive made her blood run cold, yet she was in check of her emotions.

"Did he…did he tell you something about me?"

"No, my lady"

Morgana couldn't understand how he was still alive. She knew he wouldn't be a problem as she could sentence him to death for sorcery and even if he tried to say something nobody will believe him. But still she didn't want him alive.

"Gwen, I'm sorry. I know I said a lot of stupid things. I didn't mean to be rude. I had a nightmare and"

"My lady, you've never been rude with me. I don't know what you are talking about."

t

Morgana was ready to say that she appreciate that she had forgotten about it when she realize that Gwen had actually been honest when she said that she didn't know what Morgana was talking about.

For the first time in her life, Morgana didn't know what to believe. She didn't know what was real and what was not. But she hoped she would have a chance to get rid of Merlin. All she had to do was to convince Arthur that he was too precious to sacrifice himself for a servant. She had to try.

The fest went as she expected. Merlin drank the poison and Uther was decided to declare war to Mercia. Yet everything she felt was disgust. She found so difficult to be friendly with everybody and keep smiling when all she desired was to kill all of most difficult part was though to watch Merlin drank the poison. Morgana wanted him dead, but she had to admit that what Uther had done to him was so unfair. He'd saved Arthur's life and Uther forced him to drink the poison. She hardly managed to hide her hate towards the king. But she had to do it, she had to pretend. Soon she would destroy him.

What Morgana couldn't understand was why Merlin sacrifice himself for Arthur, how could he drink that goblet. And it wasn't only Arthur. Now she knew who had been that old sorcerer, who had taken the blame of enchanting Arthur in order to save Gwen. She knew that he'd sacrificed himself more than once to save those he'd loved. Deep inside the king's ward wished he'd done the same for her. And that made her hate him and all those he loved, even more.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Arthur" Morgana said, pretending to care

"What do you think I should do? I'm the prince of Camelot I can't sacrifice myself."

It was the part when she should have told him that he should do what he thought it was right and damned the consequences, it was the part when she should have reminded him that people wanted a king who would care for them, a king who could decide for himself and not a kid who obeyed his father's words unconditionally, although he knew his father was wrong.

"Sometimes you have to sacrifice the one you love for the good of the kingdom."

Arthur was shocked.

"What happened to you Morgana? You will never say that. It seems like you are my father." he said surprised.

What happened with the idiot of my brother? When has he become so wise?

It was wrong. Arthur noticed that she acted strange and she knew she might ruin everything if she didn't do something. But what made her furious was that he had compared her with Uther. She used to say that Uther had taught her well, but she never meant that. She tried to calm down and then she spoke.

"I care for you. Both of us do.''

"That's not you. You'll abandon everything to save your friends. " He uttered and then left the room.

"Where are you going?"

"To do what I have to. I'm not my father. I'm not going to sacrifice my people just because I'm afraid that I could die. I hope you'll understand that one day. Goodbye, Morgana"

* * *

The witch got back to her room. It seemed she could do nothing to change the destiny. Emrys would be her doom.

Such hatred as yours can never triumph. I hope one day you will find the love and compassion which used to fill your heart.

Those words seemed so familiar to the High Priestess and yet she couldn't remember where she had heard them, yet they made her feel empty and lost.

That night she cried desperately until she lost conscious. For the first time, she realized that it was no way for her to be happy.

* * *

In the deep darkness, somewhere beneath Bolin's castle a single light was still shining. It was the gauner. Down on the cold floor, covered by dirt and blood a body lay unconscious.

* * *

Finally, Merlin reached Camlann. The young dragon wasn't there, but the dragon lord hoped she would answer. He didn't know what he should tell her or how to make up for the fact he wasn't there when she needed him.

"Ai-thu-sa" It didn't take long until the little dragon came. "Aithusa, you came."

The young dragon watched him speechless.

"You can use your mind to talk, you know? Like this." Soon she heard inside her head:" Do you hear me?" Aithusa was surprised." Try it"

"M...Mer-lin"

"You did it. Aithusa, you did it. I'm so sorry I didn't help you before. But I promise that I will never let you alone again. You will be all right. I will protect you. I promise."

"Mor...gana…where… she?"

"I don't know. But you should leave her. She's bad. She used you."

"Lady…my…friend…love….me…she…helped…me…Sarrum"

"Aithusa. I'm so sorry. I've never known. I thought… He will never hurt you again. He's dead. You will be safe now."

"I… won't…leave…her…please."

"She hates me. I can't help."

"You…miss…her…. The…old….one…you…can't…hate…her"

He didn't know what to answer. He just watched the young dragon

"She's…still…there…I've…seen that"

"That's why you had stayed by her side. I guess you're wiser than me, wiser that Kilgharrah."

"I…still…hope…I…don't want… that…she….lost….love…."

Merlin was ready to thank her for reminding him how it was to believe in good, in love when he noticed he was surrounded by a great army.

"Go, Aithusa. Find Kilgharrah"

"No…please…I won't"

"You're all I have right now. I want you to be safe. I'm sorry, but you have to go. I will call you when it's over. Till then be careful and don't stop loving. I command you to go."

As she flew, the men tried to shot her with arrows, but Merlin used his magic to stop arrows in the air.

"If you value your lives, let her alone. I don't want to hurt you. Go."

"He's a sorcerer. Seize him" he heard.

Merlin reversed the arrows and they hit some of the soldiers who fell on the ground. The rest of them were thrown away by his magic. Thinking he was safe he left the place without looking back. The warlock had managed to make some steps when he felt a horrible pain in his back and fell down on his knees unable to stand anymore. The last thing he'd heard before he passed out was Aithusa's call. He was happy though, she was far enough and she couldn't disobey his order.

"Take...care…of her…please" she begged, hoping that Merlin might hear her. She flew towards Kilgharrah's cave, aware that she could do nothing to help them. She knew there were many possible futures, the majority full of hatred and pain and only few bright, full of love and joy, but she trusted Merlin to choose the right one.


	6. Two strangers

Two strangers

Merlin opened his eyes. He looked around with confusion as he recognized the Camelot's throne's room. The warlock was standing with the water skin in his hand and near to him was Morgana. He felt his blood went cold, knowing so well that very moment. That had been the worst day in his life. Never before, had Merlin been forced to sacrifice so much. The poor servant had so many nightmares after that. Night after night, he dreamt nothing, but Morgana's scared face, her struggle for air, the disappointment written on her face. Day after day he questioned himself if it had been the only way.

Morgana was watching her friend with wonder in her eyes. Merlin knew what was coming next, but he couldn't find the straight to do it again. He couldn't do it. The magic being was struggling to hide his tears, but it proved useless. He couldn't understand how he had managed to go back in the past, yet he didn't have time to think about that.

What I should do? Arthur's out there fighting and he won't be able to carry on for too long,... The very thought that Arthur was alive made him so happy, but he wasn't the only one to be saved. The warlock had to do something quickly. ... but if I poisoned her I will lose her forever. He told himself terrified.

Without any further thought, he poured the water on the floor.

"What you're doing?" she asked her friend surprised

"I'm trying to find a way to save all my friends. Another way."

"I don't understand"

"Why?"

"You've offered me water before and... "

" Why did you…. Never mind. May I ask you something?"

"Of course, Merlin"

"Let's say, that you've spent your entire life feeling lonely, different, sometimes you have even thought that you were a monster. All you want is to be accepted, to be understood."

She looked at him shocked. He carried on.

"One day you find someone who was like you and everything you wish for is to tell her what you feel, but people keep saying you shouldn't help her. They tell you she will destroy everything you love, that she is the darkness, the hate. Though, you don't want to believe it, you know she has a good heart. So you help her, but you don't tell her the truth. You watch her taking bad decisions. She doesn't trust you anymore. She is hiding her feelings, her actions. You try to fix her mistakes, but you are still decided not to talk with her."

The sorcerer stopped for a moment then he went on

"One day, she joins the wrong person and she sentences hundreds of innocent people to death, including her friends. You have to decide between her and these people. The only way to stop the evil is to kill her. What would you choose, Morgana?"

"How could she do something like that? I guess those people were right about her. She is evil. But who are you talking about?"

"The worst thing is that I don't think she know what she did. She only wanted to help those like her. She wanted to be free."

"You should do what you think is right and damn the consequences. Maybe you should explain her, what she did. And if there is no other way, then you should choose. But I don't think she would deserve your friendship if she chose to kill innocent people."

"I wish it was so simple. But she didn't have the power to change it. She is the vessel of a spell, she doesn't have the power to break the enchantment. Though, such a spell couldn't have been casted without her agreement. She betrayed us."

"Then you have only a choice'' she said, then she stopped. She froze.

"It can be. Merlin, tell me it's not true."

"The water was poisoned. I wanted to do the best thing, but no matter what I choose it can't be the best way. Why, Morgana?" he asked. She could feel the pain in his voice. She couldn't go on.

"Find Arthur and get out of it. Go as far as you could" he ordered

"And you? What are you going to do?"

"I need time to find a way to break this spell. I can't choose. Not this time."

"But it's too dangerous."

"I can't let these people die, I can't let my friends die, not even you. If there were another way, I would gladly choose it. Now, go. Don't worry, the knights won't hurt you. Now, you know why."

He was ready to go, then he suddenly turned around and said

"I'm sorry, Morgana"

"No, it's my fault, Merlin. I didn't…"

She had tears in her eyes. He had missed her so much and he wasn't decided to let her go.

"Shush. You don't have to say anything. I'm so sorry that I didn't fight for you. "

* * *

The warlock woke up confused, but soon he realized that it was only a dream. He wished he hadn't woken up as he couldn't get rid of that overwhelming feeling of guilt. Merlin had always thought that he had done what he had to, that poisoning Morgana was the only way. It had been much easier for him to think that way, but he couldn't stop wondering what would have happened if he had tried to talk with her. He would never know that.

It was dark and Merlin couldn't see anything around. He tried to stand, but his back ached terribly, so he sat again on the cold floor. The warlock used his magic to summon a ball of light, but he felt his wrists burning and the pain was so horrible that he had to give up. Soon he saw that there were some strange iron cuffs around his wrists and then the magic being remembered his encounter with the army.

"Is somebody here?" He cried. Soon the warlock heard someone moving. "who's there?" he went on, but the noise stopped. No far from him, he saw a light. He went slowly towards it careful not to bump into something. He reached that light, which proved to be a crystal, a magical one. Merlin took it and used it to inspect what he supposed to be his prison.

The place was cold and wet and as they saw the light, some rats ran away, squeaking. They seemed not to have had visitors for a while. As there was no window, Merlin thought that it resemble more to a grave than to a dungeon. He couldn't imagine the man, who would bury his enemies here.

"Hello, Emerys" He heard a feminine voice. He was face to face with the only person he would have never expected to see here, Morgana Pendragon, now a shadow of the former one. The high priestess looked terrible. She was so skinny and wounded. Her tangled hair was dirty and her clothes were torn. What shocked him the most was the way she watched him. It was nothing human in her eyes.

"Morgana"

* * *

Morgana had been awoken by some strange noises. It was too dark to see anything, but she was sure she had heard something. She didn't know where she was. She saw a shadow and then a light coming close. As he came close, she was able to distinguish the figure. It was the person she hopped she would never see again.

"What are you doing here, Morgana?" Merlin asked.

"I don't think you're asking the right question. Where are we would be more appropriate, although I can't answer your question"

"So you're a prisoner, too, aren't you? Who are these men?"

"Prisoner?" the memory of Bolin came into her mind.

I'm still his prisoner. But, how is it possible? She saw the crystal and she remembered Bolin's words yet, the witch didn't want to let Merlin know. Finally, she would have the chance to see him suffer.

"How's my brother?" she asked sarcastically. She had to look strong and hate was the only thing that could keep her strong.

"Will you never get rid of so much hate? How can you live like that? Look around, Morgana. Are you happy? "

"I will be when I have the crown of Camelot."

"I doubt that."

"You can't stay in my way. None can. I will get out of here, you know I will."

"Maybe I can't. Maybe you'll be queen. Do you think you'll be happy? No, you won't, you'll never be. I blame myself for what you've become. I've made a terrible error, but"

"Spare me your pathetic excuses. An error? That's how you call it? That's all it means for you"

"Morgana, have you ever thought that it might have been another way?"

"I don't care, Merlin. I don't regret anything."

"You are a liar."

"I see you are enjoying yourself." They heard a harsh voice. It was Bolin. "Morgana, I hope you've told your friend about me. Don't worry, Merlin, we have time to know each other. "

"How you know my name?" the warlock asked

"Not many can control a dragon. It seems that your affection for that beast gave you away."

"She has a name. Your people shouldn't have tried to hurt her. That's not how a dragon should be treated. If you ever try to do something to her… "

"...I'll suffer a lot, I know." he mocked him

"Don't touch Aithusa"

"I will not only touch it, but I will make a fortune with her. Imagine how much her skin must value. Have a nice day" he said in a mocking tone and then he went out, letting Merlin furious and confused.

"You can let her come here? Please, Merlin. They will kill her." It was the first time he heard Morgana begging someone. The warlock had the chance to humiliate her, to make her pay for every bad word she had said, but he knew that it wouldn't help. He was sick of so much hate and evil. He was aware it wouldn't last,however, he missed his friend so much that if he were to have the slightest chance to talk with her, even for a minute, he wouldn't let anything stay between them, especially vanity.

"You really care for that dragon, don't you?" Morgana couldn't deny it. She had to protect Aithusa no matter the price, even if she had to beg him.

"So do you. I don't understand why, but you do."

"I hatched and named her. She values to me more than you can imagine. "

"You have known her all this time. Why you never command her to leave me then?"

"Because, that's not how I should use my power. She wanted to stay with you, I couldn't force her. You know, I found her at Camlann, she was looking for you. She thinks you're her friend."

"She would come after me. You can't let her."

"She was right."

"She was right about what?"

"Maybe one day I will tell you. Don't worry. She's safe. I've sent her to another dragon. He will help her. They won't find her there." He stopped for a while, then he added smiling "It's odd."

"What's odd?''

"I've thought that I knew you, but it seems I was wrong. We were just two strangers."


	7. The Fury

The Fury

If someone had told Morgana before that she would spend some time talking with Merlin, asking him for help, begging him, she would have laughed. But she did it. She said herself it was for Aithusa. And now, she was furious. She couldn't explain herself that feeling, it was frustrating. She couldn't find the right words. She wanted to shout, to tell him how much she hated him, to hurt him, but all seemed useless. What could she tell him? She felt like a spoilt little girl, who was denied the toy she wanted so much.

She just crawled to darken corner of the dungeon. She didn't want to let him know, she needed to put up her mind. She couldn't let him see the storm she felt inside, she had to be the mighty high priestess, Morgana Pendragon. Hidden in the shadow, she studied every move he made, waiting for the right moment to attack.

Merlin did read her feelings. He had expected that, though he wasn't ready for a new fight. He simply didn't know what to do or say. He felt she was waiting for him to make a mistake, but he was grateful that she wasn't shouting at him. He needed to do something. He simply couldn't stay there and keep his mouth shot. It was stupid, he knew, but he had to say something, anything, or he was going to go mad.

"Aren't they going to give us any food? I'm starving."

"Why don't you ask them?" she answered upset.

"How long haven't you eaten?"

"It's not your business. Can't you just shut up?" He would have listened to her, but he knew that if he hadn't said anything in that very moment, he would have never been able to get close to her again. He couldn't give up.

"Sorry, but I can't." he answered.

"Then, go and talk with Somebody Else."

"There is no Somebody Else"

"You're an idiot, Merlin"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome"

"No, really. Thank you. You remind me of Arthur. He used to…" It was enough for her. All she wanted was silence.

"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT"

He started to laugh. She felt she was going mad.

It wasn't funny, he knew that, but it was the only weapon he had against her. He needed something sharp, but at the same time delicate. It was the weapon he had always used with his best friend. He knew that he had gone too far and that she was furious, but he couldn't help. She reminded him of Arthur, of the way they used to irritate each other. He had just forgotten who he was speaking with.

Soon, his laugh died out and it was replaced by grief. He missed his friend so much. Sad memories came back to him. It was too much to bear, so much pain, tears, hate, guilt and darkness. He closed his eyes, hopping he would fall asleep. Yet sleep wasn't what he needed.

It was finally silence. Though, she wasn't happy. She noticed his change of mood and she realized what had happened. She had also lost so much. She closed her eyes, hoping that a little sleep would make her feel better. Yet, she knew she wouldn't be allowed that privilege.

He couldn't sleep. He tried, but it was in vain. There were so many things to think about. He would have never dared to talk with the _old Morgana_ like that _._ He had respected her so much. He would have been furious if he had heard something rude about her. In the mind of that innocent young boy, lady Morgana was above any other lady of the court. Probably, it was her kindness and her dedication to help those in need that gained his sympathy. Arthur was different.

At first, Merlin had seen an arrogant daddy's boy, who needed to be taught a lesson and Merlin had always the courage to tell him. Soon, he learnt that Arthur had many qualities that would make him a good king one day. He learnt from Arthur that power demands great responsibility, he learnt that certain actions were expected and you are never allowed to disappoint. Merlin had never been a king, but due to his powers, his actions were even more important than those of the king. The safety of the kingdom had depended on the decisions he had taken for so many times and he wasn't proud of all of them. He had done horrible things. Some of them would stay with him forever.

His eyes search for Morgana. She was sleeping quietly in her corner. She looked so innocent and so peaceful. He would do anything to make it last, but it wasn't in his power. Her dress was so torn that it could hardly cover her skinny body. Once it would have made him blush, yet in that very moment, all it made him feel was pity. Her beautiful ivory body was now covered in bruises and scratches. But it was not her body that worried him so much, he had spent a lot of time with Gaius and he knew that her body could recover if treated, he knew a lot of spell that could help, what he didn't know was how to heal her soul. There wasn't any spell which could mend a broken heart.

She was sleeping so peacefully, but he knew it wouldn't last. He knew what that crystal could do. He had found it in one of Gaius's books. A gauner could bring to life the greatest fears, it highlighted the guilt and the pain. Morgana's heart had already been altered enough before, he feared that the gauner would destroy the last sparkle of love and kindness.

 _Though, the gauner_ _can't control your decision._ He thought. _It was my choice to talk with Morgana, to save her. Maybe, there is still hope._

He regretted that he hadn't given attention to it, if he had, he would be able to stop it. It wasn't only Morgana he should be worried for, he couldn't be sure that his magic would protect him. Though, he couldn't be worried, it would only make things worse.

Soon he heard Morgana crying. She had done many horrible things, but she was only a scared girl, who needed someone to love her. He tried to comfort her, but she pushed him away. It reminded him of the day when he had poisoned her, it was exactly what she had done then.

 _But, now it's different,_ he told himself. _I wouldn't have to see her dying in my arms. This time I'm going to help her._

"Morgana, it's only a dream. That's not real." He said on a low tone. He tried again to get close to her, to hug her, but as he touched her he felt a horrible pain in his chest. He looked her in the eye with astonishment, then his sight went blur and he fell in her arms.

She had a dream. It was beautiful. She was with her father, Gorlois. She was happy, really happy. She had missed him so much. She had been only a little girl when he had died. Then he became sad. She went to hug him, hopping that would make him feel better, but he stopped her.

''You're not my daughter", he uttered

''Well, it's true that I'm Uther's daughter, but I will never consider him my father. You are my father, you will always be." She said while tears were running down her face.

"My daughter is sweet, she is so kind, she is full of love and hope, she would never kill anyone. You are a monster. Do you have any idea how many people you have killed? How many innocents have suffered because of you?"

"I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to die."

"There were so many people who would have laid down their lives to save you, they loved you and you betrayed them. What have you done with my daughter? That's what I've taught you? That's what I fought for? I died for those people, for that the children could grow up in peace. And now I'm forced to see my own daughter bringing war, claiming a throne which is not hers to take. People loved Arthur and you forced them to respect you. You may be feared, but you will never be respected."

"I'm sorry, father. I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me." she said crying.

"You will never be forgiven, you will never be loved. I'm so disappointed of you. Get out of my face. I don't want to see you anymore.

She wake up scared and she started to cry. She felt someone caressing her, but she pushed him away. She felt she couldn't breath. Her father's words echoed in her mind, she wanted it to stop. She didn't realize what she was doing, in her fury she took her dagger and she planted into something. Scared she let go of the dagger, but it was too late. Soon, something heavy fell in her arms. It was Merlin.

She didn't know what to do. She couldn't explain herself what happened. All she could see was blood. She closed her eyes hoping that the images would disappear, but it was worse. She saw hundreds of people lying dead, it was blood everywhere. She was queen and she was wearing a dress red as blood. The floor of the throne room, was covered with blood. The wine was red as blood. She felt on her knees. The crown was so heavy and she threw it away. She screamed and screamed and screamed. Then she stopped.

Arthur was dead, Uther was dead, Emerys was dead too and she wasn't happy. She was so close to the crown and she didn't want it anymore. So many years wasted and so many pain and hate. She didn't know what she wanted. That deep silence made her mad. She was mad...


	8. The Guilt

The Guilt

Merlin found himself on the bank of Avalon Lake. He was confused. All he remembered was that he had gone to comfort Morgana. Then something happened. Soon he realized what- she had stabbed him. He wondered if he was dead or if it was only a dream.

"Hello, Merlin!" he heard a familiar voice. "Why did you let me die? I was your friend." The voice asked him. He recognized him in an instant.

"Will, I'm so sorry. I didn't know how to save you. I miss you so much." Merlin was honest about that. He owned him so much. He didn't know what he would have done if he had to reveal his magic to Arthur. Will had saved him, but he paid with his own life. He wished he had known how to save him.

"You let me die. I've trusted you, Merlin." Will had been his best friend and his words hurt Merlin. He remembered how scared he had been. He had almost implored him to do something, but it had been beyond his powers. At least, he had thought that. It was true that he hadn't tried. It made him question his own decisions. Yet, it was too late. Now all he could read in his friend's eyes was disappointment. "Goodbye, Merlin!" his friend said.

"Will, don't go. Please, Will. I'm sorry. I wish I could have done something. Will, come back" he shouted, but it was in vain. He was gone. Merlin felt so alone and lost. "Please, forgive me." he implored, but he received no answer. "Please, Will"

"You could have saved me, hadn't you?" he heard a feminine voice. It was Isolde. "But you let me die, because you had to keep your secret. You were nothing, but a coward."

It was true. He could have saved her. At least he could have tried. He could have saved all of them if he had used magic. He could have killed Helion with a single blink of an eye. In that instant all he could say was sorry. However, he knew it wouldn't help.

''It's too late for regrets, don't you think? How many people could you have saved, but you let them die? How many, Merlin?" She asked and then she disappeared. It was too much for him. All he had wanted was to help, but he had feared so much that he would lost his friend, should they find about his magic, that he had chosen to keep it hidden when he should have used it. Now he saw that he had lost more that way.

"How many people died when the Afac attacked Camelot? What did you do then? You just watched, because your life was so precious." He heard a voice. The words echoed in his mind. It was something strange about that voice, it didn't seem human. It was so cold, so full of sorrow and hate.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the voice of those who had died. How many people died when you freed the Great Dragon, Merlin?" the voice asked

"I had to do it. I give him my word. And he helped me save Camelot."

"Look around, Melin. You stopped a battle, but the war continued over and over again. You should have stopped the war."

"How?"

"It's not me to know that, Merlin. You were warn that one of you wouldn't come back home from the quest to the Black Tower. What you did then? Let me tell you : NOTHING. The queen lost her brother because of you, Merlin." The voice stopped for a moment. All the guilt and pain Merlin had tried to hide under his boyish smile erupted now.

''No" was all he could moan. The voice went on inexorable.

"How could you have stopped it? You knew better than anyone. You should have done what you thought was right, but you let yourself drown in your own fears. If Arthur would have never accepted you, then he wouldn't have deserved your friendship. You know that, don't you? You wanted to be accepted so desperately that you forgot what really mattered. You can't keep a friend with lies, Merlin. You have already found the result of it. " Then everything became quiet, too quiet actually.

"Do you have idea how much I suffered?" He turned only to see a white skinny creature standing behind him.

"Aithusa" It was wonder in his voice.

"I was growing and the pit was too small, I was crippled and twisted. You can't imagine how it was."

"Aithusa. You don't have idea how much I regret it. I thought you were all right. I trusted Kilgarrah to look after you. Will you ever forgive me?"

"I waited for you. I hoped you would save us. When I met you then in those caves underground Morgana's castle I hoped you would stay with me, but you sent me away. I wanted to help, I wanted to be loved and Morgana loved me. It doesn't matter now, does it?" she answered

"Aithusa, I promise that I would never make the same mistake again. Please, forgive me." She just spread her wings and flew away.

"Hello, Merlin!"

"Mordred"

"What have I done to you, Merlin?" He said. He wasn't the revengeful knight anymore, but the boy Merlin had used to know.

"You killed Arthur." Merlin said, though his voice was trembling.

"You had hated me before."

''I had known what you were destined to do."

''So you wanted me dead only because you thought that I would killed Arthur. Have you never thought that it might not be true? I was only a child, when we met. I've made wrong decisions, I know. But Arthur killed her."

"He gave her a chance." He tried to excuse his friend.

"Do you think it was enough? You could have helped me, but you chose to tell Arthur about my plan. But that's not all. Merlin, I know that you convinced Arthur not to accept magic, because you thought that the Desir would let me die. They saved me to fulfill the prophecy. It was your fault. You know, don't you? When we met Morgana, you left me behind. You hoped that she would kill me, didn't you? But I was so naïve then. What makes you better than her?" he threw at him.

"I'm sorry, Mordred. I didn't know what to do?''.

"You should have trusted me, Merlin. That's what you should have done. I was your friend. I respected you so much.''

Mordred made him doubt everything he had believed in. The thought that the future is not set in stone made him say things differently. He had started to doubt the power of the destiny right after his encounter with the shes, but then he had been too overwhelmed by grief that he hardly could consider their words. He wished he had never known the future. He recalled Gaius' words:

 _It was real, but it was just one reality. The future is as yet unshaped. It is we that shape it. It is you, Merlin. The decisions you make. The actions you take. Remember that._ If only he had listened to him. Gaius was the first to tell him that, before the shes, before Mordred spirit, before the evil was unleashed upon Camelot, before Morgana changed. If only….

"I'm so sorry." he said and he meant it, not only for Mordred, but for every wrong decision he had taken, but soon he realized he wasn't on the bank anymore. He was back to his dungeon.

Morgana was watching him for her corner. It was hard to tell what she felt or thought about, it was a whirlwind of every possible feeling in her eyes: regret, pain, hate, fury, disappointment, sorrow, shock. He couldn't be furious for what she had done. He couldn't blame her. He had made her be like that. He couldn't hide his tears anymore. It was so painful. He needed to do something. He needed something to fight for, otherwise he was going to become mad.

"We must get out of here." he said.

She watched him surprised. She had expected him to be furious. She had been sure that he would kill her, that she had caused the prediction to pass, but she wasn't afraid. She would have rather died than to spend the rest of her life alone. All she wanted was to make those horrible images disappear.

In that moment, she would have given up her claim for the throne of Camelot for a little love. She would have worked as a peasant if only someone should love her. But her father was right, she didn't deserved love. Yet, Merlin made them disappear. It wasn't blood what she saw, but his sad and lonely eyes, there weren't his father's disappointed words what she heard, but Merlin's innocent statement and he had said _we._ She couldn't believe.

"We?'' she had asked so low that she doubted he had heard her.

"I think you should eat something first." They turned. It was Bolin. It was the last person they expect to see there.

"What do you want?" Morgana asked. She knew that nothing good could come from him.

"I'm just polite. Though, it won't be for free. Merlin, do you think that you can entertain my friends with your sword skills?''

 _Sword skills? I hope he's joking_. _No, I can't_. he thought. It wasn't anyone worse than him when it came about sword fighting. And it was that horrible pain. His magic had helped a lot, but the wound was still there.

"Sword skill? You would better ask him to dance. Either way, he's a disaster." Morgana uttered. She hadn't intended to be so mean, but she wasn't used to be different. It had been a long time since she had been kind and affectionate.

"Then you will eat… nothing. Merlin?'' The king said. There was no choice.

"Then I will fight." He couldn't believe he has said that, but at least it was better than to stay there and wait for a miracle.

"Come, Merlin" Bolin commanded. Merlin forced himself to hide his pain. He didn't want to seem more vulnerable that he had already proved to be.

* * *

 **It has been a while since I updated the last time. Sorry for the delay. I had some problems with my internet and after that I didn't have time (School sweet school) Do you missed me?**

 **I guess I've been a little too hard on them, but nothing happened without a reason. You'll see.**

 _ **The shes-**_ **see the first chapter (I've changed it a little. I hope you will like it more that way) By the way, the form she/shes (the feminine form of the pesonal pronoun) was a way to avoid using their real name. The people were to afraid of them that they couldn't think of a name for them and at the same time they didn't want to upset them by using an appropriate name. So, nobody knows their real name.**

 **What you think about this chapter?**

It's only the beginning.

 **See you.**


	9. The Challenge

The Challenge

It was the first time when he fought without his magic. His cuffs had been replaced with some kind of bracelets in order to prevent him from using magic, but to allow him to use the sword. He had been afraid that he would have to fight with his hands bound together. Even Morgana had wished him good luck, though it was only a whisper and he couldn't be sure that it hadn't been his imagination.

Bolin was watching him with a malicious smile. He was sure that Merlin would lose. And how could it have been differently when Merlin's rival was a gargantuan man.

Bolin started a speech about his victory against magic. If Merlin had thought that Uther had been mad, he would have been certain that Bolin was at least three times more insane than the former king of Camelot.

Bolin loved to torture people. He heated those who were stronger than him, magical or un-magical people. He wanted people to beg him, to be afraid of him, to kneel in front of him and now he was boasting about turning the strongest sorcerers the world had ever known into his slaves. But Merlin wasn't going to break so easily. He was decided to win or to die trying.

Now Merlin wished he had been more attentive during the training. Yet he remembered some of the pieces of advice the king used to share with his knights. Step one: learn your opponent's moves.

Merlin decided to be only defensive. He managed to parry his opponent's attacks, but he didn't know how long he would be able to defeat himself. His rival had a very brutal style and it was hard for the sorcerer to maintain his balance. Yet, he had an idea.

The brutal fighting style of his opponent would tire him very soon. He hoped that he would be able to block his attacks that long. He just kept going round and round, avoiding him. Merlin was young and flexible, his moves were one of a feline and it was almost impossible for his opponent to catch him. His style wasn't one of a warrior, but as long as he may succeed, it wouldn't matter the means he used.

Soon his wound socked Merlin of energy. He couldn't block the attack anymore and the rival's sword pierced his arm. The force of the attack threw Merlin's sword away and the warlock remained vulnerable in face of such a danger. But he was hurt and so tired that he let himself fell into oblivion. His sight went blur and for some seconds he felt nothing. Then he heard a voice, a so annoying familiar voice.

"Wake up, you idiot. You know pretty well that it is not a good idea to make the king wait. Look who is the clotpole now." that voice said on an amused tone. Merlin couldn't stop a cry of joy.

"Arthur. How…?"

"I'm here for you as you have always been there for me. I guess that is my way to thank you, Merlin." he answered smiling. It was any mock in his words, he was actually honest.

"Am I dreaming?" Merlin tried to find out.

"Does it matters? What matters now is that you can hear me and you must wake up Merlin. You must win this duel. I know you can. I trust you, Merlin. Just trust yourself too. Now go, fight and….win. Goodbye, Merlin."

All those happened in just a blink of an eye. As Merlin opened his eyes again, he saw his adversary raising his sword ready to kill him. He couldn't let himself feel the pain. It was time to get to the step two…

Step two: you need a single mortal blow to win. Now it was his time to attack. He focused his entire straight into that very wish, to win. He would feel tired later, now he had to fight and he fought. He just went away from that gargantuan man's sword and ran quickly to his own sword. As soon as he felt his metal in his hand, he knew that it was his chance. He might not have been good at sword fighting, but he was still intelligent.

If he couldn't use his magic to make his opponent lost balance, then he would have to find another way. The floor was all dumps and dents and all he had to do was to use it in his advantage. He attacked with force trying to push his opponent over one of this bumps. It took him a lot of energy and many wounds to succeed, but he managed. His opponent lost his balance for a moment, but it was enough for Merlin to deliver his mortal blow. He won.

"You don't look angry." Bolin's companion said amazed. Bolin had been surprised, but soon a content smirk had appeared on his face. "What are you planning, Bolin? Are you going to keep your word and give his food? I though you want him to starve."

"His battle has not been won yet. You see, my friend, a slice of bread will hardly be enough for both of them. Do you really think that he would accept to share it with Morgana? No, he won't. And then he would have to fight with her. The poor thing is not sane anymore. I can't imagine what she would do for a little food." He uttered all those things with satisfaction in his voice. "They are going to kill each other."

* * *

Morgana was nervous. She tried to tell herself that it wasn't worried about the idiot of Merlin, who had accepted a challenge which he would certainly not come back from, but she couldn't deny the emptiness she felt inside. She was scared. She couldn't stop thinking about Merlin no matter how much she tried. He had defeated so many enemies and he had faced death over and over again, but now he didn't have magic and he was wounded. She tried to send away that overwhelming feeling of guilt that was amplified by the thought of Merlin being hurt. It was her fault, but he never had to know how she felt.

She should hate him, she should want him dead, but he was the only company she had and she remembered that once he had been her friend. She couldn't help wondering what had happened with that beautiful friendship and who was guilty about destroying it. Long- gone memories emerged from the past and it was too hard to send them away. She had never listened to his part of the story. However, it was too late now, even if they tried to fix it, the wounds would remain and they were painful and infected.

When the guards brought him back she was genuinely happy, although she tried to hide it. He was hurt. His arms were covered in horrible cuts and he looked so pale and tired. Judging after the slice of bread the guards threw to him he must have won. Her eyes stopped to that slice of bread. She was so hungry. She could have stolen it, Merlin was to tired to notice, but it was something that stopped her, something beyond her instincts so she kept staring at the food.

It had been a while until he noticed her. Their eyes met and he was stricken by what he had seen there. He hadn't thought that he would have to share it. He scolded himself for forgetting something like that. He knew that she must have been hungrier than him, but the food was hardly enough for a single person, but after what he had seen he was aware that it wasn't a choice. He wasn't tired of choices and sacrifices. He made his mind.

She was shocked. She couldn't find the straight to reach out for the food although it was clear that he had given it to her, _the whole slice of bread._

"You must be hungry. Take it. It's not much, but it will make you feel better." He uttered in a friendly tone. He knew she could have stolen it and he was grateful she hadn't. Maybe then he would have fought for it. As she didn't move, he crawled toward her and put the food in her hand. "Eat" Now she couldn't stop, she was starving. She ate it fast. A part of her told her to stop and give him the rest of it, but the craving was to strong. She had never thought that she would crave for a slice of bread.

For a moment she thought that it had been much food and he had given her only a part of it, but soon she realized that it was all. Bolin was really a monster. She understood now his true intentions, he had wanted them to fight for food and she was sure his mischievous plan would have been successful if Merlin hadn't cared about her. It was all it took to thicken or broke the ice that had covered her heart. It was only a tiny scratch, but it was the beginning. She tried to look indifferent, but she was so curious to find his reasons. She had caused him so much pain during the time and she couldn't explain why he would give to her the only slice of bread he had.

"Why did you do that?'' she asked, unable to say more. He smiled.

"You needed it more than me." She wasn't convinced. "Ok. It's a long story and probably you will think that I'm crazy, but if you want to know, I will tell you. You reminded me of someone or more exactly about a lesson I learnt when I was only five. Do you want to hear it?" She nodded curious about what he was going to tell her. She couldn't understand what she had done, but it was Merlin, and Merlin had always been an enigma.

* * *

 **Do you want more surprises? Next time a powerful sorcerer and a not-so lucky army. Till then, thanks to those who reviewed and followed and, if you have time, please, tell me what you think about the story.**

 **See you!**


	10. Darkness and Light

Darkness and Light

Camlann

The time seemed frozen. All you could hear were the soldiers marching to their death or to their victory. Two colours mixed together on the battlefield: the darkness of the death and the vivid red of the blood. The dread fire of the last priestess rained down from the angry sky as the prophets had foretold. Arthur's death was close.

Merlin was running as fast as he could. He could hardly breathe and his muscles ached horribly, but he ran despite the pain, despite the pressure which pressed his lungs to the point of suffocation, he kept running. He was happy that he hadn't used that aging spell; it would have made it even more difficult. He had a single wish: to put an end to all that bloodshed, no matter the price.

He let the fury he felt toward Morgana run into his veins. Too much venom had been gathered in his heart during the years and it threatened to explode. If she wanted war, he was willing to accept her challenge. He knew he had changed a lot. He sometimes felt the darkness that was inside of him. It was a part of him which was unmerciful, cruel and mighty, probably the part that had frightened Morgana so much and which was about to emerge to the surface.

Finally, there it was, Camlan, the mighty plain.

He looked for a sign of his friends, but all he could see were thousands of fierce wild solders determinate to destroy Camelot. Soon he was face to face with those savage killers. Anyone else would have been afraid, but Merlin wasn't. He had found out the true extent of his powers and he knew that all he needed to do was to dig down to places that had been hidden before. He felt released that his friends hadn't been there yet. It was his chance to end that war before losing another person dear to him. He considered how many people he would be able to save and then he decided.

"If you value your lives, you would better leave this battle" he commanded and his voice was firm. That was the mighty warlock the prophets spoke about. His body was that of an ordinary boy, but it was something inside that contradicted the appearances. He wasn't a peasant, he was a lord, a lord whose heritage could have been traced back to centuries ago; the power he yielded was ancient and unique. Though, they made the mistake to trust the appearances.

"What you're going to do? You don't even have a sword." one of the soldiers, who seemed to be their ruler, answered on a mocking tone and the others started to laugh.

"I don't need one." As he said that the sky became dark and flashes of light danced on the sky. In the air hang a strong feeling of power. They felt it, they learnt fear. It was in every single bone, in every muscle, it filled the veins, it poisoned the blood, and it thickened the air. But it was only the beginning. The lucky ones were killed by the arrows they had thrown and which had been sent back by the warlock. The others wished to have been dead.

The earth started to shake. Huge rocks fell from the top of the mountains, covering the plain. Fire rose from the huge rifts in the ground which threatened to engulf the army. They ran and cry in pain, but the warlock was not going to show mercy, not this time, not ever again.

He won. The battle was over in a blink of an eye, but the price was heavy, heavier that he could have ever imagined. The darkness consumed the good in his heart. The good-hearted boy, willing to sacrifice himself for his friends, was gone. He was sick of being treated as he worth nothing. He loved to be feared and begged, he liked the power and the courage it had given him. Finally, he would never have to be worry for anything. It didn't matter what his friends would think, he didn't care if they were going to accept him or not. He was too strong to be defeated. He wasn't afraid of no one. None and nothing could stop him in that instant. His eyes glittered with pure hate.

Finally, he caught a glimpse of his friends. They seemed shocked. Merlin was disappointed by their reaction and just put on a mocking smirk as he threw up to them:

"What? I'm not the idiot you thought me to be, am I? I guess you had seen enough to realize that you should be grateful that I'm on your side, otherwise you had been doomed. Maybe, you should be more careful how you treat me." As he said that, he stopped in front of Arthur. "Tell me, your Highness, what help would give your sword skills if one day I decide that I want your throne."

"What happened to you, Merlin?" his friend enquired.

What happened with him? Not even he could have answer to this question. It seemed that the darkness had prevailed. Deep inside he still felt that kind Merlin trapped in his own body, prisoner of the darkness he had feared so much all those years. But he was too afraid to emerge out. He just drove away that sparkle of guilt and answered on a tone his friends had never known before.

"I just found out that I deserved more. Vae victis!" His eyes shone gold and pretty soon every single one of them couldn't stand and they fell on their knees. "That's much better. I like when you are polite." He took Arthur's sword and pressed it on the king chest. The knights tried to stop him, but they suddenly felt down unconscious.

"Go on, Merlin. I dare you to kill me." he cried out "if all those years we spent together don't matter anything for you, then go on. I've been betrayed by some many people, people I've loved, but you were the last one I would have ever thought capable of something like that."

Those words didn't shake the darken shield that covered the warlocks heart, but they reached the only sparkle of humanity that had remained inside. Even if he wanted to be the same, he didn't know how. The past seemed too far away and even more, he liked the feeling of freedom that his new-himself provided.

He hated the king for trying to steal it from him, he hated him for making him feel like it wasn't the right way. He just ignored the voice that cried inside reminding him of the time when he had believed in love and kindness. He was strong enough to command his own feeling and it would be much easier when the king would be death.

"That's your problem. You have always been so naïve, Arthur." Merlin spoke. As he was about to stabbed the king he felt someone grabbing his hand. It wasn't a firm grab. He could have escaped it in less than a moment; the hand was so feeble and so fragile that he might have broken it if he had tried. Yet, as it touched him, he felt a weight lifting from his heart, it was like the sun rose again and its light sent away the darkness.

He threw away the sword horrified of what he might have done and kneeled in front of his friend. Tears ran down his cheeks. His sight went blur and he closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes again he wasn't there anymore. Someone was next to him holding his hand. Then she raised her eyes. They were so green and so deep. For a second their eyes met, telling more than words could have ever told.

"Morgana"

* * *

Merlin had been unconscious for almost a week. His wounds were infected and because of the fever he kept raving. She tried to help him, but it wasn't much she could do. She needed her powers, yet it was no way to use them. His words were still fresh in her mind. She didn't know if he had made it up or if it had been the true, but it had shaken her in ways she had never thought something would ever be able to and it was only a silly story.

She was holding his hand as she watched him sleeping and then she felt him move. She raised her eyes and her eyes met his.

"Morgana" he exclaimed surprised. Then he closed his eyes again.

* * *

 **Back again. I don't know when I will publish again, as the exams start soon.**

 **Vae victis- it is used to say that the loser must obey the rules of the winner even if they are unfair. It is said that when the romans were conquered by the gales, they had to pay their freedom with gold. But the gales used fake weights to measure the gold and so the romans were forced to give them more gold than they had promised. When the tribune Suicius, who had noticed it, asked the ruler of Gallia, Brennus, Brennus threw his heavy sword on the balance and he answered to him : "Vae victis!"**

 **Next time: a shadow from Avalon pays a visit to Merlin (The mist of Avalon)**

 **See you!**


	11. The mist of Avalon

The mist of Avalon

Merlin found himself in Camelot. He heard someone crying in the tunnels under the castle and he dashed to find what had happened. It was hard to describe his astonishment and joy when he met Freya there, but she was so sad, that it made his heart bleed.

"Hi! What happened?" he asked kneeling close to her. She lifted her head slowly and looked him in the eye.

"I have been waiting for you for so long. Where have you been?" she enquired.

"But you died… I mean… you are now the Lady of the Lake. I couldn't follow you. You know, don't you?" he sputtered unable to find the right words. "I was here, helping Arthur"

"Arthur died" she uttered simply. "You're not helping him, you're helping her." she threw at him furious. "I thought you love me. You've promised that you wouldn't love another woman." She added as her tears ran down her face.

"Freya." he said on a mellow voice. "Don't cry. Please, don't cry. There is no other. I love you. I will always love you.'' He reached her face and pressed his lips towards hers, but she pulled back.

"Is she beautiful? More beautiful than me?" she asked with her most childish voice.

"Who is her?" he demanded to know shocked by her reaction.

"Have you forgotten how evil she is? There's nothing human inside her.'' she ramble on. That shocked him.

"Come on, Freya. I don't know who you are speaking about?" he said, although he had some doubt about it.

"Morgana" she cried out.

"Morgana?" he enquired. "Freya, where did this idea come from?" she stared at him. "She is only a friend. Actually, she is not a friend, she is..." he couldn't find the right word. Finally he did. "She is just a poor girl who suffered a lot and it was my fault. I should have helped her" he went on "but I was such an idiot. I can't let her there."

"And then what? Have you ever thought what you will do after you are free? Will you simply say goobye and that's all?" He looked surprised. He hadn't thought about that. He had been afraid to ask himself. The very thought that they would have to fight again, one against the other frighten him. They almost got along with each other, but it couldn't last.

"I don't know." He answered honestly. "I don't want to be enemies again. It is so likely to happen, I know, but I'm going to take the risk. If there is the slightly chance for her to find the right way, then I think it will worth it. I can't stop thinking that there is still hope for her. I owe her that." He stopped. He noticed sadness in Freya's eyes. "But, I will always love you and one day we'll be together." She wasn't convinced. She stood up and started to walk away from him.

"You're lying and I will never forgive you, Merlin. You should know that." she threw at him and then she disappeared.

He was hurt. He couldn't accept that. He simply couldn't lose Freya too.

* * *

" _Merlin"_ he heard inside his head. _"Follow the voice. Come, come. Follow me. Come."_ He knew that voice so well, it was hers. He had dreamt about the day he would see her again and he would hold her in his arms, but in that instant he couldn't understand how it was possible.

He didn't know what he was doing, but he followed the voice. He felt himself so light, so incredible light. He was flying far away and he was feeling free and happy. He followed the voice. He had never experienced something like that. It was like his soul had left his body and he flew over hills and high mountains, over streams and green plains, over houses and crops fields.

Finally, the voice stopped and he landed on the bank of Avalon Lake. He could distinguish a young woman wearing a long blue dress. Thousands of lights sparkled in her hair which fell loose on her bare shoulders. She was walking gracefully over the water and the water trembled under her touch. She smiled and Merlin recognized her instantly. She had changed a lot; she wasn't that little scared girl anymore, but a beautiful woman, a princess as he had used to say to her, the Lady of the Lake.

"Hello, Merlin! I've missed you so much." she welcomed him. "I'm glad that you come. "she added hugging him. "Have you missed your old friend, too?"

"Of course" he answered. "I've missed you so much, Freya. "he completed. "But aren't you angry on me? You said that…" he stopped it was clear that she didn't know what he was talking about. "How is it possible? I've talked with you five minute ago and you were furious that…" he didn't go on. He was undecided whether he should say more.

"Furious? Angry? " she laughed "Merlin, I don't have any reason to be angry on you? You should know that.''

"But…?'' he held back "Wasn't it real?" she nodded "I'm so happy that it wasn't.'' His eyes sparkled with joy." I couldn't lose you, too." he added '' Freya, I love you." and as he said that he watched her smiling. Tears ran down his cheeks, but he didn't want to held them back. For such a long time he was finally happy.

"I know you do.'' she answered smiling."But not all love is real love. I mean what you feel for me is affection, sympathy, friendship and I thank you for that. You came in my life when I needed most. You saved me. But love, Merlin, love is more than that, it is wonderful and dangerous, it's like a storm, it turns your world upside down and you would never be able to fixed it. Once you have found it, nothing would ever be the same. It challenges you, it makes you strong and it makes you weak too, because every action, every step you take, every single thought will be only for and about her.''

"But, I love you. I really do, Freya."

"I knew from the first day we met that you deserve more. I couldn't understand why you had chosen me. Eventually, I've understood that it is what you do, fight for the good, for what is right. I was so lucky to have met you"

His face darkened as he said "I've made so many mistakes, I've sacrificed so many people. I forgot what fighting for good means. I was a coward. I've failed so many people. Your words were too kind, but I'm not that good, I don't know if I'm good at all. And Freya, you shouldn't think so low about you. Trust me you are more that I deserve and I'm so glad that you came into my life. Don't let anyone tell you that there is something you don't deserve. But I, I... " He was so disappointed.

"You're too hard on you. You did make mistakes, but you can't change it. What is done can't be undone, Merlin. It's time to say goodbye to the past and fight for the future. Life taught you a lot. Use what you learnt for good." Her words made him feel better, though he couldn't cope with the thought that he had caused so much pain, that he could have done things differently.

"They will never forgive me." he murmured

"You can't know that. That crystal is a treacherous trap. It used your fears and your weakness to destroy you. Don't listen to it."

"But it's true. Everything is true. It's right."

"Because you believe it, because you fear that it may be. You make it real or not."

"But you are real, don't you?"

"How many times did this crystal show you things that make you happy? How many times did it comfort you?''

"Well, my first dream was almost pleasant."

"Almost?''

"It was about the day when I had poisoned Morgana. This time, though, I chose to talk with her and she told me that she was innocent. I didn't poison her instead I tried to find another way. I don't know if I succeeded. I wish it was real. I wish I had talked with her."

"But you didn't. Do you know why?" He didn't. "That's the catch. You can learn a lot from your own dream. The gauner can be useful if you know how to use it. It can help you understand your own fears. It don't change the past, but it explains it. There is a reason, Merlin. You know why, but you are too afraid to say it loud. '' She was right, but he would think about that later, for the moment, he was happy that he could see Freya. He needed to know if it is real.

"Then how am I able to see you and talk with you?" he enquired.

"I felt your distress and I came to help you. You were thinking of me and it was much easier to reach you. The water inside your dungeon came from the lake itself and that is how I manage to contact you. Your magic is strong, that strong that your soul was able to leave your body and came here. This kind of magic is called astral projection."

"So, I'm actually here? Can I use my magic too?"

"Not yet, it requires a lot of practice and patience. Now you need someone to guide you, but soon you will be able to travel wherever you want. It will take time until you can use your magic too, but you will do it eventually."

"And then I will freed me and Morgana." He said enthusiastically. "It's wonderful, Freya. I will be able to visit you every day."

"And I will wait for you, Merlin. One day I will show you Avalon and then you will have the chance to talk with all those you lost. You will find what they really think about you and if you want you can apologies. But first you need to learn. I can't take you to Avalon before. I don't want you to get lost. When you are ready you will know where to find me. Now is time to take you back."

"Wait. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"I dreamt that darkness took control over me. I was able to realize everything I did, but simply I didn't want to stop. I hurt my friends. I was so arrogant and I knew it wasn't right, that it wasn't me. I almost killed Arthur when…'' he stopped. She was listening to him carefully. "It hard to believe, but Morgana stopped me. She made me realize that it wasn't me. I felt someone grabbing my hand, but it was more than a simple grab, it was warm and peaceful. It was so gentle, but it chased away the darkness. When I waked up, I saw Morgana and I can't stop thinking that it was her that sent away the darkness. When I looked in her eyes I… I thought that I saw the old one, my friend." Freya smiled.

"Do you miss her?" the Lady of the Lake asked.

"I've tried not to think of her, to imagine that she had died and that powerful selfish witch is just another person. I hated her, but I never was able to kill her. I pitied her and I was furious. She ruined everything I'd loved, but deep inside I understood her. We wanted the same thing, to be accepted, but we chose different roads. She had lost faith in people; I guess that at one point I did too. But it was something I've always envied: her freedom. She hadn't had to be afraid of people's reaction; she had nothing to lose, neither friends nor respect. Yet, she wasn't happy."

"It must be a reason, doesn't it?" Freya asked, her voice revealing that she knew more that she let to be seen." He nodded.

"Now I know why. I found out today, that it wasn't freedom at all, I tested it in my dream. It was great at first, but then all I felt was emptiness. I couldn't feel pain and sorrow, but neither happiness. The power made me forget, it made me believe that I was strong, that I would never have to suffer again, that is why I didn't want to look back. It was a lie." Then his voice changed. "Do you think that I would have hurt my friends if had allowed myself to use all that power? I mean in the real world. In my dream I wanted to help them, but I ended hurting them. I can't understand. Can power corrupt your soul?"

"You have been afraid of that, don't you?"

"I guess I have. The day I killed Nimueh, I knew that it was darkness inside me. I've feared it so much, I was afraid of what I might become if I let myself to feel it again. I've hidden it, I've smothered it deep inside so it could never get out, but it was still there. I've always been aware of that. ''

"You knew to control it so well, Merlin and even if it is hard to believe light does shine in the darkness. Never had such a great power been held by a more capable person, Merlin. Every time, you feel the darkness, think about your friends and you will see that power means nothing compared with love and friendship. Despite what you may think, I don't see it strange that it was Morgana who saved you. The light inside her had been snuffed out long ago, but the place where it used to burn was still there. It needed just a spark to start burning again. It may be feeble now, but you sensed it anyway and you will see why. Now is time to go back and face the reality. Goodbye, Merlin. Be strong."

"Thank you, Freya. I will remember your words. This time I will fight for everything. I won't let my fears stay in my way."

 _Goodbye, Merlin_ she said, but he was too far away. He had changed a lot, she knew that, but she trusted him, even if she missed the young boy she had once loved so much. But he would always be her friend.

* * *

 _ **I guess it was the time Merlin received a little encouragement, after all, I was so judgemental.**_

 _ **Next time: a little story and you will see what was happening in the real word while Merlin was winning battles and dating his girlfriend.**_


	12. Echo

Echo

 _A week ago_

"Promise you won't laugh." She nodded. She couldn't feel like laughing no matter what he was going to say; she hadn't laughed for such a long time.

"Go on" she demanded.

"Well… don't laugh, please." He was exasperating.

"Merlin" she cried.

"You want to know why I gave you that slice of bread. Fine. I will tell you. All started when I was five. It was such a lovely weather. I used to love it so much. I took something to eat and I fled to the forest. There I used to feel the most comfortable as there were no people who could have seen me practicing magic. Actually, I had hardly known what I was doing; I didn't know any spell and it wasn't as safe as I had believed, but at least I could be sure that I wouldn't set my house in fire or turn the food into a disgusting sticky green fluid."

He lifted his eyes and watched Morgana. "It wasn't easy, but I managed somehow. Few days ago, some peasants had killed some wolf-poppies. I had been furious when I heard, but I couldn't scold them about it, they probably not even knew about my existence and I had learnt that world is unfair and cruel long before. Though, I couldn't accept it. In fact, that was why I went to the woods; I hoped that my magic would help them. (Obviously, my mother hadn't known anything about my plans. To be honest, I wasn't allowed to get out at all, but that day I stealthily ran away)."

"You weren't allowed to get out? Why did she…?" Morgana enquired "I mean, it was stupid what you intended to do, but you said she hadn't know. So?" She didn't expect that answer.

"It wasn't only that day. I was never allowed to go out, at least not without her." She could see that she had reached a part that Merlin would have rather kept hidden. She could read sorrow in his eyes. "It was because of my magic. She was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep it hidden. Every time we went out I held my breath for fear that if I should breath I would show the people who I really am. My mother had noticed that my powers were related with my feeling and she always reminded me to ignore everything. I thought that if I stopped breathing, I would feel nothing. Once I fainted, but I managed to keep my powers hidden. Well, I was a silly boy at that time and my mother loved me so much. I don't know how she coped with everything."

"But, it was cruel." Morgana exclaimed.

"It was the only way. I didn't have control over my powers then. I almost killed someone because he had scared me. Obviously, I didn't want to knock down that tree, but it happened and I was 16 at the time." He stopped. ''What I was saying? Yeah, I went into the woods to help that poor mother-wolf. She was so skinny and so hungry; she could have killed me at that very instant. Yet, she didn't. She watched me in the eye. I could see that she felt so lonely and so desperate. She must have missed her kids so much.

All I could do was to give her my food. It was little, but it was all I had. She stared at me. I wondered if she didn't consider revenge, if she had a better heart that those people who pretended to be just and sensitive. I wanted to pat her, but I was afraid. I don't know why, it was probably my instinct and my mother's stories about children who had been killed by wolves. I think that she was craving for a little affection, that she needed my love more than that food, but she was afraid, too. Finally, she fled away. I've never seen her again, despite the fact that I kept looking for her. I hope I don't make the same mistake again.''

But Morgana didn't answer. She could have asked him what she had to do with that she-wolf, but it was so clear, his last statement made it so clear and she followed the example of the she-wolf, she hide. She needed a place where she could cry and she didn't want him to follow her.

* * *

When she came back, he was unconscious and he was raving, his wounds were infected and he had fever.

* * *

She didn't know if he had suggested that she needed affection too or he had only felt pity for her as he had felt for that poor wolf long time ago and all he had wanted was to help. She regretted that she hadn't asked, at least she would have known, but it had been too much for her. She had recognized herself in that description, deep inside she had known that she was alone and desperate too, that she also needed a little love and she had wanted him to follow her. He had called her out, but he was too weak to follow her and she was too proud to let him see her crying.

She had tried her best to be strong, but finally she let herself feel and it hurt, it hurt horribly. She was trembling and she couldn't stop it. Her world was falling down over again and in that very instant she was aware that she wouldn't be able to build it again. Years after years, she had woken up, dreaming of the day when she would be queen, of the day when finally she would have everything she wanted, she had told herself that she would be happy then. Now she doubted it. It had been an illusion, an obsession that had helped her stay firm on her feet, but as that illusion faded away she could see that it wasn't what she really wanted.

She tried to remember what used to make her happy, genuinely happy. As she remembered she realized how wrong she had been. She had used to be happy when she could help other. She had used to give food to the poor ones and she had loved so much to speak with them. They had loved her. She had been welcomed everywhere. People hadn't respected her because of her title, but due to her kindness. Then as she had found about her powers, she had wanted to be accepted, to make people see that magic was not evil, that she wasn't a monster.

Morgause had made her believe that she would have all those when Uther would be death and Camelot destroyed. She had thought that as a queen she would never have to be afraid again. She had thought that she was helping those like her, that she was revenging all those who had suffered because of Uther. In the end she had even forgetting what she was fighting for, all that had remained was that obsession: to be queen, to be feared and powerful.

Now she couldn't see a way out. She was a prisoner, she was hungry and she was powerless. Out there she was hated. Even if she got out, there wouldn't be any better for her. Though, she wasn't willing to let anyone know.

She wiped off her tears and sneaked towards Marlin corner. It was silence. Only the crystal lighted the deep darkness surrounding Merlin. She was happy that she could spy on him without being seen.

He was sleeping. At first she had been furious, later she calmed herself and decided to let him sleep. After all he had fought for both of them.

She tried to sleep, but sleep didn't come easily. She tossed in her sleep, waiting for the morning to come, but morning never came. It was always dark, there was no windows, not even a single tiny hole that would allow the sunlight to enter. Somehow she lost the track of the time.

Finally she gave up and started to paced around. Everything was so irksome, there was nothing to do and Merlin was still sleeping. She decided to wake him up. She dashed toward him, but as she got close enough she backed down. What might she say to him? She couldn't tell him that she had been bored and she had needed someone to talk with. Definitely, she couldn't. She might pretend that she had done it in order to annoy him; it would be credible. Soon, she dismissed that idea too. It was so boring.

She kept pacing. The tension ran high and she felt that she was going to burst out. She considered the previous night's thought. She had been such an idiot. She couldn't understand why she had felt so guilty.

She had done a lot of thing she didn't like, but there hadn't been another way. After all, she had sacrificed her happiness for other; she had given up her beliefs so that those like her would be respected in the future. It was true that thousands of people had died, but great things required sacrifices and great wars had to be fought with blood. If Merlin hadn't had interfered, she wouldn't have to kill so many people. People would have recognized her as their queen as soon as Arthur had been dead. She wouldn't have been happy, she knew it, she wasn't cruel and strong, she wasn't meant to be queen, but it was the only way to restore magic to the realm, Arthur would have never allowed it.

During the time, when she was alone and afraid, she thought if the things had been better, should she stayed by Arthur's side, if he would have ever accepted her and they might have worked together in order to build a better world, but as the time passed, she learnt that it was no going back and she started to hate the king even more.

She had done what she had to do, there was nothing she should regret, she encouraged herself.

She was decided to reproach Merlin all those things, to tell him that he had destroyed everything, to ask him what he had gained by fighting against her. Deep inside she was curious why he had chosen to help Arthur rather than helping her. She walked toward him again. Her green panther like eyes glitter with hate. Finally, she would be able to stand up against him, she would be the hero and not the villain in that story. She was only several meters far away when she stopped. She didn't know how to start.

She ended up enquiring how he could sleep so much. She started to pace again. It was silence. All you could hear where her steps and the irksome noise of the drops of water falling down the stone walls.

* * *

 **This chapter is more about the world Morgana tried to build and about how she must feel when she realize that it was an illusion. She is not a character who wants to be saved, she not even realize that there is another way. Merlin is also more complex that it seems. So many things are not explained in the serial or maybe I am too focused on the psychological aspect of the characters.**

 **Thank you all who read and encourage me. It means a lot for me.**

 **Next chapter: She is haunted by her insecurity while Merlin is sleeping.**


	13. Crossroads

Crossroads

Merlin murmured something, making her slow her pacing. She would have given anything to know what he was saying. For a moment she thought he had woken up, but he was still sleeping. She started to doubt that he was all right, he was so agitated and so not-himself and he was sleeping so much, but she decided that it wasn't her problem, if he was going to die then he would die, people came and go, it was the cycle of life. He wouldn't be any different.

But she didn't want him to die. She told herself that it was because he was useful alive. He was a fool willing to give his food to her and if she would act perfectly she might gain a lot. Though, she wasn't the one to pretend. She thought that it would be too humiliating to be nice and act like she had forgiven him, when she knew that it would never happen.

She tried to think to something else and ignore him. When she was only a kid she used to imagine different situations, possible or impossible. As she didn't have anything better to do she was willing to try it. What she had loved so much about imagining her own life was that she could shape it as she wanted. She closed her eyes and started to imagine.

 _She was queen. She had conquered Camelot and she had legalized the magic. She had killed Uther and Arthur, she was firm and people respected her and she was feared and everything was perfect and Morgause was by her side, encouraging her._

No, she wasn't happy, something was wrong. She didn't like it. She seemed Uther. She could see the people glare at her. She could feel unrest and enmity around her. She had to do something he would have never done, she was going to show mercy.

 _Arthur wasn't dead. She had captured him and she forced him to give up his claim to the throne._

But Arthur would have never given up, he would have rather died. She knew that, but she felt that such an act of clemency would reach the hearts of the people.

 _She had erased his memory and sent him away, but she asked someone to look after him. The people were impressed. She was proud of herself. She was so beautiful, she had always been aware of the effect she had had towards men, she could gain their hearts in seconds and she was powerful and suddenly people started to love her. She heard them whispering, they admired her and some even said that she would be a great queen. And she forgave Merlin too, despite the fact that he had tried to poison her. He would work there for her. The very idea of having Merlin working for her made her heart pound faster. Everything would be like before, no, better as none would suffer because of Uther's tyranny._

It didn't seem real. She wasn't happy, there was something missing and she sensed what it might be. She knew that Merlin would never leave Arthur and even if he did, she couldn't imagine him as anything else but Arthur's servant. It had been such a strong bond between the two of them. She remembered how Arthur had used to be before Merlin came to Camelot. He would have never disobeyed his father and he had been such a selfish, arrogant, idiot, daddy boy, he would have never risked his life in order to save his servant. He had hardly known his servant's name and he had so little respect for ordinary people. He obeyed his father without asking.

He hadn't been bad, he had been better than his father. She had used to love him, as a brother and despite their quarrels she had wished him the best. Merlin had changed him, forced him to doubt his decisions. He would have never admitted it, but Merlin's words of advice had helped him took better decisions. He had been far from being the king he should have been, but…

She had never known what Arthur had thought about magic. He had hardly had the chance to see that magic can help rather than destroy, maybe deep inside he had known that, but her actions… Her betrayal must have hurt him, he must have thought that magic had made her like that. She wondered if Merlin would have succeeded in making him see that magic is good unless she had acted so selfish. She wondered if it would have been another way, the way Merlin had told her about while he had tried to convince her to give up her revenge. But she couldn't quiet the voice that utter inside _"Why did he poisoned me?"_

Deep inside she wished that someone had believed in her in the same way Merlin had with Arthur, that someone had gone to the same length to help her as he had done with Arthur, had forgiven her as many time as he had forgiven Arthur, she wished someone had shown her the right way. For a long time, the only love and support she had was the one Aithusa had offered her. It was unconditional and infinite. For a short time, she had Mordred by her side too, but it was only because he had wanted revenge and she had been the best way to obtain it.

It had been so easy when she didn't thought about all those things. If only Merlin had woken up.

She couldn't sit down, but if she kept going here and there, she would be sick. She tried to thing to something else. Nothing came to her mind and her head was spinning. She felt the urge to shout and break something, but everything she could find around was stone. She started to hit the stone wall in her fury. The pain helped her calm down and soon she sat down crying like a child.

After a while, as her head cleared, she told herself that Arthur would have never accepted magic and so she had done what she had to do. It had usually worked in her moments of doubt and uncertainty, but it was too late now, she couldn't ignore that possibility.

Though, Arthur hadn't acted better than her either, when she had declared war to him, he had answered with war. He hadn't looked for her all that time and he had never tried to make pace. If he had acted differently, if he had shown little compassion to her, if he had tried to care, she would have forgiven him, but he had given up on her and so had all her friends.

* * *

All those thought haunted her all the week. She only fell asleep to wake up some moments later tormented by horrible images. She could find pace neither asleep nor awake. She had tried to ignore Merlin, but as the time passed and she felt more and more alone, she couldn't help feeling compassion for him. Her sense cried her to stay away, her heart, though, commanded her to help him, to be a better person.

Finally, her heart prevailed. It wasn't much she could do. The infection was strong and his fever was high. It was no wonder that he hadn't wake up for so long. He was raving. She couldn't understand what he was saying, but she tried to ease his pain. She cleaned his wounds, wetted his neckerchief and put it on his head, careful to wet it again later. She sat next to him watching every move he made.

She remembered that when her father had been ill she had used to hold his hand, she had used to think that it would help him feel better. Her father had told her that her energy had made him recover.

She didn't know if it was going to work, but she tried anyway. He had been so ill all week and she couldn't imagine him waking up so soon, so she didn't need to worry that he would see her. She wanted so much for it to work. She just imagined that she was holding the hand of a dear friend and let herself wrapped in that feeling. It certainly made him feel better as he stopped raving and he started to breathe normally. When she lifted her eyes, they met Merlin's and she simply didn't know what to do, she was hypnotized.

It lasted so little as he fell asleep again. For a moment he seemed happy, but soon she could read pain on his face. After he had woken up she decided to keep a little distance, but she kept watching him. He was talking in his sleep again, but all she could hear was a name: Freya.

* * *

Soon, the water around him started to shine. It was so beautiful. Every drop of water was shining like diamonds and the air was filled with magic, she could feel it. His pain eased up and he calmed again. For a while it was deep silence. Then she heard something.

"Do you need my help?" a voice enquired. She tried to find out where it came from. "Over here." The voice said and soon a little man jumped on her lap. "I'm a gnome, a creature of the Earth. I've been watching you two for a while, uncertain if I should interfere, but I doubt he may survive without my help. So, here I am."

"Then, help him." she demanded.

"It's not so easy" he said.

"What you want in return? I don't have much, but maybe I can…''

"I've spent years watching people, I've seen empires rise and fall, brother slathering brother, friends betraying friends, I've seen wars and pain and I've hated people. Though, there was something that has amassed me always, there is a reason I could never stop watching them." She couldn't understand. "That's love. The way people love and care for each other. You don't see it every day but when you do…, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"And what had that to do with me? It wasn't I that started that war'' she uttered interrupting him.

"Just listen. I was just explaining why I'm willing to help. There are millions of people in this world and all seem the same until one day you learn to take apart a voice from thousands, the sound of somebody's steps from thousands of so-alike steps, a single smell, a single smile. I wish you could see what I've seen all those years." Then he became firm and serious.'' The question is if you really want me to help him." She watched him surprised, but she said nothing. "I have the power to see the future. I can show you what will happen if you help him."

"Show me" she demanded impatient.

"If you save him, you will never be the queen of Camelot."

"I may ever be queen?" she asked.

"I can't promise you that, but I can assure you that as long as he lives you will never be. It's your choice."

"What will happen if I save him?'' she asked, impatiently. ''Please, I need to know. What should I do?"

"There are many paths, Morgana. All I can tell you is to choose."

* * *

 **Next time: What is she going to do? Two possible futures, a single choice.**


	14. For whom the bell tolls

For whom the bell tolls

"If you save him, you will never be the queen of Camelot."

"I may ever be queen?" she asked.

"I can't promise you that, but I can assure you that as long as he lives you will never be. It's your choice."

"What will happen if I save him? Please, I need to know. What should I do?"

"There are many paths, Morgana. All I can tell you now is that: Choose."

"I can't." it was all she could say.

"Think about, Morgana, but hurry up, he doesn't have much time."

For so many years it was what she had wanted the most. From the moment she had heard the prophesy about Emrys, there was not a single moment of peace for her. She would have done anything to see him dead. Finally she had that chance, but she didn't want that. Though, she couldn't give up the only chance she had to be queen. She had sacrificed everything for it.

Despite everything she had learnt by then, she couldn't abandon the hope that as the queen of Camelot she would be able to fix things. All her life she had hated to be vulnerable, as queen she would have people around willing to protect her, willing to give their lives for her and she would, at last, have a bed to sleep and enough food to eat, she wouldn't have to hide and run, she would have a home for Aithusa. They would be happy together. How much she missed Aithusa. That little dragon had taught her what friendship was really like.

The gnome coughed, reminding her that she didn't have much time. Merlin didn't look well at all, but in spite of everything he had been through, she could read peace on his face. How much she needed it, but that war, all those plans and errors had made her forget how peace looked like.

"Please, show me. Show me, how me life would be like. Help me to choose. Tell me which way is the best." She begged.

"It depends on what you want. As I've told you, there are many possibilities." he said on a mellow voice. "It's not my choice to make. You, and you alone would be responsible for what your life would be like."

"Merlin and I, we are so different. Maybe we will manage somehow to get along, maybe we will get out of here, maybe we will be friends again, but one day I would fail him again, I will make something stupid, so stupid that he will hate me and we will be enemies again. I won't be able to handle it. I don't want to be alone again." she couldn't go on, tears were running down her face and her voice died out.

"And what about letting him die? Does it worth it? Would you sacrifice him for the possibility of being queen or would you rather let him die because, maybe, one day he will betray you?" the gnome enquired.

"I can't let myself to care. They are only people, it won't matter what they think, it won't matter if I'm good or bad, they will have to serve me. If I command, they will obey. There is nothing to lose, nothing to cry for."

"If it were what you want, then you wouldn't doubt your choice." he said on a voice full of wisdom. There were years over years on his shoulder and though he could still be surprised, but not fooled.

"The idea of being alone scares me. This week was the most horrible week in my life. I've never felt so lost and alone. All those years I spent as Sarrum's prisoner, it hurt me so much seeing Aithusa suffering and what had kept me strong was the fact that I had something to fight for. I fought for her. Now, I'm completely lost. She's better without me. Despite the fact that I need her, I'm glad that she is not here. How could I be responsible for something that I don't know? Show me. Show me what I will lose."

"Farewell, I will show you two possible futures. I will show you what you will lose if you let him live and what you will never have to handle if you decide to let him die. Are you ready?" She nodded.

The drops of water started to shine and they gathered together until they formed a mirror like surface. There she saw herself.

She had managed to escape from that prison and she had her revenge against Bolin and his army. The castle was in flames and their bodies rest still at her feet. She was powerful again and people tremble in front of her. She didn't care for none and nothing, she was cold as stones and unmerciful, there was no pain, no loneliness, no love, no remorse.

The images disappear and then new images appear.

"That is likely to happen if you help him. I've chosen one of the worst moments of your life. Ready?"

She was surrounded by wounded people and the sky was in flames, some buildings were in flame, too. It was raining with fire and the noise was horrible. Every thunder made her heart stop. She heard people crying and begging for help and it was so difficult to help all of them. There were other women like her who were treating and bandaging people. They were all rushing here and there. The beds were full and more and more people were brought there. She was working, but her mind was far away.

" _You're worried about him, don't you?"_ a woman enquired.

" _He is there, fighting and… Tomorrow are published the names of those who died. I can't read it. The very thought that Elias might be among them. I can't lose him, Any"_ The other woman held her in her arms.

" _He would be_ _all right, you'll see. If you want I can come with you. I will read the list for you."_

" _Thank you. You're so sweet."_

The images disappeared again and she was alone with the gnome. She couldn't speak.

"Now, is time to choose. And no more questions."

"It's strange, you know." the gnome watched her surprised. She went on. "I've spent years waiting for that moment, the moment I will never have to be afraid of anything. In that vision I was powerful, intangible, glorious, it was euphorically, I've sensed it, but will it last?

Contrary, in the other vision I was vulnerable, fragile, afraid, and though I wasn't going to give up. I was surrounded by pain, I sensed it, it hurt me to see all those people suffering, it scared me what the next thunder would bring, I knew that I couldn't live without him, but I was able to deal with it. I guess that means to be strong.

In the first vision people surrendered at my command, they trembled at my voice, I gained everything and though I didn't won their hearts and their respect. But those people, they were hurt, in pain and I had hardly been able to help them, I had no power, I was an ordinary girl, but those people, they respected me, they watched me with love and affection and I know that despite being an exhausting work, I loved what I was doing. I wasn't alone and my only regret was that I couldn't do more. I want to be that girl, I really want that. Now I know that I can't get over it alone. Merlin is all I have right now."

"What you choose is what you'll be. One day you will understand more. Nothing's in vain, Morgana. Never lose hope. Good luck, my child."

He bent his knees and whispered something in Merlin's ear, then he spoke "That's the only cure for this kind of wounds you claimed you didn't know how to heal." Morgana was flabbergasted.

"What are you talking about? Where is it? Give it to me." She demanded, despite the fact that the gnome didn't seem to have spoken to her.

"You will need it more than you think, but it is not in my power, Morgana."

"But, you've promised to help him.'' She said disappointed. The gnome laughed.

"Actually, I saved his life. I don't have the power to heal his body and he doesn't need me. He is strong enough." She was shocked. "I've lied to you when I told you that he would die without my help, but I had my reasons. And there are many ways to save a life, there are so many versions and crossroads waiting for you both. He needed a cure and I gave him. I wish I could help more, maybe it is not meant to be. Beware my advice: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. And tell him that the shes wish him the best and hope their paths will cross again.

"What did he asked?''

"Ask him? My mission is complete now. Goodbye, Morgana!"

"Wait. Why did you make me choose if you knew that he would survive anyway? I didn't change anything."

"You chose your own path. I just give you a little help, but it was you who did that. Sometime I can't help interfering. This time is Merlin fault, his question made me see a different possible future that was so hard to notice."

He just disappeared and it was silence again. Some moments later, Merlin wake up and he was smiling. She was happy, too. She hoped that things would be better even if she didn't know how it might change something. She knew for certain what would be the price for being queen and for the moment she wasn't willing to pay it.

* * *

Merlin's soul came back from Avalon, but he didn't come back to his body immediately. He just kept watching Morgana. He saw the gnome, he heard their conversation. He was sure that she would sacrifice him and he almost cried when he heard her. Freya was right there was a light inside Morgana and he was grateful to Aithusa for keeping it burning.

He remembered the day when he had watched Morgana sleeping and he had wished he had known how to heal her soul.

Love, of course. How could he have never known? She needed someone to love and someone to love her unconditionally, to fight for her, to make her believe that she was special, but who was that person? He considered that if Aithusa's friendship was able to keep that light alive, what the love that Freya and that gnome had spoken about might do.

* * *

 _Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.-_ **Buddha. I liked this quote the instant I read it.**

 **I hope you liked the gnome (don't worry he had nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, by the way). You will find more about gnomes next chapter. Merlin seems to know a lot about magical creature and about how to tease a proud witch.**


	15. What lies beneath

What lies beneath

"Thank you" he said on a mellow voice and he meant it. She watched him surprised.

"What for?" she asked. She was more than surprised, she was shocked.

"For saving my life." Her face told him that she didn't know what he was spoken about. "The gnome, you know"

"What gnome?" she asked trying to hide her emotions.

"Morgana, I saw you, I heard you. It is not worth denying it. You chose to save me. Thank you." It took her aback, but she recovered fast.

"It is pretty nice that you dream about me, Merlin" she said on a sarcastic tone ''but I thought that you were cleverer than that. Let me be clear- I would never sacrifice anything for you and I will be queen one day either you want it or not."

"Hold on." he cut whatever she was going to say next. "I've never mention what you had to give up."

"Yes, you do" she answered immediately. Finally, she acknowledged her mistake. "You said that I gave up my throne in your dream.'' she stated. She tried to be firm, but she knew that he wasn't someone to fool so easily.

"I didn't, and you know it very well. You couldn't have known it unless…" here he stopped and watched her in the eye. She turned around avoiding his glance and she shouted

"Idiot"

"No, I'm not and you know it" he answered quickly.

"You are such an idiot to believe all those foolish childish ideas of you. I don't care about you. I hate you. Do you understand? I hate you. You ruined everything I fought for; you took me everything I loved, how could I have ever done something for you?"

He hadn't expected to go like that, but she was right, he had hurt her and she couldn't forgive him so easily.

"I'm sorry" he babbled.

"I'm glad that you finally saw that it was so stupid." She cut him.

"No, not for that." She turned her head towards him. He went close until he could watch her freely in the eye. "I'm sorry for giving up on you. I've never known how much it meant for you." As she heard his words she tried to hide her face and to go away, but he grabbed her hand and pushed her near to him. "Please, listen. You can say everything you want after that, but now, please, just listen.

I abandoned you when you had mistaken instead of being your friend and supporting you, instead of staying by your side. You're right to think that I will do it again, but I've learnt a lot since then. I was a stupid boy and I was furious and scared. It doesn't justified anything, I know, but I want you to know that I'm sorry, that I blamed myself for what you have become." As he said that he took her face into his hands and lifted it so he could see her eyes. There were tears there, but she tried to hold them back.

"It had hurt me, but I got over it. I would have given anything to hear it, but now it is too late, Merlin. I can't remember how it was or what I felt. I can't forgive you and I will never be able to trust you again." She went into the darkness of the cave.

''Do you know why I gave you that slice of bread?"

"Well, you told me that silly story."

'' Because you were alone. I knew that you need someone to look after you and I want to do that . I know that I'm not the best person in the world, but I want to make up for everything I did wrong. And, Morgana, I want to thank you for taking care of me while I was ill. I felt it and even if I can't prove it, I'm sure that you were there."

She didn't answer. It was too much for her. Lately, she had cried so much, but it made her feel good. She was grateful that he finally let her alone; she didn't want him to see her like that. Maybe, sleep would come easily this time.

She couldn't sleep. She wished she had told him the truth, but she couldn't let him see her so vulnerable. She had to make him believe that it was a dream, a stupid dream, but he was too stubborn and ,more she had left when she should have stayed allowing him to win. She had to do something.

He wasn't sleeping either. She could see him. She made her mind and she went toward him.

"I don't need" she said, but she felt she couldn't go on as he lifted his head. She took a breath and she continued trying to focus on the hatred she used to feel for him, for her brother, for the town she had loved once. "I don't need help. I've learnt to handle everything on my own. You should stop believing that you can save me, because I don't need to be saved. If you want to know I was really happy without you all this week." Then she put on her wicked smirk "and you were such and idiot to think that I will spend my week trying to heal you or speaking with an ugly, old and creepy gnome, who gave pieces of advice about life and love." Here she stopped, shocked by her stupidity. She hoped he didn't notice, but judging after his content smile, she was sure he did. "You are an idiot, you know?" she cried furious.

He wanted to be nice, but he couldn't help. She needed a lesson after all.

"You're right" he said, but his smile didn't faint. She was flabbergasted.

 _Did he give up?_ She thought.

"Of course. I'm glad that you come to your senses." She mocked him.

"Well, it is obvious"

 _Does it?_ She questioned herself, but she kept her neutral face.

"It is obvious" he went on ''How couldn't I see it?" he was annoying and she wanted to slap him. "If it had been real, the _so_ clever and skillful lady Morgana Pendragon would have asked the gnome to set her free and then she could have healed me herself. After all she is a good healer." She was listening to him with her mouth opened literally opened as she didn't know what to say. She had never done that, but she couldn't believe it. Why hadn't she thought about it? She had been such an idiot. He noticed her reaction and he said joking

"I know that you're hungry, but I doubt that food would come itself to your mouth no matter how wide opened it is. You might catch a fly if there were any here, but none is stupid enough to want to spend its short life here. Sorry." Finally, she realized that her mouth was opened. She felt like she was about to cry. She had never felt so humiliated in her entire life and she couldn't stop herself.

"If you were so clever why didn't you tell him yourself?" she had already admitted that it was true. He made her to admit it. How much she hated him.

"Because…" he looked her in the eye ''even asleep I could know that he won't be able to do that.'' He stopped. When she had thought that it couldn't be worse, she acknowledged that it was only the beginning. "You're right, I'm such an idiot. You know, too. You are a high priestess of the Old Religion. Of course my dream was a fantasy. You would have never let him fool you like that. You would have known that gnomes possess only the power to foresee the future and share that knowledge with others. A high priestess knows these things, you must have known that they couldn't break chains and you must have _known that they couldn't heal a scratch less a mortal blow._ You should have told me from the start. Forgive my ignorance."

"They couldn't heal?" she asked in such a timid tone.

"Neap. They are good talkers and pretty old, they are rather good when comes about prophecies and knowledge. Their power comes from the Earth itself. Instead, the dwarfs are really gifted."

"What's the difference?"

"Dwarfs are nice and they like to life outside, in untamed forests, the gnomes live underground and they come outside rarely. But that gnome was really nice, I don't think that I would have learnt what I learnt without his help. Who would have ever thought?"

"What did he tell you?'' she enquired, curiosity hanging in her voice.

"Does it matter? It was only a dream." It was enough. She stood up quickly and went to her corner.

"You can stay here if you want" Merlin suggested "it's light and…" but he didn't finished as she burst out

"I would rather die than to share the same corner with you."

"As you wish. I'm here if you change your mind."

"Idiot"

"Arrogant silly girl''

"How you dare?"

"I don't know. How do I? It might be because I'm not afraid to admit the truth."

"Shut up"

"Good night, Pixy"

She didn't say anything. It had been a long time since anyone had told her good night, but even though she was furious, wasn't she?

* * *

She didn't sleep well. She had dreamed about Merlin and Freya. She hated so much that she couldn't see her face, she was so curious about that girl. Her dream made no sense. She could not even remember what it was about, except that they were happy. But she could remember her feelings. They were so vivid in her mind.

She imagined that She was beautiful, in her dream she knew it and it made her so furious. She hated her. It hurt, it hurt her so badly to see Merlin happy with her. It was so painful. It was something she had never felt before.

She couldn't understand why she would dream something like that. She didn't care about Merlin. Well, she didn't want him to be happy, but she knew that it wouldn't have bothered her if he would have been with her instead of that Freya. She had even imagined how it would be if he hugged her and caress her hair and tell her stories about magical creatures.

She tried to convince herself that it was a dream and that she hated him. That damned crystal was playing again with her mind. She laughed as she remembered what she had felt, but it was so false that everybody could see it. Soon she burst out crying and there was nobody to comfort her. She wished so much for Merlin to hear her, but as she glanced to his corner she saw that it was empty. He left, letting her behind. He had left her alone.

* * *

 **What you think? Merlin seems to like to tease her, not that she doesn't ask for it.**

 **Next time you will find why he left and you will meet a mysterious woman. Could you guess who?**


	16. The lady in red

The lady in red

She had been crying away for what seemed like hours, when she heard the guards opened the gate and throwing something inside. She wiped her eyes and watched surprised.

"Do you sleep well, Pixy?"

As soon as she heard Merlin's voice she tried to hide her face, but it was too late, he noticed the tears on her face. "What happened?" he asked concerned.

"Nothing" she sobbed. "Something got into my eyes and…" When he heard that, he couldn't stop laughing.

"That's not funny." She blazed up.

"No, it is not, weepy creature." He said on his most serious tone. She turned around furious. "Come on, Weepy. Do you really think that I managed to escape and left you alone here?" he asked her.

"I've told you that I have something in my eyes." She cried exasperated. "What makes you believe that I was crying?" she enquired.

"Because you're human and because you felt hurt. Look I brought something. Would you forgive me?" He offered her a slice of bread

"All of it?" she asked as if he had brought her an over-sized bread.

"There's not so much and I guess you're hungry.''

She started to eat quietly while he tried to sit more comfortable, which was extremely difficult as his body was covered in bruises and sore wounds.

"You were sleeping'' he said "and I didn't want to disturb you. Bolin had important guests and he couldn't avoid boasting with his new acquirement." He noticed the sadness in her eyes and he tried to change the topic. "By the way, he thought that we can't stand each other." She threw him a blank look. "Well, I made him believe that. He seemed content."

"Well, it's true, I can't stand you." She threw at him.

"Maybe, but you think that he would be happy knowing that I offered you my food. We're not actually mortal enemies. Let him believe that we are."

"Fine. I don't care." She rejoined. "At least you saw the light of the sun. I miss it. How is it?"

"Don't worry, the sun is still a boiling shining fire globe on the sky."

"Be serious."

"You don't believe me?''

"I'm done.'' She sniffed. "You're horrible."

"Thanks."

"Oh, Merlin'' she called as she found the best way to annoy him "Who's that girl?... Freya, I guess, doesn't it?'' She went on sarcastically ''You kept calling her name in your sleep. I'm extremely surprised that you've found a girl.''

She laughed and, as she noticed his sad look, she got harsher "Oh, poor creature… she doesn't pay attention to you, does she? Has she noticed you or you started to babble as you tried to speak with her? Did you blush? Of course you did. I hope you didn't bother her with flowers and childish sweet words, Merlin.'' she mocked him ''I would love to meet the one who could feel something for you. She must be such a silly naïve peasant girl if she likes you. I really pity her.''

She went on with her sarcastic remarks, but he didn't listen to her. He tried to hold back his fury and the pain that pierced his heart. After so many years he still missed her and it hurt, and it hurt to hear Morgana speak like that.

"You know nothing, Morgana" he uttered in the end, as he couldn't allow her to go on, and he left.

At the beginning, she felt happy that she had finally won her battle with Merlin, but as the excitement fainted she felt hollowed and lonely. It did felt like she had won, it felt rather painful.

* * *

As he found himself alone, the memories of the day ran through his mind. It had been difficult. His sword skills hadn't improved too much, but at least he had had a plan. It had worked as well as the previous time. He had found new tricks also, but the fighter had been really skillful and strong.

The wounds hurt him terribly, but he tried to ignore them. He had to get used with it and he had to train himself.

What surprised him was the lady sitting next to Bolin. She had thrown him an encouraging smile. Actually, she had watched him all the time and she had thrown smiles to him when Bolin hadn't paid attention to her.

 _She might help me if I asked. She seemed to like me and she must have some influence here._ He thought. He remembered her smile and her sweet innocent face. _She must be pretty young,_ he said himself. _That's not fair. What am I thinking? Poor girl. I don't want to broke her heart and destroy her. She didn't deserve that. But I need her._

* * *

 **She's not Freya, but I guess you already know that, and he didn't run away with her. Other ideas? You will find more about her the next time.**

 **Freya will be here soon, but I don't want to give Morgana the satisfaction of knowing that** _ **her**_ _ **rival**_ **is dead. Not yet.**


	17. The beginning of the nightmare

The beginning of the nightmare

These thoughts haunted him all day and he couldn't find an answer. He knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, but he didn't know how much he would be able to endure this, to have to fight for a slice of bread, to have to kill. He hated it. It hurt him every time he had to do it, but it was the only way to survive. He wished he had been as skillful as Arthur, then he would have been able to defeat his adversary without being forced to kill him. He would be able to make him surrender and he would wipe that disgusting smirk from Bolin's face.

He stood up and he started to fight, he had neither a sword nor an adversary, but he had still his imagination. He didn't know if it was going to help, but at least he was doing something. He found a rough stick and used it as a sword. He tried to remember the moves Arthur had used to teach his knives. At first, he remembered little, but as he started to practice, the right moves gradually came into his mind.

* * *

Morgana watched him amazed. She wanted to help, she could have teach him if only he had asked, but he was too wrapped in his thoughts to notice her. She had never seen him so furious and so disparate. She wanted to say something but words didn't come easily.

It wasn't as easy as he had thought, but he went on for hours, ignoring the wounds that were bleeding and his lungs that craved for air. He exhausted himself hopping that his head would stop spinning. It was crazy, but he needed it. His magic cried to get out, making his body curve from the pain. Finally, exhausted, he fell on his knees.

"Stop, Merlin. It won't help." Morgana cried out. "Are you crazy?"

"Don't… just leave me alone.'' He demanded. Then he lowered his voice. "I'm alright, Morgana. Go to sleep." He was holding his head down and he had covered his face with his hands, but even if she wasn't able to see his face, she could notice that he was crying. She had never seen him crying.

She didn't know what to do. Eventually, she decided to go and then, he stopped her. He was leaned to the stone wall of the dungeon and he forced a smile as she turned around.

"I'm sorry.'' He said. ''I'm just a little tired, some sleep will make me feel better. You need some sleep too, Weepy." She watched him, desperation written on her face.

"He won.'' She sobbed, unable to detain her tears. "Bolin won. He won.'' She kept saying over and over again.

"No," he said. "He will win only if we let him. We are going to fight. We will stand firm on our feet and we will win. I promise."

"Look what he had done to us." She cried. "Look around. We will never get out of here."

"We allowed him to do that, but he can't change us. I won't let him turn me into his puppet. We're stronger than that and we will prove him that. Come on, you're Morgana Pendragon. You can't give up."

"I don't know anymore who I am.''

"The strongest person, I've ever met.''

 _If only you had chosen to use it to save the world rather than destroy it._ He couldn't stop thinking, even if that made him feel needles in his heart. His words made her feel better, but they weren't enough, then he lied "I have a plan. Soon we'll get out of here." Her face lightened.

"Really."

"Well, I need to work on it, but everything will be fine. I need you to trust me."

''Do I have a choice?" she asked, but there wasn't enmity in her voice.

"No, you don't" he joked. "Let's have some sleep, shall we?" he suggested.

Morgana fell asleep as soon as she lay down and, for the first time in years, she felt peace. Merlin could hear her laughing in her sleep. It was the laughter of an innocent child, not her mad burst of evil laughter.

He couldn't sleep instead. He made his mind, he wouldn't let Bolin turn him into a disgusting murderer. He would fight with honor and not for survival. He knew that he was more than that. And that lady in red..., he knew that he would never forget himself if he would use her as a mean to get out of that prison.

He was scared and tired, never before had he felt so alone. He needed someone to talk, but he couldn't be honest with her. After everything they had passed through, he realized that he would have to lie to her again. Hope is the only thing that would keep her sane and he couldn't lose her again, not after everything he had achieved. He spent the entire night hunted by the past and by the prospects of a dark future.

* * *

"Who is the new prisoner, Father?" Helen, the younger daughter of Bolin asked.

"Stay away from these things, Helen.'' Bolin demanded

"I want to see him. May I come with you, tonight? I won't do anything stupid. I promise.'' As her father seemed hard to impress she begged him using her most sweet voice.

"Fine. But you don't go far from me."

"Thanks, Father."

She knew exactly who she was going to meet, but she wanted to see him. A content smirk appeared on her face, a face that seemed so innocent, but her evil smirk and the glitter of hate from her eyes showed the contrary.

She behaved like a true lady and she smiled innocently to Merlin as he won the duel. She knew that she got his attention. This time it would be different, she told herself.

 _He would need me and I will help him. He is too precious to let him go. Together we can rule the world._

Nobody could guess what lay behind that sweet face not even Merlin. She was too good pretending, after all, she had done it for the last 10 years.

 _Finally, we meet again, Merlin._

He couldn't hear her thoughts, if he had he would be shocked of what he would find.

* * *

 **Surprise! Who might Hellen be ? Is she the Triple Goddess? Eventually, you will find more about her, but you have to be patient. Actually, I don't want you to be patient, I want you curious, completely and irrevocably curious.**

 **Next chapter: Merlin and Morgana do what they do better. What is it?**

 **See you next time.**


	18. Nothing has changed

Nothing has changed

As the time passed, Merlin got used with his new program, but he missed someone to talk to. At night, he tried hard to find Freya. He concentrated, he felt his magic inside, but he couldn't find a way to leave his body, not even for a second.

Things didn't improve. No matter how much he wanted, he wasn't good enough to disarm his adversary and he had to use his old tricks. He was frustrated. It hurt him every time he had to kill and it made him hate Bolin even more. Now he had to fight almost everyday, sometimes twice or even more times a day. The only good thing was that he was wearing those iron bands now, instead of those horrible cuffs that prevent him from doing anything.

He worked hard every day, trying to keep himself busy, but sleep didn't come easily. He couldn't find a way to let go of all that frustration he felt inside. He fell asleep calling Freya's name, begging the mirror of water to show her face again, but she never came and he didn't know how to find her.

Morgana was too far away. She kept watching him all day, but they hardly spoke. He kept giving her his food and that was the only moment when they share some words. He couldn't understand how she didn't get bored, how she spent the entire day. She had more patience than he could have imagined. He used to watch her while she was asleep and wished he could have saved her from nightmares, but little did he know that he was the reason why she could hardly found peace lately.

.

Sometimes she woke up crying and he tried to calm her down. He usually joked with her trying to make her feel better. Selfish as it might seem, he loved those nights as her problems made him forget his owns, she gave him a purpose when he didn't know what to do and it made him feel good.

The weeks passed and the weather got colder and colder. They weren't used with harsh winters and their prison was somewhere in the mountains, but there was still time until the winter would come, though.

Merlin feared what would come, but he tried to be strong. All those negative feelings he had gathered inside threatened to burst out. He couldn't find peace and he got angry easily, he hardly smiled and when he did it was so fake, his jokes weren't funny anymore. He hated himself for not being able to control his own feeling, but it was so hard. Never before had he felt that darkness stronger than now. If only he had someone to talk to.

* * *

She seemed quiet and calm, but her mind was haunted by insecurities. She spied each move he made, each word he spoke. Her heart bleed every time he called Freya's name and a question grew stronger and stronger in her mind, but she was afraid of what she might find if she were to ask.

No matter how much she tried to ignore it, she felt it. Merlin was different and she couldn't reach him, she didn't know how. He was nice with her, but he spoke less and he was so tense and furious all the time. She wondered if she could help him, but she gave up the idea as soon as it arose in her mind.

He had promised that everything would be all right, but the winter was coming and they were still there. She started to doubt that there was a way out of that place.

She loved when he came to her and talk to her every time she had a nightmare. She kept distance, but she didn't send him away. She noticed that he kept distance too. She couldn't blame him, the last time he had tried to hug her she had stabbed him. He came every single time, though. He was always there and she started to miss him when he was gone. She hated when he had to fight and then the time passed so slowly. She tried to sleep more so as when she woke he would be there. She loved his smile as he said ''The breakfast is ready".

But despite of it, she didn't spoke with him, she couldn't be honest with him, although she wanted it, she needed it, she needed a friend.

She made plans at night, she knew every word she was supposed to say, but as soon she saw him she forgot everything. And that Freya was haunting her dreams, she wanted to know more about her. She hated her because once again someone was more important than her and it hurt.

* * *

"She still hasn't answer to you?'' she asked one day, her voice sarcastic. She wanted to torture him even if she had to bear a horrible pain herself. She had suffered enough because of that Freya and she wanted to prove herself that she cared neither about her, nor about Merlin. She lied herself day after day that those feeling, that fury, that emptiness, that insecurity, fear, sorrow, they were only the result of her very wish that he would never be happy and that she couldn't bear the thought he might be happy with Freya. After all, she was a good actress, she might succeeded to lie herself too if she tried.

As he heard her question, his face hardened, but he checked his posture and his gestures, he didn't want to be too rash, although he knew already the answer.

"Who?'' he enquired calmly, despite the fact that he felt the blood boiling in his veins.

"Freya'' she answered. ''Don't you get bored of calling her name every single night?" she mocked him and she laughed.

"No'' he cut her ''I will never get bored of loving her. But you can't understand that, Morgana.'' That was enough, she wanted him to suffer.

"I don't need anyone's love, Merlin.'' she shouted , then she went on. ''Pity. She doesn't love you, does she?'' she said on a harsh tone. "Where is she, Merlin?'' He didn't answer as her question cut deep into his heart. "You will never be together. She probably doesn't care about you. You don't see that everything you touch dies, Merlin? She was clever to stay away.'' She shouted.

"No, she wasn't.'' he uttered his voice full of sorrow. It was merely a whisper. ''We may never be together, but I don't regret, not even for a second, that I met her.'' he added, then, he carried on with his training while he kept thinking about Freya.

They didn't talk all day and Merlin was absorbed by his thoughts. She wasn't happy either, she had hoped that she would be glad if he suffered, but she wasn't. Although, she refused to admit it, she knew that Freya was so lucky and she couldn't understand why her words had hurt him so badly.

* * *

 **Next time: Morgana has a visitor.**

 **Soon, you will find who the** _ **lady in red**_ **is.**


	19. The other woman

The other woman

One morning she was woken by a woman voice. She was completely alone as Merlin was fighting, well, completely alone except that girl. She wasn't actually there, she was only a reflection in the mirror of the water that had gathered close to her. Morgana thought she had to be a goddess or a nymph. She had dark hair and she seemed quite pretty in that red dress she was wearing. Morgana couldn't hide a laugh as the lady's dress reminded her of a dress she had lost long ago. She scolded herself for thinking of such childish things. The lady spoke first and her voice was so calm and bright.

"Hello, Morgana! I'm glad I finally meet you. I hope we may be friends.'' She smiled so sweet and friendly ''I thought you need someone to talk and… well, I want to help.''

"It's so nice of you, my lady." Morgana answered. "Who are you?" she enquired, but as she saw the lady's expression, she went on "I don't want to be impolite. You knew my name and I thought…''

"No, you're not being impolite, it's just that my name won't help. I'm just an ordinary girl, a girl who was lucky to be loved by a wonderful boy, but it's not about me." She added and even if her words were humble, Morgana could guess that she was more than that. ''You're so pretty.''

"Me? Look at me. My dress is torn, my hair is a mess and my body is only a piece of bleeding flash. You're beauty and young. I used to be like you, I used to wear pretty dresses, but I never felt complete.''

"Do you feel now?" the lady interrupted her

"No, I miss it. Sometimes I wondered if I was wrong. I wanted to be accepted, that was all I wanted. Now, people hate me." She sobbed. She didn't know why, but she trusted that girl.

"Not all of them. There is someone who knows to forgive, who forgave you long ago. Am I wrong?''

"Merlin?'' the girl nodded ''We're not friends." She answered harsh.

"It's time you forgive him too.'' The lady said on a mellow voice.

"I can't. I just can't.''

"If you can't, you will lose him. Forgiveness doesn't show weakness, contrary it defines how strong a person can be. Why would it be so hard to forgive, otherwise? It requires straight and courage to be hurt and despite of that to trust again. It's time to let the past behind and start from scratch.''

"If it were so easy.''

"It is easy if you want.''

"I need time. I can't.''

"You don't have idea how much you can lose while you let the time slip through your fingers. My life hadn't been easy either, but I allowed love to came into my life and it was the best thing that happened to me. I owe him everything.''

"Is he pretty?'' she asked on a girlish flirting voice

''Beauty is not everything, but yes, he is pretty and strong and courageous'' Morgana smiled. She loved that girl and she loved to have someone to talk. ''And he has such beautiful eyes.''

"Like Merlin's?" she muttered her thought, but soon she acknowledged what she had said and she blushed.

"Like Merlin's'' the lady answered.

''You must be really happy.'' Morgana tried to change the topic, but she was still thinking of Merlin's eyes.

"I was, but I knew he deserve more. He was, he still is a good friend, but that's all. One day he will fall in love again and he will learn that what he felt for me was only friendship. ''

"Don't say that.''

"I miss him, but I want him to be happy. He deserves it." There were tears in her eyes. She wiped them and then she spoke again.''Do you want to hear my story?'' Morgana nodded. ''I was an ordinary girl, a druid girl. I was happy in my little village with my family, but one day, one day I killed someone in order to protect myself, his mother was a witch and she cursed me to kill forever. As the midnight came, I was cursed to turn into a monster, I couldn't stop myself."

"That is horrible.'' Morgana couldn't avoid saying.

"It was. I had to leave my village and hide, I left bodies behind and I was taken prisoner in the end. I spent so much time like this, but one night, while I was waiting in my cage as my master was spending the night at an inn, someone arrived and he set me free.

Firstly, I was afraid, he had magic and I was afraid of it, but he was so nice, he took me to a safe place and he spoke kindly to me. I was afraid he wouldn't come the next morning, but he did and he brought me food and he showed me how wonderful magic is. I couldn't tell him about my curse, I didn't want him to be afraid of me. I told him about my village and we talked and smiled and he told me that he loved me. It was so fast. He wanted to run out of that city together, I couldn't convince him not to come. He brought me a dress and food.

The next morning we were supposed to leave, but I couldn't destroy his life, so I decided to leave before. It was already night. I was surrounded by knights and my master tried to seize me, but then I turned. I killed my master and I fought with the knight and one of them hurt me. I tried to fought back but then I saw him, he was watching me. I stopped. He used a spell to help me escape and then he came to me. He wasn't afraid, he didn't hate me, but it was too late. I told him my story and he helped me put that dress on. He took me to the bank of the Avalon Lake, I saw the mountains and the water, he remembered what I had told him about my home. He remembered. I just died in his arms, all I remember was he holding me tight.

It's been almost 10 years since then and it hurt me seeing him like that. He misses me, he still misses me and all I want is he to be happy again, to love again.''

"You want him to be happy with another woman?!"

"I don't belong to this world anymore. I'm still here because I'm the Lady of the Lake and the water from your dungeon comes from the lake. I am a spirit. And yes, I want him to be happy. It hurts me when I hear him calling my name and I can't answer. He missed his best friend. He is strong, stronger than anyone can be, but he needs someone to love him and be there for him. Would you take care of him?''

"I… I wish I could, but I'm prisoner here. If you could…?''

"I'm just a spirit, I can't set you free. I'm sorry, Morgana. But, you will be alright, Merlin will take care of you. I guess it's time to go.''

''I'm sorry for you. " it was all she could say, after a moment she went on "I don't think I can do that, I mean, he must be great, but I can't promise anything. But I will help him, I will try. Where could I find him?"

"Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to do that for me. It's just, he suffered a lot and he deserved to be happy and so do you. I hope you'll be happy." She breathed deep and then she asked on a cheerful tone. "Do you love Merlin?''

"No, how could you think something like that?'' Morgana said, but her blushed face told something different

"I wish you did'' She exclaimed. "You know, your words hurt him. You shouldn't have said what you did. You're everything he had right now. He needs you.''

"I doubt that. "

"Don't"

"May I ask you something?'' the lady nodded. "the gnome…''

"Drystan''

"You know him?'' it was more a statement than a question.

"Yes, he's a little grumpy, but he had a good heart.''

"He said he wanted to help me, but I don't get it. Why didn't he help me escape? Merlin told me he doesn't have magic, but I'm sure he could have helped me get out of here.''

"Things are not always as they seem. You have to look beneath the surface in order to find the essence. Now, it might seem a nightmare, but maybe one day you will understand that it was better that way.''

"The future he had shown me… the one I chose… is it how my future will be? What is going to happen? Do you think that I've chosen wisely?''

"There are so many versions of the future and none can know them all. The future is the result of your choices. None can tell you what is to happen, but what is likely to happen. Do you have second thought about it?''

"I don't know. I want to be loved, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. I couldn't let him die and I hate myself for being so weak. And that Elias… I know that I'm going to love him one day, but it seems strange. I wasn't thinking about him, I wasn't thinking about Elias, but Merlin and… It's strange…' ' she babbled, then she checked her words and added quickly '' Don't listen to me, I'm such an idiot. ''

"It's just a name, Morgana''

"What you mean?''

"Sometimes you have to risk in order to win and that is not called weakness, but courage.''

For a moment it was silence, none of them said a word and then she heard the guards throwing Merlin. _Why they must be so cruel?_ She thought.

He came to her smiling and then as he saw the Lady of the Lake's reflection he stopped surprised. Morgana wanted to present her to him, but the girl smile so sweet when she called his name. Then, Morgana noticed that there were tears in Merlin's eyes. He went close to he, for a moment they just looked at each other, then she broke the silence.

"I have to go" she said

"But" Merlin bubbled.

"I wanted to know her, to see how she is like and… I'm happy, I'm really happy." Tears ran down her cheeks. Merlin wanted to hold her in his arms, but she was only water and mist.

Morgana couldn't understand anything, she was shocked by the lady's words, Morgana couldn't explain herself why that lady wanted to meet her and why she said the she was happy. She remained apart and watched them from her corner.

"You didn't come'' he said trying to hold back his tears. "I can't do that spell, I've tried, but…"

"You'll do it, eventually.'' She said on a calm voice. "I'm not going to come. I don't belong here, but you do. Will you promise me something?"

"Anything''

"Be happy. Remember what I've told you, one day you will find out what love really means. I'm your friend and I will always be. Don't worry, I'm happy there. Finally, I find my purpose. Thanks to you, Merlin.''

"Freya'' he cried. Morgana was shocked. Finally she realized.

"Don't be afraid to admit it. Your heart knows it better, Merlin. Don't fight against it." she said and a playful smile appeared on her face.

"What do you want to say?" he enquired

"That crystal'' she said "it can tell you something if you know to listen."

"So you knew."

"Both yours and hers" as she said that she watched them happy. They looked at each other. "Your dreams. Don't lose faith even if everything seems lost. Only if you believe, you will find the way out.''

Before they could say something she disappeared. They kept looking at each other, none of them knew what to say.


	20. Down the rabbit hole

Down the rabbit hole

She felt hurt again, she wanted to feel sorry for him, but all she felt was hatred. She hated him for loving Freya, for trusting her. She remembered the day she had come scared to Gaius's chambers and he had let her go without being honest with her. She had needed him and she had trusted him. She wondered what had made that girl so special, why there had always been someone more important than her.

She watched Merlin training, he was so sad and lonely, but she didn't care, all she wanted to do was to scream and cry and speak up all she felt, but she couldn't tell him all those, she couldn't explain to him the fury and the disappointment she felt. She felt betrayed all over again.

She had refused the food he had given to her. She could see that he hadn't known why, however, he hadn't eaten it either. In the end, she couldn't hold back that whirlwind of emotions and she burst out crying.

He heard her and he came to her, but she sent him away.

"Morgana, what happened?'' he asked worried

"Leave me alone'' she cried and he could felt hatred and fury in her voice

"What have I done this time? We used to...'' he stopped "well, we… things used to be better" he muttered

"What have you done? What do you think? Don't you see that it's too late? I don't need your kindness and compassion. I've learnt to handle everything alone. Do you think I have no reasons to hate you? I can't… Even if I tried, I would never be able to trust you again. What could I do if every time I hope things would be better I remember your betrayal, if all I can see in your smile is lies, thousands of lies, if your kindness hides betrayal? Things would never be better, Merlin. It's an illusion. You don't trust me, you keep lying to me.''

"What are you talking about?'' he enquired

"You have been acting strange recently. Do you think I haven't noticed? You blamed me for not being honest, but are you, Merlin? Are you honest?'' He didn't know what to answer. "I'm not a fool, Merlin. You're hiding your feeling and you lie to me, you keep telling me that everything will be fine. Will it, Merlin? Do you really have a plan?'' It wasn't what she wanted to say, but she couldn't blame him for loving Freya, could she? She not even knew where her words came from. Did she really felt like that?

"You're right...'' he started

"Don't even think about joking'' she threatened

"I wasn't.'' he breathed deeply before he spoke again. ''What do you want me to tell you? I can't wield a bloody sword, I have to kill in order to survive, I can't use my magic, my friends are dead and I'm going mad. I'm starting to talk to the water because I don't have anyone to talk to. That's what you want to hear?'' he raised his voice "Answer me, Morgana. That's what you want to hear?''

"No'' she babbled shocked by his reaction

"I've tried to protect you, this is the reason why I've lied. But that's what I've done all the time, Morgana, faking smiles and telling everyone that everything would be all right. No one has ever noticed. You keep accusing me that I didn't tell you about my magic, but have you ever listened? You pushed me away every time I tried to tell you that I understood. Yes, I didn't tell you then and I regret it more than anything, I wanted to, I really did, but it wasn't that easy. Have you ever think about it? No, you haven't.

And you're wrong Morgana, I trusted you, I trusted you despite of being warned about you, I didn't want to believe that you are evil, I defied all those who said that you would be the downfall of Camelot, I tried to find the druids myself when they refused to help me, I risked everything, but I had never believed that.

And yes, I told her about my powers even if I hardly knew her, but she was like me and she needed help. It didn't matter how I address to her. When I was with her I didn't feel inferior, I wasn't the poor servant anymore, she was my friend, she was like me. I didn't have to be warned that the king would have my head if I got to close to his beloved ward or that I can't be her friend because _I should stick to girls which are more on my level._ I've loved Freya because she was real.''

He didn't knew where the last part came from, but he didn't care, if she wanted to hear, then she would have to listen. "Do you have idea how I felt when Kilgharrah remind me that he had warned me before or how it feels to know that you have to choose? You're keep talking about betrayal, well, that was what I felt when I found that you had sentenced thousands of people to death just because you wanted to be safe.

Have you ever thought what lay beneath that plan to kill Uther? Have you ever thought what that crystal that you had stolen could have done? Did you really thought that they would kill Uther and that would be all, that there would be rainbows and sunshine? He was the king, Morgana, either loved or hated, thousands of lives depended on him and Arthur. You had to change everything or nothing. Morgause knew that. She would have killed Arthur and everyone who would dare to disobey her. But you already knew that, you did it yourself, after all.

I'm sorry that I couldn't protect all of you, that I couldn't be there for everyone. I'm sorry that I wasn't wise enough to find a plan and save all of you and I'm sorry that I wasn't powerful enough to break the spell myself. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to stop all those feeling.

It's not only you, I carry the blame for so many wrongs, there are so many people I want to apologies and I can't because it's too late... Mordred. I didn't to make the same mistake with him, so I treated him as an enemy, when he was my friend, just because he was destined to bring Arthur's downfall. It was my fault. I could have saved him, I should have trusted him, but I can't change it now. And you asked me why I'm acting like that?!

Sorry for being human, for feeling afraid and lost. Sorry for not being perfect, for being an ordinary boy. I'm sorry that I let my fears to hunt me, that I was too afraid of losing my friends, that I acted like an idiot. I'm sorry.'' He finished, his straight leaving him and tears running down his face.

"All you should have done was to trust me… COMPLETELY **."** She hadn't intended to say what she had, but she was glad that she had. All she wanted was to kneel down and wipe out his tears, tell him that she understood, but she was too proud to do that, instead she left, letting him alone.


	21. Be my friend

Be my friend

Morgana may have not seen what he had meant when he said that he had loved Freya because she was real and all those stupid things he had bubbled, but he did. As he calmed down he acknowledged his mistake and he felt terrible guilty, he had never wanted to suggest that Freya was a replacer for Morgana or something like that, but he had already said that and he didn't know how to apologies to Freya. He couldn't understand why he had said that, his fury had made him say stupid things. He pretended to be asleep, hoping that Morgana would stop spying him and would go to sleep, giving him the opportunity to speak with Freya.

Finally, Morgana fell asleep. He had thought she would stay awake all night and he was happy that he was alone. He babbled some words to Freya, trying to explain it to her. It was rather strange what he did, but he needed it.

"Come on, Merlin.'' He heard a familiar voice. "I've know it for a long time, but it has taken you a lot to figure it out.''

"Freya'' he cried ''You're here''

"I'm your friend, Merlin. Do you remember?'' she smiled so sweet that he didn't know what to say. "You shouldn't feel guilty about it.''

"But, I love you. I don't know what occurred to me.''

''You do love me, but you love me as a friend. That's what friend do, they give you comfort. There is no hierarchy in friendship, no one is superior as none is inferior. We had a good time together and I'm happy that you trusted me to be your friend.''

''But Gwen was also my friend and I've never felt like that about her'' he declared

"Maybe, it was because I came in your life when you needed it the most and you think that it was love, but you had fallen in love with Morgana long before. You were too young to realize it. She was out of you reach, unattainable, while I was there, real, an ordinary person like you, though you had hardly been ordinary, there were no rules, no laws, just the orders your heart gave to you. ''

"Freya.''

"Admit it, Merlin. Do you really think that you would have been happy with me? You're not meant to be ordinary. You have a great destiny while I'm an ordinary girl who dreams about peace and quiet, you needed it too, but you need adventure, passion, soon your heart would have craved for it and I would have been a burden for you. It is not your power that makes you so special, but the way you live your life, the memories you leave behind, the passion that burns inside you. Don't let that flame die. Promise me, Merlin.''

"I promise.''

"It fascinates me, but I'm too afraid of getting burn to take those risks. You see what I mean, don't you?'' he nodded. ''It's better like that.''

"But I need you. You understand me, you know me better than anyone, please, I need your help.'' he begged her.

"If you want a word of advice from a friend, then I suggest you to give more credit to Morgana. You can talk with her. Don't make the same mistakes, trust her completely.''

"I wish I could.''

"You never know, before you try.''

"Thank you, Freya.''

"By the way, I met Lancelot. He's really handsome.'' She laughed ''Don't looked at me like that.'' She said, her tone serious, but in the end they burst into laughter.

"He's such a good friend and he deserved someone, maybe someone like you. Where did you meet him?''

"Someone like me or me ?''

"Fine. You. So?''

''He's a spirit of Avalon, his sacrifice has been rewarded.''

"I miss him. I miss all of them.'' He uttered then he asked on a joyful tone ''And?''

"Nothing. We talked… about you.''

"Honestly, Freya? You met him and you talk about me?''

"At first, yes. What? I needed a topic.''

"I'm honored to be a topic.'' He said mocking the most serious look he could have. She laughed and soon he joined her.

"Do you want to hear?''

"No... Of course, I do. '' he cried "What do you think about him? What does he...''

''Slow down, Merlin. I don't know. He makes me laugh and…''

"So I've been overthrown by my best friend, Sir Lancelot.''

"Well, you're still my friend.''

"Don't worry my sword skills are so…you know, I'm clumsy and… I couldn't dare to challenge him in order to regain my title.'' He joked.

"Contrary, I thought you're pretty good, but it is not me you should prove it. You can challenge him with your jocks. Don't worry I will tell him pretty soon.''

"If you say so. How is he?''

"So, you're not upset?''

"Neap.''

"He's fine, he found peace and, well, he's Lancelot. I guess you know him better than me.''

He hadn't had such a good time for so long and he was really happy. He had expected it to hurt him, he had never thought about Freya loving someone else but him, though he wanted them to be happy and it felt fine. It was actually joy what he experienced.

 _Maybe she was right_ he told himself, _maybe, it's only friendship. But it still hurt to know that she is gone._

He wanted to last forever, he missed fun so much, but he heard Morgana scream.

''She must have a nightmare'' he said ''I must go to see…''

"Don't worry, Merlin. I understand. She really needs you. I guess it is time to go, you need some sleep and… Go to her, Merlin.''

''Promise me you will come again.''

"When you need me, you would be able to find me.''

"Good bye, Freya''

Goodbye, Merlin.

* * *

Morgana tried to fall asleep, but she couldn't, Merlin's words still echoed in her mind. She didn't know what she should do. She wanted to forgive him, she needed him and she didn't want to lose him, but she couldn't allow herself to admit it. She was afraid, she had got used not trusting anyone and it wasn't easy to learn to trust all over again and she didn't want to be hurt once more. However, it hurt her anyway.

She heard Merlin speaking with Freya yet she couldn't understand what they were saying. She heard them laughing and joking and her heart was bleeding. She wasn't jealous, she couldn't be, she kept telling that to herself, but tears were rolling down her cheeks, despite her huge efforts to hold them back and she couldn't explain herself why she was crying.

It started to become insupportable for her, she was furious and hurt and she wanted them to stop, she wanted Freya to go. Finally, an idea ran through her mind. She was a good actress after all. She started desperately to scream , pretending that she had a nightmare. Merlin came as soon he could, but for Morgana, it seemed an eternity.

 _Why did it take him so long?_ She enquired herself. _I will have my revenge, Merlin. I promise. I will make you fall in love with me, you will beg for my love. And then I will make you suffer._


	22. By the moonlight

By the moonlight

That night was strange. She had had lots of nightmares since the day she had been brought there, but none seemed to be a vision of the future. Actually, it was too difficult for her to acknowledge what they were, yet she knew for certain that the dream she had that night might be one.

She had fallen asleep pretty late that night as she tried her best to prevent Merlin from going back to his previous conversation. She didn't say much, yet she did what she had to, she pretended that she was asleep only to wake up screaming every time he decided to go.

Under normal circumstances, she would have scolded herself for displaying her feelings in front of Merlin, for being so weak and vulnerable yet it sounded more attractive than its contrary, which was listening to Merlin and Freya's cheerful conversation.

She fell asleep while plotting her revenge against Merlin and then it was when she had the dream.

* * *

She was standing in front of the window, staring outside, carrying a letter in her hand. Elias had written and had asked her to go home. She was not going to do that.

''Promise me, you're going to listen to him.'' A woman demanded her. Her voice was kind, but at the same time she could sense that it was a bit harsh. She was an old lady, her hair almost grey, her feature hardened by the age, but, despite her harsh tone, she was a dear figure to Morgana.

"I'm not going to go anywhere. I haven't seen him all week and all I got is this letter.'' She uttered furiously, squashing the piece of paper in her hand. "He knew better than anyone than I don't want to go. He can't command me what to do.''

"He just can't leave the battlefield and rush to you. You know that he wanted it more than anyone, but it's his duty to fight and keep his people safe, he can't leave them.''

"Duty. I'm sick of this word. Every single time, anything else is more important than me. ..And he writes me " _Once in your life, do as I ask you"._ He doesn't have that right.''

''Nothing is more important than you. You don't see that he tries to protect you! He wants you far away from this stupid war. Elias loves you so much, but what good to run? Do you want a coward for a husband? Does the news of him being promoted not make you feel proud? You can't be so selfish, my dear. You need to try to understand him. If he didn't come, it was because he wasn't able to do it. Those people depend on him. Don't you see that?!''

"It's just… You're right, but sometimes I can't… I hate every single thing that prevented him from being with me, I wish he had never had to go. And this war… What if he never comes back?… what if?… ''

''He will come back. Never think otherwise.''

"I don't want to let him alone. It feels like I'm abandoning him. It must be so horrible and I wish I could do something for him.''

"Then, go. He has a lot of things to be worried about, don't make it more difficult. How would he be able to protect himself if he had to keep you safe and sound? He needs you here, but he loves you too much to be that selfish. Go home.''

"You don't understand. He would try to save anyone, but himself. He has always been willing to sacrifice himself for others, but I can't live without him, I can't…I simply can't do it…. He promised he would never leave me alone, it was supposed we would fight it together, we were supposed to build a home and live there happily ever after. Tell him…tell him that I will wait for him to come HOME.''

* * *

She was happy to know that one day she would find someone to love her, someone she would love and respect so much. She knew nothing about him, yet it seemed like she knew him for an entire life. She couldn't stop herself thinking about Merlin,though, despite her effort to concentrate on the vision. It was like, the dream itself reminded her of Merlin and she couldn't allow it. Maybe it was just because he had hurt her making her believe that there would always be something more important than her. But it would be over. One day she would meet Elias and she would love him and Elias would love her back and then she wouldn't care about Merlin.

She had already made a plan. She knew she was still beautiful, she had gained the hearts of so many men, and she would gain Merlin's heart too. She would tidy up, she would wash herself, would clean her dress, she would arrange her hair and she would be seducing. But she would be cold, cold like ice, she would make him beg her smiles, he would beg for a word from her and she wouldn't care then.

* * *

What she didn't know was that she wasn't the only one who got to know what was going to be one day.

Merlin had been worried about her. It was usual for her to have nightmares, but it had been too much for a single night. He had seen a spell that made someone able to enter to somebody's dreams somewhere in a spell book, he didn't remembered where and when, but he still knew that spell. It required mind concentration rather than power and he thought it would be good practice, at least he hoped it would be easier than astral projection.

It took him a lot of time and concentration. It was more difficult and more painful that he had imagined, but the time spent there had taught him a lot about endurance and patience. He had to try and he had to succeed, he was not going to abandon until he learnt to master that spell.

Finally, he managed to get in her mind, he saw everything, she heard the entire conversation, but he was merely an outsider, he couldn't interfere, he couldn't be seen and neither could he say a thing.

He wished he knew what kind of person that Elias would be and if he were to love her indeed. He wished she would be happy, but he couldn't stop a pang of sadness as he realized that another person would do what he had failed so horribly.

He had learnt something valuable, though, he knew which was his worst mistake and a lot of things seemed to get clear in that very moment. She was important, she had always been important for him, but he had never told her.

Sometimes you realize too late how many things you should have told, but you never have and you will never get the chance to speak them up.

* * *

 **I want to dedicate this story to a former classmate. He was a lot like Arthur from the BBC'S Merlin series (if I were to compare him with a character)**

 **Last time, I saw him while we were in highschool, the last year I think. He passed by me, I said hello. He was with another boy and they burst into laughter. I've never known why. He just passed by- an arrogant, tall, blonde, green-eyed figure. I was furious and I swore that I would never speak to him again. I've never thought that** _ **never**_ **really means** _ **never.**_ **Now I will never get that chance again.**

 **Yet I have thousands of happy memories of how much he used to like me and I used to be so arrogant (we were both just kids), of how much of a troublemaker he used to be, of how he got punished because he had tried to help me.**

 **I don't know why I'm writing it, probably, because I want to do something in his memory.**

 **Thank you all for your reviews!**

 **You're right Meri Ley, revenge never brings something good, but this is going to be fun (well, I guess Morgana would have a different opinion). Where will it bring her? Literally, in Merlin's arms. How? Keep reading if you want to find out.**

 **Jaspercabeth83, I'm aware that I've made mistakes, but I hope that they are not so bad. The purpose of this fanfiction story was to improve my writing skills (during highschool I used to write more, but since I graduated it and until some months ago, I hardly wrote a thing. I usually had to translate texts from English into my mother tongue or to learn complicate terms while I literally forgot to write simple words like table. Since February I've started to translate more in English and it's horrible.) At that moment, I couldn't have imagined that I would get reviews, followers and that over a hundred people would really read my story.**

 **I looked up in a dictionary for some of the words I used.. I hope they don't seem awkward in the context.**


	23. Once upon a December

**Once Upon a December**

''What do you think?''

Merlin lifted his head sleepily, glanced at the figure standing in front of the wardrobe, drew the blanket over his head, and buried his face in the pillow as if nothing had happened.

The figure kept staring inside the wardrobe, the doors wide open.

"Should I wear a dress?''

"No''

"But..''

"NO"

"Merlin!'' she cried annoyed. The sleepy warlock kept his head hidden under the blanket. She walked over to him and tried to pull the blanket off of his body.

"Morgana!'' He sank his head deeper in the pillow and tried to ignored her attempt to steal his blanket, but he chanted a spell in case another great idea popped into the sorceress' mind.

''Abby will wear a dress.'' She pointed out

"You won't."

"Merlin…''

"No, no and no. Well... NO!"

Suddenly, Morgana gave up trying to wake him up, jumped down of bed, pick a dress, turned the music as loud as possible and she get out of the room. Yet she came back few minutes later, a victorious smirk on her face. The High Priestess was wearing a lovely white dress, it stopped at her knees. It was adorned with embroidered flowers. The dress fit her perfectly.

The witch started to dance around the room in accordance with the music, doing pirouettes and exhibiting her dress.

 _''Far away, long ago_

 _Things I yearn to remember_

 _And a song someone sings_

 _Once upon a December"_

Merlin was carried away by the song. The warlock's mind was indeed far away, somewhere in the huge ball room of Camelot, long ago, when he had been just a stupid boy and she was the beautiful Lady of Camelot, long ago, to the night he had seen her in that stunning red ball gown, crossing the room, stealing the admiration of every single man, mesmerizing him. Soon he was brought back to reality by her words.

"Merlin, when do I ever listen to you?'' The High Priestess couldn't help teasing Emrys, after all, she was Morgana Pendragon, wasn't she?

"Never, I guess.'' Merlin tried to looked serious, but soon a broad smile appeared on his face. '' You look like a pixy.''

"I know…''

"Hey!?'' he cried as he noticed she was ready to leave.

"You've been mean. You don't got anything….by the way, why aren't you asleep?''

''If only you had let me sleep''

"Bye, then!''

"Wait. You have something on your face.''

''Where?'' Morgana asked, she started to rub her face.

"Not there. A little lower….Lower. Up. Upper. To the right. Not so much. Nooo... Come here, little pixy.''

She rushed to him and she lower her face so he could wipe out whatever was on her face. Instead the warlock caught the witch, gripped her tight like in a noose, pulled her closer so he could reach her lips and kissed her passionately. No matter how hard Morgana struggled to escape, there was no way to get out of his embrace before he set her free. She ran away as soon she could, yet a smile had appeared on Merlin's face as he said

"I always win, Morgana.''

However, the High Priestess couldn't lose. Her eyes shone golden for a moment and before he realized it, the mighty Emrys was on the floor.

Laughing she walked out of the room, while the warlock creeped back to his bed.

As the music stopped, he sank his head in the pillow again, at least he would have if it hadn't turned into stone. Shocked, Merlin opened his eyes only to find that he was still in that horrible prison.

Morgana watched him amazed. He checked his features lest she should read his mind.

Did I speak in my sleep? Did I say something? No, she couldn't have restrained from laughing if she knew.

For almost a week, Merlin kept dreaming of Morgana, night after night, strange dreams of a world so different from the one he knew and she was always there, inside his mind, but the Morgana of his dreams was happy and mischievous and she loved him, while the real one was so bitter and hurt. The warlock would give anything for her to smile, but it was only a dream.

He didn't know neither when nor how it had happened, but somehow he had allowed her to get under his skin, and now the mighty Emrys couldn't live without her anymore.


	24. The curse

_"Man is a God chained by the burden of conditions"_

 **United we stand, divided we fall**

The curse

It was silent now. Morgana was sleeping peacefully. ' _Probably, dreaming of Elias_.' He thought.

Merlin remembered that night when she woke up crying. She had never been so insistent, she hadn't begged him to stay, she had hardly said a word, but her tears and the desperation he could read on her face when he had decided to go, had been enough proof. And he had stayed, but he knew that one day she wouldn't need him anymore.

"Merlin. Merlin.'' He heard a voice in his head. "Come, someone needs to see you.'' The voice spoke. It was Freya.

"Where?'' he asked sleepy.

"Let your mind wander. Concentrate.''

His world disappeared and the warlock found himself in a cave, a cave he recognized as soon as he saw it.

"Kilgharrah'' he called "Are you still here?''

"I am, young warlock, but my life is close to its end. Aithusa had brought me peace, but now I will have to leave her alone. I lived more than a thousand years, though I couldn't know everything. There is a last word of advice I wish to share with you.''

"If you're going to scold me for helping Morgana, then you should know that I'm not going to listen.'' Kilgharrah started to laugh, but he was too old for it and it exhausted him.

"I've always told you that she is the darkness to your light, the hatred to your love, but I never thought it may be the other way round.''

"What you mean?''

"You're the light to her darkness.'' he stopped for a while then he went on "More than that, she's the light to your own darkness. You're the best or the worse for each other.''

"There was a chance to save her, wasn't it?''

"I've tried to protect you. But that is not the reason I've called you.''

"You knew.''

"Merlin'' the dragon shouted.

"I want to know why.''

"I've told you, I wanted to protect you.''

"No, you wanted to take revenge on me for not setting you free earlier.'' Merlin cried furious. "Kilgharrah, please, tell me the truth.''

''It doesn't matter anymore.''

"It does for me.''

"I was afraid you were to fall in love with her and I didn't want it to happen. You couldn't let your feeling get in your way.''

"You're wrong. My feeling never got in the way. They have made me stronger, Kilgharrah.''

''Would they if she had chosen to follow the same path despite your effort? What would you have done then? It would have destroyed you.''

"It destroyed me when I poisoned her. What could have been worse?''

''What would have happened if the king found out about your feelings?''

"He would have never found it. No one would have.''

"What if she had loved another man?''

"I would have been happy for her. I missed her smile more than everything, if he had made her smile, then I would have been happy. I know she is destined to fall in love with another man, Elias. I saw a vision of the future in the water. I hope he will make her happy.'' His friend said sincerely, although, the dragon could sense a dose of sorrow in his voice, too.

"She will be happy.'' The dragon uttered mysteriously as he knew something that was unknown to the warlock. Then he went on ''What I had overlooked all this time was that she may have fallen in love with you.''

"Was it so hard to believe it?''

"From the first day I met you, I knew there was something special about you, but it was only when you commanded me the first time that I really understand what it was. You showed mercy, even if I didn't deserve it, you proved to me what you have said before, your emotions have made you stronger.

From that day on, I knew that the impossible would have been possible, your love would have saved her and maybe Camelot as well, but I thought it was too late and that it would be better for you never to find it. It was my deepest secret. I've chosen the easiest way for you, but I was wrong.''

"You didn't have that right.'' The Dragon Lord shouted. ''Kilgharrah, please, I am going to do something that I despise, but I need to know.'' His voice got lower as he said that, the dragon watched him amazed. "I command you to tell me the truth. Did you really tried to protect me or you did it in order to take revenge on me, on Camelot?

When you destroyed the citadel you proved me how much you care about me and about Camelot, so forgive me, but it's too hard for me to believe it. Tell me, old friend, was I a friend or a mean to get everything you wanted? I hate to do it, but I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Merlin.'' The dragon cried. "What have you done?'' The warlock's face was impenetrable.

''Fine. Yes, at the beginning, you were a mean to help me to get out of it, but as I knew you better, I've realized how wrong I was. However, what I told you was truth, she was…is the darkness to your light. Yes, Merlin, you could have save her and I didn't tell you that in order to make you suffer. Yes, it was revenge. Then, I chose to hide it from you because I was afraid of what might come of Camelot if you fell in love.

I know it is hard to believe, but the night you spared my life I realized that I almost destroyed any chance of a better future because of my hatred. I dreamed of that world, too, Merlin, and I wasn't willing to take risks. All those years that I spent chained had hardened me and that is why I've never been completely honest. She was that risk, Merlin. I couldn't let your feelings get in the way, I couldn't let your love for her destroy everything. Your duty was to Arthur and to him alone.

I couldn't allow anyone to interfere, you couldn't let yourself distracted. But, I've never known how much you suffered and even if I did, I couldn't have changed anything, Albion was more important than your own happiness."

"Albion? Look around. Where is that Albion? I lost everything. Magic is forbidden. I sacrificed my happiness for nothing.''

"Young warlock, I wish it were something I could say. Yet, Albion is not lost, but you need patience. The time of United Kingdom will come one day. It's only the beginning.''

"How you know that I couldn't have achieved all those with her on my side...on Arthur's side. Loving her would have never stopped me from taking care of Arthur. Do you think that you prevented me from falling in love with her?... You're wrong. No matter what she did I...I could never hate her, Kilgharrah. I loved her, but I had to fight her in order to save Camelot, I had to live with that horrible feeling of guilt. I love her, but it doesn't matter because she will never forgive me."

"She wouldn't have made it that easy, Merlin. She would have never understood. Do you think that she would have accepted to live in Arthur's shadow? Do you think that she would have accepted that someone was more important than her?"

"But, it's not true. I've never cared less for her than for Arthur or for Gwen or for the knight, but she didn't give me a choice. I couldn't let all those people die.''

"She would have never understood. She wants all or nothing. Yet, she might be the One. You would achieve a lot of things together, but it won't be easy. Once again your feelings might be your undoing or your salvation. Your feelings caused a new future to unfold, but be careful as she might be a threat once again.

The battle of Camlann is not over. Choose wise, Merlin. Sacrifices will be required and feelings will be tested. Remember what I've told you: trust is a double edged sword. I've always admired your courage to take risks, but do not forget that thousands of lives depend on you. The future will turn in the past and the past will be future.''

"You said she might. I'm not going to abandon her this time. There must be a reason, if she's going to become evil again. I'm not going to make the same mistakes. If we are going to come back in the past, I will be ready, this time.'' The magic being stated, but he was shocked by that revelation and he wasn't so sure that he would be able to save all his friends this time, it was worth trying, though. "I wish nothing, but a second chance.'' The dragon hardened his features in a be careful what you ask for expression.

"Mordred's sword was forged for revenge.''

"I will hide it...'' Merlin cut in

"Stay far away from it. That sword is dangerous. There's a dark spell on it, enhanced by the purpose it was meant for. I don't have the power to know more, there are many things hidden to me, too. Use what I've told you for good, the future is not something to play with.''

"Thank you, Kilgharrah. I swear that I will never allow someone to use it again. And… thank you for being honest.''

"So, you forgive me, don't you?''

"I'm tired Kilgharrah. I don't know what I feel or if I'm still able to feel something. Do you know what is worse?... That it was me who did it. That my own choices brought me here…. I can't blame you for that. I can't blame anyone for what I did and I can't change it. Go in peace, old friend.''

"Wait. You said something about the vision Morgana had. I've seen it too and I know him. Do you want to know who Elias is?''

"No. As long as she would be happy, it doesn't matter.''

"A wise choice, Young warlock. One last question, Merlin. Have you really forgiven her?''

"There's no excuse for what she did, but even though Morgana doesn't deserve to be alone. I still believe there is good in her heart, but it is buried deep beneath layers of hatred and pain.''

"You pity her.''

"It could be me in her place.''

"None can escape his own shadow.''

"You're right, but is it worth it to worry about mistakes that can't be fixed? What is done, can't be undone, isn't it?''

"Indeed. Yet she brought it upon herself.''

"I'm not the one to judge her and neither are you….'' there was a moment a silence, then the Dragon Lord added "I think we both have lost enough. There's no need to lose more.''

"Good luck, Young Warlock. May our paths cross again one day. So, it's not goodbye.''

"See you, then.''

The warlock was ready to go, he closed his eyes and tried to find his body, but as he left that place his mind involuntarily wandered to the crystal cave. He remained there only for some seconds, but it was enough to look into the crystals.

He saw Morgana. She looked so lovely and her eyes sparkled with happiness, while she was whirling joyfully in the summer's light. Then, the image changed and surrounded by thorn hedges and buried so deep in the ground there was Mordred's sword, the only reminder of the cruel past.

He saw blood dripping down its blade, painting the ground, Morgana wielding that sword, Camelot in flames, Mordred and Morgana talking, the valley of Camlann, fire, destruction, the High Priestess' eyes full of hatred and her face darkened by her evil smirk.

* * *

The last Dragon Lord finally woke up in his dungeon, sweated and scared. His body was trembling uncontrollably while tears were rolling down his cheeks.

" _What should I do?_ '' the mighty Emrys wondered.

* * *

 **It's been a while since I published last time, but I've been and I'm very busy right now. Yet I've just taken a break now and then and I've managed to finish it. The truth is I wrote this chapter a few month ago, but I wasn't happy with it and I had to rewrite it several times.**

 **If you have time, let me know what you think about it. I hope it is worth the effort.**

 **By the way, I haven't forgotten about Helen. Have you?**


	25. Could it be like old times

**Could it be like old times?**

For the next few days the High Priestess tried not to talk to him, she refused the food and tried to ignore him, but she felt his absence while he was fighting. The mesmerizing queen still couldn't find the perfect way to seduce him without being too obvious. Merlin wasn't like any other man, she knew that for sure, but she wasn't an ordinary woman either.

The warlock tried to get close to her, but his efforts were fruitless. He didn't want to feel guilty for his outburst and yet he did, despite the fact it had occurred over a week ago. It wasn't usual for him to go like that, but he focused his frustration on his training. There were moments when those visions haunted him, but he sent them away as soon as they appeared in his mind. The future was not set in the stone after all, it was something that life had taught him.

Finally, the clumsy novice managed to disarm his adversary without killing him. Bolin wasn't happy with this improvement of his skills, he noticed, but Helen, he had finally learned her name, complimented him. She seemed like an enchanting girl and he couldn't understand why someone like her would spend her time in such inappropriate company. Bolin had been really furious when he'd seen her speaking to him. _Probably would forbid her to come next time._ _It's better that way. It is not a place for a lady._

One night, while Merlin lay wrapped in thoughts, he heard Morgana's steps coming close to him. Pretending to be asleep, he kept his eyes closed, curious what she was going to do. She did nothing. She simply stopped, uncertain. He couldn't see her, but he could guess that something was troubling her. Finally, she spoke.

"Merlin" she cried. Her voice was so feeble. Merlin watched her surprised. He knew her better enough to realize that she had to have been really desperate, if she had decided to come to him.

''Come here, Morgana.'' She wasn't sure if she should listen to him, but she felt that she couldn't stand up anymore and dizziness overwhelmed her. He reached to her in time to catch her as she passed out. The warlock held her in his arms and took her to his bed. Morgana was wet and frozen and he couldn't stop wondering what had happened. Soon she wake up, but she was still weak. "Stay here. You tremble'' he noticed ''Do you want my coat? It is torn and dusty, but it's warm. Are you alright?'' he took off his coat and put it on her shoulders ''That's better'' he said smiling. "You're wet, your dress, your hair. What happened?''

''My feet are frozen and I'm hungry'' she murmured. Merlin saw that her shoes were torn and also wet.

"Sit here. It's dry. They are wet, take them off."

His bed- if one could call it like that- was dry and cleaner than hers. He had gathered sticks and woods, which were plenty there, in order to protect his body from the cold stone floor. It wasn't comfortable, but at least it was warm and it was safe from the water that invaded the dungeon.

The magic being covered her with his coat and helped her remove her shoes. Her socks were even worse, it was no wonder her feet were frozen. He removed them too and massaged her feet to make the blood run faster. Morgana didn't know what to do. She watched him amazed, allowing him to take care of her. She heard him talking, but couldn't get the meaning of the words as the broken angel was distracted by how careful he was. She let him wrap her feet with his neckerchief, it was warm and smooth.

It was strange, but it didn't bother him. He had loved being a servant for Arthur and he loved to do the same for her, though this time it was different. Others hopes and feelings drove him that time. The great Emrys could be humble and he was proud of what he had done. As long as he could help her nothing could make him feel ashamed. As he finished with her he did something so strange, he called the guard.

"What do you want?'' a soldier shouted at him

"Can you carry a tray full with food on your head and walk at the same time?'' he asked. It was the stupidest and childish idea that he could have come across, but as he didn't have another so it was worth trying.

"Are you mocking me?'' he said on a grumpy voice

"Well, she bet that you can't'' he said

"If I can what could you offer?'' another solder interfered

"I don't think you can"

"I do'' they answered. Merlin couldn't believe his luck. All those years he had spent in Camelot he had learnt some things about soldiers, but he had never thought that Bolin's solders were as idiotic and arrogant as those from Camelot.

Obviously, they couldn't and the trays fell on the dungeon's floor, but what they didn't notice was that the plates had disappeared. The sorcerer was shocked that he was still able to do it. His wrists ached horribly, but it didn't matter.

"I was sure'' he said

"Let's see if you can'' the soldiers answered furiously

"I don't think you have any more food. If you do, I'm ready.'' They looked at each other. ''You have only two trays.''

"Why?'' the soldiers watched him, confusion on their faces.

"There are only two trays'' he repeated "one for each of you. You need another one for me." He said all this as it was something so obvious that only a knucklehead couldn't get the meaning. The soldiers looked at each other and then they nodded. "I can try tomorrow'' Merlin added.

"Farewell. But you better be able to do it.'' they threatened and they let them alone.

"How could someone be so stupid and arrogant?'' he asked after they had gone. She watched him surprised ''They left the food here.'' he said and he took one of them and gave it to Morgana. The food was almost intact.

"How…'' the sorceress questioned.

* * *

 **Thanks to all who reviwed, followed or favorited this story.**

 **Meri Ley: I don't like to make them suffer, but some things must be learn in the hard way. Both of them have some issues with trust and although I can't blame them, I know trust is the first thing they have to learn. Yet, I fear it will difficult for them to let go of the past and learn to trust each other. Much of their pain will be caused by their vanity and by their mistrust. Until they are ready to accept each other as they are, with goods and bads, until they are ready to take life as it is and try to make it better, there won't be any way out of this darkness.**


	26. Sweet dreams

**Sweet dreams**

"My magic is instinctual, so despite these cuffs I can still do some tricks. I've tried before, but it was useless until now. I just did it. It simply happened. It's too weak to get us out of here, but it's enough to levitate things and slow down time'' Morgana couldn't believe it. It was brilliant.

"You're sure you can't…''

"I need incantations to break these chains, they require energy from the Earth itself and that's how these chains work. They prevent your inside energy from connecting with the energy from the Earth. When you try to do it the pain is impossible to bear. It took me a while until I learnt to use that tiny fraction of power. Maybe, in time…''

"Does it hurt?''

''Honestly, yes, it hurts, but I can endure it.'' Then he got an idea. ''Maybe I can warm your feet. May I?''

"Sure…''

The warlock tried to summon a warm wind, but he couldn't hold it too long, yet the smile on Morgana's face told him that she felt it

"I'm sorry'' the sorcerer muttered.

"It's fine. Can I stay here?'' she enquired ''It's wet and cold there and…'' she went on.

"Of course. Keep the coat,'' he said when she wanted to give it back, ''and the neckerchief. I don't need them.''

Everything seemed perfect. The two magic beings were happy and for the first time in years the former lady of Camelot was laughing.

Then her laughter faded. She remembered that they were not friends and they would never be and her features hardened, her eyes darkened. The broken angel felt she was about to cry, but she didn't want him to see her so vulnerable. She finished the supper quietly ignoring his attempts to gain a smile from her and then she drew a line between her bed and the place where Merlin was supposed to sleep, warning him to keep distance. Actually, they were pretty close, but there was a line between then and she couldn't send him away, could she? After all she was sleeping in his bed.

* * *

Morgana fell asleep pretty easy, but she kept turning and tossing until she reached the security and warmth of his arms….

Merlin lay on his back and tried to fall asleep. He heard her breath and saw she was sleeping. Trying to ignore her, the warlock closed his eyes. He heard her tossing and rolling until she stopped in his arms. He watched her flabbergasted, she was asleep. His shirt was so torn that Merlin could felt her skin on his chest, he felt her breath on his neck and his heart was pounding so fast. She was so close to him, she was in his arms…

Time and again, Merlin had let her see things he had tried to keep hidden. He had been hiding his true self so well for so long, all that loneliness and sorrow. His loneliness had always had its way with him, the warlock had got used to it, they had nearly become friends and suddenly he discovered a soul as lonely as his own.

She huddled against his chest like a playful kitty and he didn't know what to do. For a moment he considered taking her back, but the closeness of another being filled the hollow he had felt inside. For the moment, the evil angel was asleep, she was peaceful; in the morning she would be all fury and hatred. Merlin didn't want to think about the next day, though.

He was so clumsy. His hands fluttered on his sides as the magic being couldn't make up his mind and cover her into a hug. He laid his hand on her hair; it was so tangled and rough. Merlin had always imagined her hair to be silky; he almost expected to discover that lovely perfume of roses that was once used to scent Morgana's hair.

Carefully the warlock covered her back with his coat and let his hand rest on the witch's back. He felt her bosom rising and falling and his heart was throbbing like a little bird in a cage.

Merlin didn't sleep, afraid that he might awake her. The sleepy beauty seemed so innocent and so sweet and he couldn't stop watching her. He thought about his encounter with Kilgharrah and suddenly he realized that he didn't know what to believe. He remembered what Freya had told him about the gauner and a thought popped in his mind.

 _What if it was my imagination? What if all those images were actually my fears?_

Fear… How much had he lost because of it...

It was late and the warlock was still awake. It had been a while since he didn't think about his childhood. For most people it is a time of joy and innocence, for him it had been a nightmare. If it hadn't been for his mother and Will, he wouldn't have known what it meant to smile and be happy.

At first, it was wonderful. His magic had been fresh and warm, like the morning sun, but from the moment he acknowledged the darkness and evil in the world, from the moment he learnt how fear felt, it turned into a tornado. The more he had tried to hold it back, the more dangerous it had become.

Fear…

Morgana stretched her body and cuddled deeply into his arms. That made the warlock laugh. How much he wanted it to last. He wanted to hold her so tight and never let her go… In that moment the warlock swore he would never let his fears stay in his way. This time he was going to trust her even if she were to become his undoing.

* * *

 **Do you remember I told you some time ago Morgana's urge for revenge was going to drive her in Merlin's arms? I wasn't joking. Now you must be wondering what her feeling weak and sick has to do with her revenge. Could you guess?**

 **You will find more about Helen, too, but you have to wait a little.**

 **Thanks for reading and acceptting my challenge.**

 **See you.**


	27. Under control

Under control

Morgana didn't sleep peacefully at all that night. Before the dawn, the lonely angel started to toss, visibly scared and lost. Merlin knew she was having a nightmare again and he was ready to wake her up when an idea popped into his mind.

He decided to try that spell again, hoping he would be able to help her this time. The warlock hoped that it was an ordinary dream, not a vision of the future, he hated those visions.

He concentrated for a while and forgetting about everything else. It was painful, but Merlin was determined not to give up. Soon, the magical creature forgot about the pain and found himself in a dark forest. He could see Morgana a few steps forward, looking desperately for something. He could hear her sobbing and soon he figured out that she was lost.

"What happened?'' the warlock asked her while grabbing her hand.

"Merlin." She called. "What are you doing here?''

"May I ask you the same thing?'' and he put on a smile, hoping to make her feel better. The warlock didn't know what she felt for him, but she seemed happy to see him. He thought that she was dreaming about something that happened before the poison episode and he was glad to have her back even for just some moments.

"I'm lost. I don't know how to go home.'' She sobbed

"Where's your home?'' he asked as he wasn't sure if she was referring to Camelot.

"I don't know.'' The fallen queen answered as she realized that she didn't have where to go. "I don't have one. I don't remember how it feels to have a home.''

"Then, it doesn't matter where you go.'' He stated, then he added ''Come with me.'', but he soon realized that he didn't a home either.

"Where? Camelot? Eldore? Where do you live?''

"None of them.'' Merlin answered simple ''I don't belong to Camelot anymore and Eldore… Eldore is too small for me. I left it in order to find my destiny, but I was such a young boy then.''

"And you found it?''

"I thought so for a long time, but right now I don't know. It doesn't matter, though. Let's go somewhere else, far away, where someone will need us, where our gifts will be appreciated, where we could find a purpose.''

"It sound wonderful. Where is that?''

"HOME. Together we will build that place. You will love it. Come…Just come'' The magical being shouted and he started to whirl with his arms spread in order to hold the infinity. He grabbed her hand and they whirled together laughing and screaming.

Then, her smile faded away and she let go of his hand.

"What's happened?'' he enquired as she turned her back to him. "Morgana, please.'' he begged her while he blocked her way. "Please, look at me'' she lifted her head. Her face was wet with her tear. "You're crying. Morgana, what's happened? Have I said something wrong?''

"It can't never be. I will ruin everything. I know, I will. That's what I do.'' the enchantress stated with pain in her voice

"Don't say that."

"This head'' the former lady said trying to force a smile, but she couldn't hold back her tears as she was watching his face "the crown of the world will fit perfectly there''

"But, I don't want it. It's too heavy for me. I don't think I could bear such a burden. Do you want it?''

"You're wrong, Merlin. You could achieve more than you think...You're destiny is far much greater than you have ever dreamed...far much greater'' she uttered the last words with a sort of regret

"What do you know about my destiny? Do you had one of those visions? You know, future is not set in the stone''

"Maybe, it's not, but this is not about visions and prophecies. This destiny is written in your blood, in every move you take, in every breath you release. Merlin you're not a servant. You may look like one, but… it must be something more. They believe in you and..''

"Morgana it's over. My destiny, that prophecy about Emerys … they were wrong. I failed them, Morgana. Magic will never return to this land.''

"No, it's the beginning. You can't give up, Merlin.'' her eyes were piercing him, yet Merlin found the strength to talk

"Help me to built that land of peace and beauty'' he pleaded "I can't do it alone. Please, Morgana, I need your help.''

"I can't.'' her answer shocked him

"Morgana, you're all I have.''

"I can't be what they expected me to be, what you expect me to be. I don't want to spend my life fearing that one day I might disappoint someone, that I might make a mistake. I can't spend all my life waiting for a man who might never come back, begging for a little affection, living in the shadow of your destiny. That's not me, Merlin. Such a destiny requires sacrifices that I fear I'm not able to complete.''

"You don't need to sacrifice anything. I will never leave you alone, again. I know that I hurt you last time and I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness, yet I dare to hope that one day I might be able to receive it, to gain your trust once more. Please, believe me, now it will be different. I promise.''

"You don't understand. As high priestess life was so easy. I never feared anything, I never doubted any decision I took, because I had nothing to lose. People hated me, feared me, they thought I was a monster. It was so easy, but I let you enter in my life and you taught me how fear tastes like. For a long time I hadn't feared for anything else, but myself and that little dragon, but everything changed the day you somehow managed to break the wall I had built all those years. Every day I wait for you to come back, every day that I fear you might get hurt, every day you say goodbye and I wish to keep you here, every day is a never ending struggle.''

"Did you worry for me?'' she nodded. He couldn't believe his ears. "You care for me? I thought you hate me.''

"I do. I hate you for that.'' she cried. "What have you done to me? "

"I love you, Morgana'' his statement surprised her. "And it hurts, yet I wouldn't change anything even if I were to wait all my life for your love. Never forget that.'' He smiled as he said that and then covering the space between them and he gently planted a kiss on her cheek. Before she could say a word he was gone.

A strange feeling vibrated in every inch of her soul. He loved her and it felt great, it felt amazing and she was happy, completely happy.

Finally, the sleepy angel opened her eyes and stretched her body playfully while a huge smile danced on her face, her eyes wet and vibrating of joy, her cheeks red and fresh, she had never been more beautiful. Merlin watched her mesmerized, her words still fresh in his mind. For a moment their eyes met, then as the sorceress acknowledged where she was she jumped scared.

"What are you doing here? I've told you not to…''She started. The good memories of the dream were gone and both sensed a pang of sorrow as they realized that it would never be real. Merlin's hopes died in that very moment he met her eyes, but he tried to hide the pain behind his usual jokes.

"As hard it might be to believe, I'm innocent. I didn't cross the line, you are the one who did. I couldn't send you away, could I?''

"Idiot'' she shout, but as she thought it couldn't be worse she notice that half of her legs was uncovered. "My dress'' she said ''Is it?''

"Yep''

Her dress was so threadbare that it left her legs uncovered up to her tights.

''But, don't worry, nobody has noticed.''

"You have.'' she cried and she dragged her dress down furiously. But the material was too old and too rotten and it ripped.

''Well..'' the warlock started, but noticing what had happened he stopped.

"Merlin'' she cried as she caught his glance. He turned his head, pretending to have missed that little incident. The only thing that helped him retain his laughter was the fact he felt that he was going to blush.

"I was joking. I didn't see anything. Honestly.'' the warlock excused himself. ''When have you become so bashful, by the way? You like to seduce men.'' He wished he hadn't said that, she was really furious. ''Look, it's all right. Stop trying to have everything under your control. And either you believe it or not, I want to be your friend. I would never do anything to harm you. Trust me.'' She wanted to go, but he grabbed her hand. ''Now, are we going to fight because of a stupid dress? Come on, it can't be so bad. It's only me that knows about it and I doubt your life would be ruined because of it. Stop trying to have everything under control. If you feel better I will keep the distance, you don't have to go. Don't be so arrogant and stupid, Morgana. ''

She wanted to say something lively and rush, but she was prevented by the guards who came to take him for another sword fight, telling him that Bolin expected him to act exquisitely.

"And, Morgana… you are special… just because some people haven't proved it to you, it doesn't mean that there is something more important than you. Maybe they simply didn't know how to say it or they were too proud or too cowardly or maybe… maybe they thought you already knew it.''

* * *

 **What Morgana said during her dream are things that she subconsciously knew and felt, but she wouldn't admit. I hasn't figured out what she wants yet.**

 **The part with "the crown of the world will fit perrfectly on your head is inspired by a story I read some years ago. She was a princess and he was a shepherd. She told him this words and he decided to conquer the world for her and he succeeded. He defited the fiercer kings and knights, he won kingdom after kingdom, but he he came back to put the crow of the world at her feet he found her dead. She'd been worried for him, she'd got sick and eventually died.**

 **I've almost forgotten. During next chapter we'll find what I mean when I said her revenge would drive her in his arms. And by the way, it won't be the last time.**


	28. Because of you

Because of you

 _A day ago._

Morgana had been planning her revenge for days, actually weeks, but she simply didn't know what to do. It was hard to wash herself, her dress was a mess, her hair was impossible to brush (and how was she supposed to brush it, by the way, when she had no hairbrush?) and even if she could have, she was too skinny and too sick to look quite pretty.

A little stream was crossing the dungeon, but the water was cold and it wasn't really comfortable to have a bath there. The witch washed her face and then she tried to wash her hair too, hoping that it would make her look better. She couldn't hold back a scream as she felt the cold water on her skin and it took her several moments to get the guts to try again. Her first thought was that she was going to catch a cold.

 _It's all Merlin's fault._ The High Priestess told herself and she soaked her hair in water. It was so cold.

 _What am I doing?_ She wondered, yet she kept bathing her hair. _Quickly. He might come any moment._

The water was dripping from her hair, wetting her dress and her body, her feet were wet too as she had stepped into the water.

 _If only I had removed my shoes,_ the former lady thought, but it was too late. Now she was shivering and it was getting worse. She couldn't understand what was in her head.

 _Where did this idea come from?_ Morgana asked herself. _Why do I care what he thinks about me?... I don't._ _It's just, she is so beautiful and she got so much attention and… No, I don't want attention…I want him to suffer…that's what I wish more than anything._

 _And how are you going to make him suffer?_ A voice rang inside her head. _You couldn't find a better plan than to make him fall in love with you?! Like that's going to work. That's all you want?! That's why you want him to love you?!_ The voice went on.

 _What is happening to me? What do I care so much about him? Why does it hurt so much?_

Morgana was sure that she was going mad and she couldn't hold back the tears she felt gathering and the frustration that was pressing her heart. She cried alone in the darkness, unable to find an answer.

And it was that dream about Elias that had arisen thousands of doubts in her mind.

At first, it was euphoric…The idea of being loved had brought hope in her heart, but her doubts, the lady's words, all of them reminded her of a life she wanted to forget. He was so much alike Merlin, and when she remembered what had made her care (or whatever her feelings had been) for her brother's servant, she realized how right the lady had been. She would have never noticed Merlin if he hadn't been so courageous and so willing to sacrifice everything for what he had thought to be right.

But it hadn't been her and that hurt. It had always been something more important than her.

* * *

And he did not even noticed, all her work had been in vain, no compliments, no smiles, nothing different, and nothing special. She had wanted so much for him to see it, to tell her that she's beautiful. She hadn't heard that for such a long time.

Merlin was too busy with his training and his thoughts. She hated so much that he had to do it. She wished he had stayed with her and talked with her instead of training and thinking who knows what.

But how was he supposed to know that when she had never told him? She had never asked herself that very question. He had to know, that was all Morgana could think about.

The High priestess started to tremble and she couldn't stop. It was so cold. She had been such an idiot and she was glad that he didn't know what she had done.

 _What would he do if he knew?_ She wondered. _Would he laugh? Would he scold me? Would he care?_

And that was when she finally decided to go to him, but he was asleep and she hardly had any more strength to go back. She knew that she was going to faint and desperate, she called his name. The last thing she remembered was him holding her in his arms.

* * *

 **Now you know why Morgana was wet. I know it might be too stupid for Morgana. We all know her as a strong and intelligent woman who wouldn't lose her head so easily, but despite the appearance, I think she's a girl who is craving for attention and that makes her act stupidly. More, she is so unpredictable and she usually acts on instinct. Deep inside she must fight a battle between her desire to forgive Merlin and her vanity, between her craving for affection and her fear of being betrayed.**

 **Meri Ley: I really want to make this story seem mysterious, but everywhere, in every dream, in every meeting, in some banal words, even in the things that seem not make sens, there are clues about what will happen someday. Nothing is random. Some things will remain a mystery until the end.**


	29. Haven's End

Haven's End

The day was terribly irksome. The warlock had already gotten used to those sword fights, to those horrible noises and screams that a mind intoxicated with alcohol could produce. He hated this atmosphere, the air polluted with madness and cruelty, the struggle for power and wealth, which encouraged friends to turn into predators, hyenas craving for the goods of their friends. It was disgusting. And though, in that world of misery, there was a girl who smiled so lovely…

He'd been fighting against the same adversary for days. Merlin had spared his life several times and he was tempted to do it again, if it hadn't been for the misery his enemy was forced to endure. Well, that poor creature was hardly his enemy, he was just an ordinary man cursed to keep losing and because of that he was sentenced to death. If he were to survive the battle, he would died of starvation or because of an infected wound.

This once glorious fighter whose only crime was that of being overmatched by another, had been condemned to misery and death.

Merlin's sword skills hadn't improved too much, but his intelligence was enough make up for his lack of practice. However, in this few months the warlock had progressed more than other fighters had in years of practice and training. Yet, he never spared himself, Merlin kept testing his limits everyday, despite of pain and tiredness.

That day, though, something was different. The lady came close to him, pretending she wanted to congratulate the winner and she handed him a letter.

Back in his cell, Merlin found a furious Morgana, resembling a hungry panther in a cage. Well, she was theoretically in a cage and she was hungry, too. But, even in that panther's glance, the Dragon Lord could find something seducing. The fascination of fighting with an untamed panther as he liked to define his relation with the High Priestess, was something Merlin wasn't able to explain himself. But he wasn't fighting with her, he preferred to tame her.

This time, the warlock didn't offer her bread as he'd usually done. Instead he waited for her to come. Merlin sat down near to the witch and opened his letter, pretending to ignore her glances. Having chosen his position as to be able to spy on her without being seen, the warlock placed the bread in front of him and started to read the letter.

* * *

 _Dear mysterious knight,_

 _I would like to help, but I fear I can't do much. Father will be traveling tomorrow and maybe I will be able to bring you something. Tell me what you need. I know that the key is more precious than anything I might bring you, but the soldiers are so afraid of my father than none of them would risk so much, not even for me. Yet, I will do my best to set you free. I promise._

 _Give me your answer tomorrow._

 _Princess Helen_

* * *

Having nothing to write with, he used his own blood to compose a short note on the other side of the paper.

 _Food, please and a blanket for my friend. It's freezing cold here and I'm afraid she won't survive otherwise._

 _You're so brave, my lady, I will never forget your kindness and I will never forgive myself if anything bad happens to you because of us._

* * *

He had mentioned Morgana on purpose; she was hardly a friend to him, but Merlin considered it better if the princess were to think the sorceress meant more to him than he'd let her know.

Time passed and the witch didn't come to him. Trying to ignore her, he started his daily training, a sword fight with an imaginary adversary and some banal spells which resulted in a faint sparkle. Day after day, it became harder and harder for the warlock not to lose hope; yet he had to pretend for Morgana's sake.

The night came and the stubborn enchantress didn't intend to speak to him. Exhausted by her arrogance, Merlin gave up and he brought her the food together with some apologizes she not even wante to hear and with a 'what have I done to you, Crazy Panther" look.

Morgana didn't answer to him; instead she began to build a wall between them. She had been gathering rocks all day- from who knows where- and she was determined to keep him away. And as if it wouldn't be enough, the last High Priestess threatened him with death if he dared to come close.

No matter how much, Merlin tried to adopt a serious face he couldn't help imagining those rocks falling down like an avalanche on a mountain slope and a furious Morgana screaming and threatening under the layer of rocks.

He decided to stay away from it. The last thing, the warlock wanted was a rock to his head. Yet, Merlin couldn't sleep for fear they might crash down on Morgana, giving the witch headaches for months if she were to survive. So, he used his magic to keep the wall safe, but eventually the bored sorcerer abandoned the idea and allowed the wall to collapse, but not until he'd made sure they wouldn't hurt his snappy friend.

Obviously, when his snappy friend woke up, she saw an innocent sorcerer sleeping peacefully.

* * *

Next morning, Merlin gave Helen the letter, his heart full of hope and joy. Their nightmares were close to an end.

Stupid boy. He left too soon to catch the glitter of hatred and fury which appeared in the princess' eyes as she read his note. It was the beginning of his nightmares.


	30. The silver dragon

The silver dragon

The High Priestess was standing by the window and near to her was a young man, probably a lord if you were to judge by the fabric of his outfit. This first impression was strengthened by his firm posture and by the sobriety written on his face, which made him look royally. The colour of his cloths, as dark as the abyss of unknown, contrasted with his ivory skin, while the long dark cloak adorned with a silver dragon and the rigidity of his features reminded of an impressive marble statue. His blue eyes shone chimerically, full of passion and darkness and the witch startled burnt by the intensity of his glance. There was a mixture of human and demon in every gesture, in every particle of his body.

"Will you ever forgive me?'' the witch asked. "I'm so sorry. I should have never let you alone.''

At his feet lay the white dragon, Aithusa. She was smaller than any mature dragon should be, yet she was plump and her silver skin shone like the light of the moon. Aithusa's eyes searched the glance of her friend, pleading him to forgive.

"But you do leave me.'' The fallen angel answered with a magnificent indifference. For a moment it was deep silence, none daring to say a word. He kept staring outside. "It was what I asked you to do and you listened. For the first time you listened." His voice was harsh.

"I didn't know at the time. I wanted to come back, but…'' the witch tried to justify.

"It doesn't matter, Morgana. I didn't expect you to act differently.''

"It matters, Merlin and you know it. Stop pretending you're not hurt. But you need to listen. I…'' Upon saying the witch let her hand lie on his back in a clumsy attempt to show her affection. The air grew cold and Morgana didn't know what expect from her once cheery friend as a curious discomfort begane to steal over her.

"Morgana, don't.'' Finally, the warlock turned to face her, but he kept his eyes impenetrable. "All those years I want nothing but for you to be safe. I endured the pain and misery only to make sure she wouldn't look for you. I played that charade so she should left you alone. I wished more than nothing for you not to come.''

"Yet, you're mad on me.'' Morgana cried starting up in a furry.

"I've missed you, Morgana. And yes, deep inside I did want you to come. I knew it was selfish, I tried to fight against it, but I couldn't. Every time I used to look in the crowd I thought I saw you, but you were never there. I woke up at night and expected to see you there. I never got the chance to say goodbye. I never got the chance to tell you how much I loved you. And days turned into weeks, weeks became months, then years….26 years. I'm not mad, Morgana. I'm cold, numb, hollow. I've waited for this day so much and yet I don't know what to tell you."

"I never meant to leave you. I thought you were dead." She cried

"The one you used to know is dead, Morgana" The warlock said sobrely.

"No'' She couldn't believe that. The Merlin she loved had to be somewhere deep inside this marble statue. She was sure there were tears in his eyes, yet the Dragon Lord was too good at hiding them.

* * *

The High Priestess woke up calling Merlin's name. She had tears on her face and the horrible feeling of guilt was still haunting her. Merlin wasn't there, but he would come back eventually.

"He always comes back, even when I send him away.''


	31. The Empire of Rats

The Empire of Rats

When Merlin returned, he found Morgana deep asleep. She looked so peacefully. The warlock checked her to see if she were alright as finding her asleep made him worried, especially after what had happened two days ago. He was afraid she might have caught a cold. No, she didn't seem to have fever. Though she seemed so feeble, so small and scared that the warlock wished he could take her in his arms and protect her, show her the world could be a better place, make her smile and let her nuzzel in his arms before she fell asleep with the hope of a better day in her heart.

Having nothing to do as he didn't want to wake her up, Merlin decided to take a nap. Hardly had he closed his eyes when he was disturbed by the rats which were inspecting the plates. It was nothing to find there. Merlin and Morgana had eaten even the last crumbs of bread and every single spot of stew, letting the plate as clean as new. Soon, they left the plate and started to crunch Morgana's boots. Merlin tried to chase them away, but they kept coming back.

Instinctively, the warlock unclasped the slice of bread in his arms so they couldn't steal it.

They were hungry and so was the warlock and he wasn't willing to let them have the bread. For a moment he considered the possibility of cooking the rats, after all he'd done it before. Yet, he hadn't been the one who had been supposed to eat them. Actually he had eaten them when Arthur had forced him to, upon finding what type of meat the stew had contained. But soon the warlock changed his mind. He couldn't cook them and he wasn't so desperate to eat raw meat, especially rat meat.

Maybe, if I burn them a little…Stop, Merlin. Are you mad? No way. I'm not going to eat a rat, may it be cooked, baked, fried or boiled. It's a rat!

The very thought of being so close to a rat made him feel sick. How could he have considered eating one? Yet he had to do something with these thieves before they stole the food and ate their cloths. The warlock couldn't kill them as they would still be a problem because of the odor, so he decided to frighten them. The warlock summoned some sparkles and hoped they felt enough pain for tge rats not to dare to come back again.

Finally it was peace and quiet, yet the Dragon Lord couldn't fall asleep. Since he'd met the Great Dragon his dreams had turned darker and gloomier and they seemed even much darker and gloomier after he'd tested what it was like to be happy even if it was pure imagination.

The warlock closed his eyes and focused on Morgana, the prankish little pixy of his dreams, but all he could see was blood and destruction, pain and misery. In that instant Merlin missed the rats. At least they'd distracted him from his fears.

He opened his eyes and turned his glance towards the sleepy beauty. The witch was so beautiful when she slept so peacefully. It wasn't the same fresh beauty the warlock had noticed back then in Camelot, but a more mature and untidy, a wild beauty and yet a seducing one. This dark angel was like a whirlpool, life itself, fiery, strong, evil, greedy and yet generous; she was inspired by the most tenebrous desires, but guided by the most noble ardor; she was ruthless, bitter, firm and kind; she was independent, but she craved for affection, powerful, but in need of protection, a mature woman and yet a spoilt child.

Her features were relaxed without that rigidity and coolness, which seemed to emanated from her power, and without that infinite desire to be in check with her feeling. How much he wanted to know what was going beyond this never ending masquerade and he knew exactly how to get there.


	32. A flower and a wish

I **think** **I** **should** **answer** **the** **questions** **you** **put** **to** **me**. **No** , **those** **rats** **are** **only** **rats** **attracted** **by** **the** **smell** **of** **food**. **It** **was** **a** **misunderstanding**. **When** I **said** **"the** **two** **magic** **beings** " **I** **meant** **Merlin** **and** **Morgana** , **not** **the** **rats**. **The** **rats** **couldn't** **find** **anything** **to** **eat** **because** **Merlin** **and** **Morgana** **had _eaten_** **everything** **already**. **The** **rats** **are** **not** **magic** **at** **all**. **Thanks** **for** **the** **remark**. **And** **no** **Helen** **didn't** **send** **them**. **Probably** **she** **would** **have** , **but** **she** **were** **busy** **then**. ( **You'll** **see** ).

 **The** **meaning**? **They've** **lived** **in** **that** **dungeon** **for** **months** **and** **they** **must** **be** **hungry**. **It's** **a** **miserable** **dungeon** **so** **it's** **natural** **there** **should** **be** **mice** **and** **rats**. **The** **crystal** **is** **playing** **with** **their** **minds**. **So** **Merlin** **doesn't** **know** **if** **what** **Kilgharrah** **said** **was** **real** **or** **was** **his** **imagination** **and** **this** **nightmare** **came** **after** **an** **entire** **week** **during** **which** **he'd** **dreamt** **a** **lovely** **life** **together** **with** **her**. **Doubts** **were** **haunting** **him** **and** **that's** **why** **he** **had** **nightmares**. **Stronger** **he** **may** **be** , **there** **are** **still** **things** **that** **scare** **him**.

 **I'm not going to reveal the ending. Sorry! But I promise I'll considered your wishes.**

* * *

A flower and a wish

How much had Morgana yearned for a bath and when she finally got it, she wished she would never have to get out of the water.

When Merlin casted the spell he hadn't expected to see Morgana chatting friendly with Gwen, while her former maid brushed her hair.

 _Maybe,_ _deep_ _inside,_ _she_ _missed_ _her_ _friend_. The warlock supposed and he decided to keep himself hidden at least for the moment.

 _This_ _is_ _going_ _to_ _be_ _fun_. He thought as he got close to them so he could hear the girls. Yet the warlock was coated. It was something new for Merlin, but it was worth the effort and it the worst scenario he might get caught which wasn't such a bad thing as it was only a dream.

* * *

Face to face with her reflection in the mirror, the once lady of Camelot smiled. Her hair was smooth and silky dark curls hung rebelliously on her back; her skin was clean and white like a cherry bloom. She was beautiful again and her wide smile made her look even more charming. The warlock was indeed under her spell and the High Priestess didn't need to chant a world. Natural, without any makeup and extravagant jewelry and fancy dresses as she was, Morgana seemed more alive than ever. That was the Morgana he loved and not that frivolous marble statue the witch used to pose.

"What you think about Merlin?'' the former lady asked her friend.

"Merlin…well…I've never asked myself this very question. You know…he's always this cheery type of guy, always joking, making your day better; clumsy and funny and yet a very devoted friend.''

"Is he?'' the witch enquired while she seemed troubled by her thoughts. Gwen was surprised by her reaction and she was about to mumble something when Morgana went on. "I don't mean the devoted friend part. I wish I knew him…the real one…He used to bring me flowers. He used to speak with me. He was gentle and friendly and cheerful. It was so childish, so innocent and happy. I used to wish to be like him- free without anything to worry about. Merlin used to make everything seem easier. I didn't know what I felt for him…I just felt I could trust him. Now…All those seem so foreign. He hasn't brought me flowers for longer than I could remember and nothing feels the same. I can't speak with him as us used to do. I wish to, but there's something wrong and I can't fix it…or maybe that's me. I am that something which can't be fixed.''

''Don't say that, Morgana. You just need a little peace. Those nightmares are tearing you apart.''

"That's how I feel lately…like a broken ship going under.''

"Let's not speak about Merlin, shall we? Look how beautiful you are. You're going to conquer every single glance in the ballroom. The women are going to envy you.'' Those remarks gained Gwen a lovely smile. ''What do you want to wear today, my lady?" Gwen asked her friendly as if they had been best friends again. Upon hearing the words Morgana's smile faded away.

"I don't know, Gwen. No matter what I do, he seems not to notice.''

"That's no truth, my lady.'' Her maid tried to cheer her up. ''No one can ignore your beauty"

"Yet he does. He didn't notice yesterday. He never noticed. I did my best to look beautiful yesterday and he didn't see what I'd done for him. I wanted him to see.''

"I'm sure he saw, but...''

"I want him to speak with me as he does with her. You should have seen them. They were so happy and they didn't care I was alone and sad. He didn't see I was crying. I just don't want to be alone anymore.''

"Morgana, you're not alone. I'm your friend. Come. Let's look for a dress. Tonight you're going to look stunning and he won't be able to take his eyes out of you.'' As she said that she started to search for a suitable dress. Yet, no matter what she chose Morgana didn't seem happy.

"Why am I feeling like this, Gwen? Why do I care what he says or does? Why, Gwen?''

"I think you're falling in love.''

''With Merlin?''

"Yes, with him.''

"No, it's impossible…It can't be.'' The High Priestess started to pace nervous. "I should hate him. I hate him. I want him to suffer.''

"As you say, my lady.''

"You don't believe me, do you?''

"Do you want to know what I think? I think you're so very much occupied by the idea of not being in love with him, that I should not wonder if it were to end in you being so at last. Do not beat me."

"That's not truth" Morgana threw at her yet she felt the want of encouragement.

"We shall see." Gwen answered simply.

"He never speaks with me. Well, hardly. He better trains with his sword or thinks who-know-where while I wish so much for him to come to me.'' The witch revealed. "I'm going insane, am I?''

"No, you don't…Why don't you speak with him?''

"I can't"

"Morgana"

"Definitely, not.''

"How is he supposed to know all these, if you refuse to speak with him?''

"I don't know… he should know, shouldn't he?''

"So what are you going to wear?'' Gwen asked her trying to change the topic. ''Come on, Morgana. You used to love it."

"I'm not going.''

"But..'' Gwen bubbled.

"Yes, you'll go.'' A voice commanded. Morgana recognized the voice immediately. It was Merlin. "Mighty Morgana Pendragon, High Priestess of the Old Religion, do you realize you're freaking out just because you can't impress a poor servant. Let me tell you a secret: This stupid servant may bow in front of a marble statue, but he can't love a stone."

"How dare you..!" The High Priestess cried. ''How dare you to eavesdrop?''

"How was I supposed to know otherwise?'' He answered calmly.

"Get out of here, Merlin…''

"As you wish, my lady, but don't blame me if I left. You better decide what you really want, Morgana, because one day I may not be able to come back.'' He warned her. He left as he promised, yet the High Priestess wasn't happy. How could she be happy when she didn't know what she wanted?

* * *

"Morgana!...'Gana, woke up.'' The witch finally opened her eyes. She was confused. "You were crying" Merlin explained.

"I had a nightmare" the witch tried to excused herself as soon as she realized what had happened.

''I know" she watched him surprised. Merlin just sat down near to her and looked her straight in the eye. "When you wake up in my arms yesterday morning I thought you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I've never tell you that because you didn't allow me to. I don't spend much time with you because you always send me away. The reason why I didn't notice you attempt to clean yourself and impress me is that I've never thought you'll ever care for me. It doesn't matter what you're going to wear, you're stunning anyway.''

"How…" Words didn't come easily. He knew her deepest secret and he wasn't allowed to.

"It doesn't matter, Morgana. What really matters is that things will be different. We're going to be friends again."

"No, we will never be friends again, Merlin. I don't know what you're speaking about and little do I care. Stop pretending you know what I need. You know nothing. Leave me alone, Merlin.'' These weren't the words the High Priestess dreamt to tell him, that wasn't how it was supposed to be and yet it was reality, it was the way her life was to be; no dreams and no disappointments.

''You better decide what you really want, Morgana because I may not be able to come back one day.'' His words stuck her like a blow, yet the High Priestess couldn't admit it. She didn't want to admit it, but she feared the day when he wouldn't come back. Little did she know that it wasn't longer until that day.

He left, but before he went away, the warlock left a beautiful rose on her lap. Only then did she see his wrists were bleeding. "Has he done it for me?" The witch wondered and it came like a looked at the rose. It was so lovely that it hurt her to do what she had to do. Morgana wished she could keep the flower, but she couldn't let him see her so vulnerable. She had to be strong. She tore it into pieces until there was nothing left. He threw her a glance. Then the sorcerer looked at the remains of the flower.

"As you wish, marble goddess.'' He muttered and before she could answer he was gone.

Upon watching what was left of that flower, the witch felt a horrible pain inside and a terrible urge to cry and scream. She only let a tear slide down her face, a single tear which refused to listen to her will.

Merlin thought she wasn't able of any human feeling, but he was wrong. He had no idea how much she was suffering and that made her furious. How dared he claim he knew her? How dared he to compare her with a rock? She would have never destroyed that flower, if it hadn't been necessary. He'd forced her to do it. Why had Merlin always turned her world upside down?

The real evils of her situation were the power of having rather too much of her own way and a disposition to think a little too well of herself while the others were always to blame.

The Dragon Lord couldn't believe how stupid he'd been. He'd thought he finally reached her, yet she was too arrogant to admit it. He knew she cared for him. Merlin was sure that dream meant something; he'd seen it in her eyes, but what good if she was never going to stop pretending?

The warlock started his sword practice hoping it would make him feel better…Maybe he was going to have some sleep that night.

All tired and sweated, the Dragon Lord gave up after a while and went furious to Morgana. His voice was still firm even if the warlock looked like he was about to collapse.

"Damn it, Morgana.'' He cursed. ''You can say whatever suits you. You can lie to me, lie to yourself, lie to everyone else, but you know I'm right. Do whatever you want, but don't blame me for the outcome. I miss my friends as badly as you do and guess what?" He asked sarcastically ''I want the some things you do…I want someone to talk with; I want to be noticed and admired; I want to stop feeling alone… It was easier to blame destiny for everything I've lost. It was easier to say I did what I thought to be right, but at the end of the day it's me who has to face the consequences of all those stupid decisions… yes, Morgana. There are decisions I regret. Do you know what I regret the most? … That I gave up fighting for what I wanted. Instead I lied myself that one day things would be better. I should have fight for everything. I should have fight for you. I should have never given up. Good night, Morgana.''

Morgana watched him flabbergasted. She realized she didn't know him at all.

"Are you alright, Merlin?'' The witched asked in such a low voice as if she hadn't been sure whether she wanted him to hear her.

"What do you think?'' he asked sarcastically. "But it doesn't matter anymore, does it?'' Upon saying that, the warlock lay down on the cold floor next to her. He closed his eyes although he knew he wasn't going to sleep, but his body was too weak to support him any longer and his eyes were sore. "Do you want to eat something? Better hurry before the rats steal it!'' the warlock warned her. '' The bread is over there.'' Merlin added and he pointed toward the food. Soon a deep silence covered everything. It was so silence that the warlock could hear Morgana crunching the bread like a little rabbit.


	33. White Nightmares

**No, you won't learn more about the crystal. I haven't thought it necessary to give more details about it . Or you mean more "dreams" caused by it? Do you want more? I'll creat a legend of the "gauner" then, but it would be in part 2 of the story.**

 **You'll have all the answers you're searching for pretty some. This chapter answers question 2.**

* * *

White Nightmare

''Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love"(Albert Einstein)

Helen startled as she read the words, but the warlock wasn't paying attention to her as his back was turned towards her. She checked her posture and forced a smile as she passed by him. Merlin smiled back.

The princess hasted to her room invocating a headache to excuse her. She was not going to cry. Little did she care if he loved another, but it would ruin her plan. She was supposed to make him fall in love with her, to make him want her as he'd never wanted another and then, she would never have to be afraid of anything. Together they could rule the world and put all their enemies on their knees.

Helen had planned everything since the moment she'd heard he was there. For a long time she had wished nothing, but to see him dead, but the circumstances had changed and the princess wasn't that stupid to lose such an opportunity. The Dragon Lord was valuable and if she were to play well, she would gain a lot. Helen was beautiful, young, powerful. She could have any man at her command, but she wanted him and she swore she'd have him and she wouldn't let the past stay in her way.

The princess had to get rid of Morgana as soon as possible. He'd written her it was freezing cold there, but the warlock hadn't tasted the bite of the frost yet.

Let's see if she were to survive this night. The princess laughed and then her voice became grave as she casted a spell.

* * *

After their little quarrel the day turned as irksome as any other day they'd spent in the dungeon. After a short nap, Merlin continued his training and Morgana did nothing as usually. He wondered how she didn't get bored. The warlock opened his mouth to asked, but he closed it back before he could have uttered a word. It was peace and quiet finally and he didn't feel like having another quarrel with her. The witch hadn't moved at all since that incident with the dress, except for when she carried the rocks, but he hadn't been there to see her and that explained a lot. She needed something to wear, but the warlock didn't know how to help. Then an idea popped in his mind. He was going to ask Helen to bring a cloak when he would meet her. He scolded himself for not thinking about it before.

Morgana didn't have the slightest idea what plans were running in the warlock's head, but she was shocked how fast the air had changed. The High Priestess started to tremble as the air grew colder and colder and she had nothing to cover her body. The High Priestess couldn't decide how to use Merlin's coat. Her legs were frozen; her feet despite Merlin's neckerchief were frozen too. She needed something to cover her back as the cold paralyzed her spine; her neck and half of her bosom were vulnerable too and the witch had a single coat.

Soon the water froze and Merlin felt that the sweat on his back turned into ice instantly. Icicles hung all over the wall and ceiling, and the floor had become a huge ice mirror. It was beautiful. As the water steaims froze in the air, they turned into snowflakes and they fell down from the ceiling. But it was cold, horribly cold and they had hardly something to wear and no blanket.

Anyone else save from the warlock would have lost any hope to survive, but he didn't want to give up. He'd made a promise and he was decided to fight.

Merlin gave up his training and he started to gather the snow that was falling thicker and thicker. He threw glanced at Morgana from time to time, hoping to catch a smile on her face as she would realize what he was doing. But the broken angel was too scared to care. She was actually frustrated he was wasting his time playing when he should have done something. She didn't know what could be done, but he had to, otherwise they were to die. Lately it had become and a habit to put her trust in him. The warlock saw her grumpy face and he said laughing.

"Have you never built a snowman?''

"We are going to die and you're building a snowman?! Are you mad!?" The witch cried.

"No and no…and no. We're not going to die. The only thing that's going to kill us is your never ending snivel. Is it so hard to be kid for a few moments? He enquired exhausted by her stubbornness. ''If you don't come here until I count to one hundred, I will come there myself, take you by force and throw you in the middle of the snow. Do you hear me? So one, two, three…''

"Dare you…'' she threatened. The warlock didn't say a word instead he took her in his arms and was ready to throw her in the snow. She tried to escape his grip, but it was impossible.

"Merlin'' she cried ''I'm going to kill you'' and she scratched him with her nails, hoping he would let go of her. Soon the witch found herself over the mountain of snow.

"Did you think I was joking?'' he laughed. "Ready?'' The witch seized her arms around his neck and holds it tight in spite of the cuffs that prevented her to use her hands freely. The warlock just put her gently down and he brought her shoes commanding to put them on. She refused.

"You're horrible.'' The warlock declared and kneeling near to hear he took the shoes and pressed her foot. "Now, up.'' Morgana couldn't hold back a laugh. ''Do you think it's funny?'' the warlock asked on a grumpy tone, but soon he burst in laughter. ''Up with you.'' He demanded again as he saw the witch was disobeying his order. ''You're going to help me built the snowman''

"I can't.'' she complained and she showed him her cuffs.

"Come on. You gathered all those rocks yesterday and you want me to believe you can't gather some sticks. We need to put it a nose…a mouth…eyes…buttons…'' The warlock enumerated.

"Arms….it needs hands…and a scarf…'' She continued.

"I'm going to build it and you'll decorated it.''

"What if I don't want to?'

"I have my methods. The snow is still waiting for you'' He reminded her.

The High Priestess couldn't believe she was doing what he'd demanded her and more she was enjoying it. She added a "you're going to pay for this'', yet she helped him and the snowman was pretty handsome…well rather funny than handsome.

As long they worked, they didn't felt the cold, but when the snowman was done, the two magic beings realized it was worse than they'd though. Yet Merlin was pretty good at hiding his worries."We'll have to warm each other.'' He stated. Morgana watched him offended as she guessed his thought.

"No way" the witch cried, but she let Merlin sit near to her and soon she was in his lap, her back sank into his chest. "I can't believe I'm doing this.'' The witch murmured, while she folded her legs and Merlin covered her with his coat.

"Everything will be alright.'' He encouraged her. ''Just don't fall asleep.'' The warlock added.

"But I want to sleep.''

"I mean it, Morgana.'' He uttered on a sharp tone. ''Don't fall asleep.''

"Why not?'' The witch demanded to know. He wanted to tell her she would die if she did so, but he decided against it.

"Just don't.''

He'd been talking for hours when he noticed she'd fallen asleep. He shook her, trying to wake her up. He called her name, but the witch didn't answer. The warlock listened to her breath. She was still breathing, but he knew she wouldn't survive long.

"I've told you not to fall asleep'' his voice rang out and the warlock slapped her. She woke up instantly.

"How dare you?'' The witch asked trembling because of her fury and she touched her face as she felt it red and sore.

"I've told you not to fall asleep.'' He said again.

"I'm not going to listen to you.'' She cried and she tried to run away. She hit him with her legs and fists, she scratched him, but the warlock didn't set her free. His grip was tighter and tighter.

"Merlin, let go of me.''

"No.'' he said simply. ''I've promised I will get you out of here alive and I'm going to do that. Do you want to die? How could you be so stupid to fall asleep when it's such a frost?''

"I was happy and warm...'' she muttered ''right before you woke me up.'' She accused him.

"I know, but you can't give up. You must not do that.'' Morgana tried to bite his hand, but he pulled it up so quickly that they found themselves face to face. They stood still for some moments, watching each other. Then their lips almost touched dazed by the magic of the moment. But he lowered his head and the magic was gone.

The High priestess could sense his breath so close to her neck that she felt her heart throbbing. For a moment he was tempted to press his lips on her neck. He heard her breath; he felt it and involuntary he tightened his hug. The witch was trembling; he could sense it and he discovered something was vibrating inside. Merlin knew she wouldn't forgive him, that kissing her would ruin their almost friendship and just like when they almost kissed, he'd turned his head before his lips reached her skin.

Morgana couldn't explain that feeling either. She felt safe in his arms and yet vulnerable, vulnerable to her own feelings. No man had made her feel like that. She'd been disgusted every time they tried to approach her. She remembered the way Helios used to watch her or how much Agravaine had been ready to sacrifice for her and though all she'd felt was disgust. But Merlin…he was different. What she felt was different. It was something new, something she hadn't tested before.


	34. The devil inside

**Finally the reveal. I couldn't help bringing her back. Initially I saw "Merlin" seven years ago (well, only the last three episodes of the first season) and I liked her. It was only last year when I saw the entire series that I understood her character better. Though, I'm fan Mergana.**

 **Yes, there will be three parts. The first one has 40 chapters.**

* * *

The devil inside

Helen was sitting in front of the mirror brushing her blond hair. Upon hearing someone stepping behind her, she tried to turn around but she was prevented by his hands resting around her waist and she felt his breath on her neck. The princess cried delighted as she saw his face in the mirror. It was Merlin.

"How long has passed and you haven't changed at all.'' He complimented her. Her back was turned against him and her her hands pretended to be still busy with her hair.

"I have my own tricks, but you already know that. You haven't changed either.'' Helen said smiling. She tried to get up so she could look at his face, but his hands pressed her shoulders down and he lended his face on hers. He watched the reflection in the mirror as he spoke.

"You're right, I haven't changed but I've learnt a lot'' he uttered and his face hardened allowing a cruel smile to tighten his lips.

"You could have been free years ago if only you had accepted my help. I stopped trying. You were furious I killed your friend. Come on, Merlin. I did a great service to you. She would have never been better than me...Together…'' she added her hand resting on his cheek ''Together we'll achieve a lot.''

"You have changed your face, but you've learnt nothing. You're the same person I met at the Isle of Bleast more than 35 years ago. Do you remember the last words I told you?''. A shadow dimmed the brightness of her face and her smile died on her lips. His voice rang out loud and grave. "You should have never killed my friend, Nimueh."

Helen felt a horrible pain piercing her back and her body started to shack. The sweat poured down her face, her legs trembled and a weakness was stealing over her. She understood as soon as she turned her glance toward the warlock to watch him in the eyes.

"Don't make any illusion. I've spent 25 years to make sure you won't find another body. This time is over.'' Nimueh didn't hear anymore as her sight went blur and everything stopped.

* * *

Helen woke up from her dream. Her eyes traveled about the room warily, truculently. It took her a while to realize it was a dream. Though dream or not Nimueh knew this was a sign. The High Priestess breathed in and she raised from her bed, searching for her spellbook.

"You'll suffer, Merlin. If that's how much you care about her than I'll make sure she'll be your undoing.'' she swore while she studied every single page of her book.

* * *

The ice had melted and the air was warmer, though still damp and there was tension everywhere. The two sorcerers had had one of their usual arguments and they tried to ignore each other. In fact it was Morgana who was determined to show him a cold shoulder because she claimed the prankish warlock had entered her mind once again ruining her sleep and making her see stupid things.

The innocent warlock couldn't understand why the Fury herself had slapped him as only a few moments ago she was sleeping peacefully with a huge smile on her face. Obviously, the Dragon Lord couldn't hold his tongue and pointed out she seemed to enjoy whatever he'd done in her sleep which made her blush. Then Merlin let fall from his lips a ''Should I do it again?'' which resulted in his gaining another slap.

Merlin smiled as he saw Helen entering the dungeons. The princess was a little disgusted as she stepped on the moody floor, but she tried to cover it with a smile.

"I apologies if our little room is not suitable for someone like you.'' Morgana said bitterly upon noticing her reaction. Helen ignored her.

"I'm sorry it took me so long.'' she was addressing only to Merlin which annoyed Morgana even more.

 _Who's_ _this_ _arrogant_ _princess_ _and_ _what_ _is_ _she_ _doing_ _here?_ _You_ _can_ _go_ _away_.

Helen kept ranting about her father and who know what as Morgana wasn't paying attention. Then the witch noticed Helen was watching her and she heard the princess speak.

"You must be his friend.'' Morgana wanted to say something rush, but she kept her tongue. "May I present myself? I'm princess Helen, Bolin's daughter.'' She stopped for a moment waiting for Morgana to present herself, but the High Priestess ignored her.

The witch couldn't help feeling jealous as she spotted the fine garment and her fresh beauty. "I brought you a blanket and some food and I want to give something to you.'' Helen said addressing to Morgana and she handled her a necklace. "It's enchanted. It will protect you. I want you to have it.''

As the witch didn't make a move, the princess put it around Morgana's neck. "Do you want to keep both of them?'' Helen enquired as she saw the other necklace around her neck.

"You can have it if you want.'' Morgana stammered surprised by the princess kindness. Though, the witch kept watching her suspiciously and despite Helen's smile and apparent compassion, the High Priestess couldn't fight back the feeling of danger. It was something about that princess she couldn't decipher and her feminine perception kept warning her. Soon, though, Morgana realized it wasn't her the princess cared about. She was only a mean to get to Merlin and she couldn't do anything about it.

"Well, thank you. I shall keep it safe.'' Helen said and she hurried to hug Morgana. But as the witch didn't paid attention, the princess managed to scratched her neck with her ring. "I'm sorry" she excused herself. "I….'' she babbled ''Let me see.''

"It's alright'' Morgana cut her. "You better make sure this wouldn't happen to Merlin, should you have the chance to hug him.'' The High Priestess tried to make it sound like a joke, but instead it sounded like a war threat.

"Morgana'' Merlin cried.

"What? Is not what you want?" Merlin watched her surprise unable to figure out what it meant. "I did...Well he hugged me and..."

"And you scratched me like a wild cat."

"Merlin." Morgana cried. He'd ruined her plan again. She saw it in Helen's smile. Only a few moments ago the princess had been furious. It had been visible despite her attempts to hide it. But Merlin had to be so dense.

"Oh, I'm sorry.'' The princess apologised again, then she changed her tone. "I have to go. Father will come back soon. He left late last night, but he promised he wouldn't be long. See you tonight then." She pointed and she disappeared out of the dungeon.

* * *

I'm going to give you a last chance, Merlin. But she's not coming with you. Actually, she'll pay for that.

The princess had seen enough to know how fragile their friendship was, a little betrayal and voila everything would crush down. And even if something went wrong, there was always plan B. Helen smiled content upon seeing the stains of blood on her ring.


	35. Dust never sets over the dreams

Dust never sets over the dreams

"Poor thing!" Morgana exclaimed while playing with her necklace. She was nested in Merlin's warm bed, which had became her own for days, trying to cover her frozen body with the blanket.

She wanted to invite him there, aware the warlock might need the blanket as much as herself, but the witch couldn't give up her pride. Merlin stared at her.

''She's innocent right now, but…'' the witch went on "...She's young and loved, but how long will she bear this place? She loved her father and it's just natural too, but how long will she bear his crimes and his cruelty?I was like her long ago...Some things are never meant to last.''

"No.'' Merlin cried. "Don't be so hard. You were different. Things were different. She doesn't have a reason to fear for her life.''

"But she had hundreds to fear for the life of the one she loved. Her compassion will be her undoing. I hope she's tough enough. Try not to ruin her.''

The last words of the High Priestess escaped his hearing and Merlin just answered simply "You're wrong.''

The witch didn't like his confidence. She was tempted to argue with him, but she gave up the though eventually.

Morgana was too tired to lose her time with such nonsenses, but as she couldn't allow him to win, the witch added furiously ''You'll see!'' and she threw him a ''you better watch your tongue because I'm not in the mood to accept your stupid jokes" and then Morgana closed her eyes trying to have some sleep. She'd slept a little in the morning, yet the sorceress was feeling exhausted after the last night and it was hardly something better to do than sleep.

Morgana was woken by the soldiers some hours later and she was informed she would be Bolin's guest that day.

Morgana froze as she heard the words, but the witch knew it was nothing she could do. Blood mantled her cheeks as she caught the glance of the soldiers directed toward her body and the witch felt her blood boil in her veins, fury and shame written deep on her face.

Merlin noticed her reaction and he mentally scolded himself for forgetting to ask for a clock. He would have done anything to save her from those miserable eyes directed toward her, but he didn't know how to do it. His voice was therefore sharp and loud.

"Are we going or what?'' the last Dragon Lord's voice rang out and if his eyes had been as sharp as daggers, the soldiers would have been dead, so much fury glittered there.

And it got worse as she entered the hall where Bolin used to have his shows. Morgana felt she wouldn't be able to cross the huge room full of hideous faces and dreadful smiles. Her tears blinded her despite her arduous efforts to hold them back. She felt their eyes piercing her body.

Meagre, indeed and cold was the sympathy that a transgressor might look for from such bystanders. All she could do was to hope she wouldn't swoon and die at Bolin's foot. The witch didn't want to offer him that pleasure.

Somehow she managed to walk, maybe due to the guard that forced her to keep walking or maybe because she wasn't going to let him win, to let him see how much she suffered. The High Priestess underwent an agony from every footstep of those that thronged to see her, as if her heart had been flung into the huge hall for them all to spurn and trample upon. She underwent an agony as she didn't know what had been decided for her, if every step she took led her closer to her doom. As she walked, it was revealed in front of her eyes the entire track along which she had been treading since her happy infancy.

When Morgana sat near to Helen, her face was dicoloured and ravage. She sank in the chair and for moments she was unaware of what was happening around her, although her eyes were wide opened. The witch wished she'd been anywhere else but there and little did she know it was Helen's plan, little did she know the sweet girl next to her enjoyed so much each of Morgana's neverending fears.

Merlin threw an assuring smile to her and his eyes encouraged her to believe he would take care of her. But instead of helping her set her anxieties at rest, it opened old had used to trust him long ago when she'd wished nothing but the best for Camelot and for Arthur. Every time she'd felt lost she'd used to throw glances at him, begging him to keep her safe. He'd been her friend, even more than Gwen or Arthur had and when he'd betrayed her, poisoning her, her entire world had fell down. The witch was not going to make the same mistake.

But she wasn't the only one who noticed Merlin's smile. Bolin might have been blinded by his craving for power and his brutality, but he was old enough to decipher such a smile. Helen had guessed his thought- she as well as Bolin had caught that look on the warlock's face- but she pretend to be his innocent little girl. However she was a cunning, poisonous serpent and she knew better to choose her words.

"They are so sweet together.'' she whispered in her father's ear, her voice joyful and sweet. ''I've told you that...well'' she babbled trying to look confused and embarrassed ''I wish I were loved so much.'' the princess added melancholically and she flustered when she caught her father's eyes on her, but she hid it with a smile.

Her words hit the target as she'd foreseen. Helen notice her father was wrapped in thought, but soon he recovered his posture and a devilish smile contorted his features. She couldn't see what lay inside his heart, but she knew it was good.

The princess begged pardon and she went closer to the cage where merlin was fighting. She hid herself among the crowd and unnoticed she spoke words of the Old Religion and then as nothing had happened she came back. From that moment on the princess kept a close eye on Morgana.


	36. Sometimes plans are only plans

Sometimes plans are only plans

Merlin felt his magic coming back to him despite the fact those iron bands were still around his wrists. He threw a glance to Morgana to make sure she was still there and he mentally demanded her to come closer to him. For a moment the warlock feared she wouldn't be able to hear him, but she did. He knew that due to her cold glance.

He tried to extend the duel as much as possible, while he kept begging her to listen to him, but she was as stubborn as ever. Though, she wasn't the only one who could hear vain did he tried to explain to her he had a plan since she couldn't hear him anymore as Helen blocked the connection with magic. There was only one thing the warlock could do, set her free and hope she would be able to protect herself.

He broke her cuffs and told her to run, but Morgana couldn't move a step. Helen gripped her hand tight preventing her from running. Morgana wanted to use a spell in order to escape her grip, but she felt her body paralyzed and she couldn't mutter a she could do was watch how Helen raised her eyebrow and put on a challenging smirk. Morgana couldn't help thinking Helen's gesture was so similar with her own when Merlin had been accused of sorcery by that goblin. Similar to that time, no one noticed except the one who was meant to.

Merlin didn't noticed it, too busy to deal with the guards and with everyone around. He was strong indeed and after such a long period since he hadn't used his powers, the warlock felt invincible. There was no way to stop him, no weapon could hurt him. Merlin could have killed everyone and fled away any moment, but his eyes searched desperately after Morgana. He finally found her, but she wasn't alone. Bolin caught his glance and an evil grin desfigurated his mouth. He kept her close to him while holding a sword in front of her neck.

"If you make a single step she will die.'' Bolin threatened him. ''You may kill me, but my guards will do the job for me. She stands no chance. If you surrender now, she won't get hurt. I give you my word." he uttered proving a clear, cold and calculating mind.

"I don't trust your word" Merlin answered, but his voice tremble.

"Nevertheless. You don't have a choice." Bolin answered on a cold tone.

Morgana knew it would be her end and for the first time she didn't accuse Merlin. She'd ruined everything and she couldn't be saved.

Their eyes met for a moment and she felt tears on her face.

Soon everything would be over. She thought and she startled at the sound of metal hitting the floor. Merlin had let his sword fall down. The guard fastened him and he didn't move a finger.

"Now, let her go.'' Merlin demanded.

Bolin bidded a soldier to fasten her and to take her to the dungeon.

"I will keep my promise, Merlin. She won't be hurt, although some arangements should be made" The witch heard Bolin say as the guards took her away. ''But you, you have killed many of my best men. That won't go unpanished. We're going to have a little chat afterwards.'' he added in a voice that made Morgana chill and she felt she couldn't walk anymore. Yet the guards dragged her forcing the witch to walk. As the guard took her away she threw a glance to Merlin, maybe the last, she feared and her blood went cold as the witch saw the expression on Helen's face. It hadn't been her imagination.

Merlin didn't notice the dreadful smile that contorted the princess' features. All her innocence, her very humanity was gone and a savage exultation twisted her face and glittered in her eyes. Never had she looked so viperish. But Morgana noticed that and she understood more than she wanted to.


	37. The sun shines through the rain

**Do not get used to frequent updating. My holiday is about to end and I won't be able to be so frequent. But I'm going to have the firdt part published before I run out of time.**

The sun shines through the rain

She couldn't believe what had happened. It hurt. Not her body. Morgana hadn't got a single scratch, but something deep inside was bleeding.

The guards had chained her to the wall and then they left, so she was completely alone. There was no light and no hope. Just darkness and coldness, a coldness that had entered in her every bone.

Now Morgana knew how much she miss what she had had; she missed the light, Merlin's jocks, missed being protected, his company, his everything. Even that bloody gauner was better than this complete darkness and it hurt. If only Merlin had returned… Would he ever forgive her?

* * *

Helen dashed furiously in the throneroom.

"Father!" the princess cried. "You can't be serious!" She had enough of pretending. "He'd killed hundreds of our best fighters. He must be punished."

"He'll be, my dear. Do not bother yourself with this type of problems. Let me deal with it."

"I will if you really _deal_ with it. And the witch? How is she punished? You must kill her."

"Helen! Are you insane? Morgana is his weak point. Have you forgotten what happened?

"Exactly. She's his vulnerability. Losing her will damage him ten time stronger than anything you could do to him. That will turn him in a pety shell of his former self. Come on, Father, you can't be so thick!"

"Or it will make him vengeful, which means we are all dead. Who's ticker now, Helen? He won't leave without her and he won't do anything which may harm her. We could use it to our advantage."

Helen knew he was right. No one would be able to survive Merlin's revenge, but the warlock didn't have to know she'd been involved. She would made it look like it'd been her father's doing and she'd been able to do anything about it. She would offer her support to him and would make him see a friend in her. His hatred towards Bolin could be used in her advantage, but obviously he had not to meet Morgana.

"But you can't let them share the same cell. You're supposed to punish them." Helen said. If Bolin wasn't going to kill her, she would do it before he found out. Bolin's guards may misunderstood an order after all, didn't they?

"Helen! Stop it! I'm not going to change my mind."

"But…"

"Go to your room, Helen! He's a sorcerer and I'm not going to allow my daughter to set her eyes on a nobody like him."

"What?"

"I'm not an idiot. Don't try anything to get her out of your way! I won't risk my kingdom for your fancy."

"Yes, Father."

* * *

"Hello, witch!" Helen greeted her as she entered inside the dungeon. "The boys want a little fun and it seems you play the main part." she laughed. Morgana felt her blood run cold, but she wouldn't allow her to notice.

"Where's Merlin?"

"It doesn't matter as he won't save you this time. Boys, she's yours."

Morgana knew only a miracle would save her, but somehow she didn't want to give up believing into one.

"If Merlin finds out, you'll be dead, Helen." She cried. " He has escaped today, he'll do it again" Morgana tried to threatened her.

"He wouldn't have without my help. Bye, witch!" Helen said smirking and she addressed to the soldiers. "When you finish, kill her and get rid of the body. Father has to know nothing of it." And she left the cell.

Yet miracles did happen. As she closed the door behind her, Helen's glance met Merlin's. Some guards were escorting him inside and he must have heard Morgana's screams considering the fury written on his face. And he must have seen Helen's smirk, too as he asked her visibly annoyed.

"What is happening, Helen?"

"My father…" she babbled.

Merlin didn't ask more. He just rush toward the dungeons dragging the soldiers with him.

"Leave her alone" he commanded

"Or?" The soldiers mocked him. Merlin didn't say a word, but soon they started to choke and eventually they fell down dead. Those who survived ran out of the dungeon, slamming the door after them. For over a week none dared to enter despite Helen's threatens. Not even her.

Though it cost the warlock a lot of energy and he was hurt and disappointed. But Morgana needed him. She was still sobbing despite her greater attempts to stop the tears. The torches were still there. The soldiers had run away leaving them behind and for a while the two sorcerers were going to have some light.

* * *

Morgana was a mess. She'd been unchained and she was sitting on the cold floor with her knees to her chest, visibly scared.

"Are you alright?" Merlin enquired and he hesitated whether to hug and comfort her or to keep distance.

"Thanks to you." Morgana said. It has been a long time since he hadn't heard her speaking like that. "Are you hurt?" Well it was quite visible he was and she feared it may have been other wounds she was unable to see.

"Are you worried for me?" he teased her. "This is not a dream, Gana."

"No, it's not. And I am worried about you, Merlin. I owe you a lot already." His smile turned into disappointment and then she acknowledged her mistake. "I mean… It's not because what you did...well, it partially is...but...well, Merlin...I"

"May I hug you?" it was safer to ask after all, but his question shocked her or better said amused her. He guessed her surprise. "I've thought you need some comfort. Do not pretend, Gana. I know you're hurt, but I promise I'll do anything to protect you. So, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm still here."

"You must be exhausted. I know your magic doesn't come without a price. Come, lay here."

"But that's your bed!"

"We're not so fat." the witch joked. "I think I'll accept your hug if you let me take care of you. Come, the blanket is waiting for you."


	38. The deal

**There will be a kiss. I promise.**

* * *

The deal

Helen was at loss with what to do. She'd been an idiot and her plans are ruined because of it. Morgana must have told him already and even if she hadn't, Merlin had seen enough to suspect her.

She'd considered to link herself to Morgana, so the warlock wouldn't be able to hurt her without hurting Morgana, but it meant Morgana had to live too and the princess would never be able to have Merlin at her side. She'd threatened someone he cared for, he would never forgive her.

Then she considered bringing Morgause back from the death. Well, a shell of the former one, but a shell loyal to her. Yet, it was likely Morgana wouldn't leave him behind not even for her sister. Helen could lie Morgana, tell her he was dead, but what if something were to go wrong? Her plan would be ruined too. Morgana was a revengeful person. She wouldn't rest until she had her vengeance. No matter how much the witch pretend, she loved Merlin. And when she came, both her and Merlin were to find the truth and it would be the end of Helen.

The princess knew it for sure, but she needed to risk.

For the moment it would be better to link herself to Morgana. She would see afterwards what she would have to do.

* * *

Well, the two sorcerers weren't completely alone. The two soldiers they'd played a prank upon visited them the next day. They brought them food and asked nothing in return.

"I've seen what you do for her." One of them said. "I must be wonderful to be loved so much." He added, addressing to Morgana this time. The witch blushed.

"You just need to find that something that's worth fighting for. Nothing will seem too much then." Merlin answered.

They spoke a lot. Everyday they came and they talked about a lot of thing, family, trust, love, friendship. The soldiers weren't idiots at all. They told them about Helen.

" She hasn't always been like that. She used to be a lovely kid, but something happened 12 years ago and she changed completely. She became cruel and hungry for power, vengeful. She gets bored easily, nothing makes her happy. Be careful. Really, be careful." They warned them.

"I wish we could give you the key, but we have family and she's dangerous." the young man told them with regret in his voice.

"We'll protect you" Morgana promised.

"We can't risk."

"But…"

"Merlin don't you want that key?" Helen asked treading out of the darkness that covered her. "I can give it to you myself."

"Not without a price." The warlock pointed out. Helen laughed. He stepped closer to her and watched her in the eye.

"This dagger is enchanted. It could be used to kill a High Priestess. Kill Morgana and you'll be free. What do you think, Merlin? She killed your friends after all." Helen said firmly.

"What do you really want, Nimueh?" The princess was surprised he'd known. "Why do you want her dead so badly?"

"There's place for only one queen. Together we could achieve a lot. I will be honest. I don't love you, Merlin. In fact, I feel nothing for you, but love is hardly necessary for such arrangements. I think you are already accustomed with this type of royal business."

"We can work together. The three of us. Why her death is so necessary? Have you never been in love?"

"I was long ago and it was stupid….I've told you. It can be only one queen." Nimueh answered bored by his insistence.

"May we speak somewhere else?"

"You're not in the position to ask."

"Neither do you. You know me, Nimueh. You may achieve what you want, but there wouldn't be a place in this world where you could hide from my revenge. I want to offer you an alternative."

"Fine."

"What do you want to tell her and I'm not allowed to know?" Morgana interfered.

"It's not that I don't want you to know, I just trying to avoid a conflict. You're both really reckless, girls, and the last thing I want is two high priestesses turning this place into ash. Not that I like this place, but I do actually doubt any of you would look good without a single mop of hair on your head."

* * *

"If I promise to never see her again, will you leave her alone."

"What?"

"I'll join you if you promise no innocent will be harm. You want power. I'll give you power. But I have my rules too."

She didn't like it, but Helen knew it was the best she could have. She doesn't love Merlin after all and she knew he would keep his word.

"What if I refuse you?" she didn't want to give up so easily. Merlin didn't say a word. Instead his eyes shone gold and Helen was on her knees.

"I've linked myself to her." the princess said hoping he would stop. He did.

"So?"

"What are your requests?"

"I have two requests. One: you give Morgana the Gorlois lands and castle and enough gold to live like a lady. Two: no innocent would be harm."

"And you're going to bring the power of the Old Religion back to the realm and punished those who opposed us."

"No, I'll kill those who deserve it. What about your father?"

"Deal." Helen answered.

"How should I call you? Helen or Nimueh?"

"Hildegard…." The princess answered, shocking him, but her voice was so feeble. Too feeble for someone like her and Merlin wondered what secrets she hid. But soon she changed her mind. "Queen Nimueh. So, people will know I'm back." Her voice was strong again.

"So be it, queen Nimueh."


	39. The queen of heart

The queen of hearts

"Hello, Father!" Helen greeted him as she entered the throne room where the king was hiding to escape the fury of Merlin. Little did he know Helen was involved too. Bolin had ordered the soldiers to bring Morgana hoping to use her against the warlock, but Merlin had already taken her to safety.

"Helen, I've looked everywhere for you. Are you alright?" The king asked worry in his voice. Nimueh smirked.

"Always the overprotective father and yet you've never noticed your daughter was gone long ago. My name is Nimueh and I'm the High Priestess of the Old Religion and the new queen of Armata." The king was so shocked he couldn't mutter a word.

"You can't…" He babbled.

"Actually I can… Goodbye, Bolin!" And she was ready to cast a spell when Merlin entered the room.

"I don't think it's necessary." He spoke and then he addressed to Bolin, his voice cold and imposing."But you threatened someone I care about, Bolin, and I've lost everything because of that. I will never forget that day, but neither do you. I promise." The warlock nodded and two soldiers took him away. Nimeh disposed an annoyed grin upon hearing his words, but the warlock ignored her.

"Merlin, we must kill him." Nimueh tried to convince the warlock. "People won't accept me as their queen as long as the king is alive."

"Well, Queen Nimueh, I don't care." The warlock said and he sat on the throne as if it were something quite normal. The message was clear. He was the ruler. "What? It's only a chair. You can have the crown. I'm not going to put that thing on my head. It's heavy and useless."

But he didn't need a crown to look royal. He was powerful and the choice of his outfit made him seem even much imposing. Dark as he felt his own soul, woven and dyed with strong magic, which caused the black seemed more deeper, more darker, more overwhelming. Only a small silver dragon, embroidered on his cloak brought a little light in this abyss of darkness.

The new queen just puffed and got out of the room furiously. She started to doubt whether she would ever be queen after all.

The small dragon, Aithusa cuddled at his foot and she watched him with big eyes.

"It's time to say goodbye to Morgana." Merlin sighed. His marble indifference was gone replaced by sorrow.

* * *

Merlin had ordered she would be taken to safety. He remembered her surprise and her lovely smile when he'd told her she was free.

The warlock ordered Nimueh to take care of her and give her all the attention she deserved. Morgana was taken to the princess' room. No one was to look there. Indeed Bolin had sent people to protect the princess, but that lovely princess was in fact an old serpent. No one wanted to cross her.

Morgana was given lovely dresses and good food; her hair was washed and brushed; her wounds were healed. But Nimueh never stopped reminding the warlock Morgana had to leave.

Morgana wasn't happy either when she saw Nimueh was safe and sound and she repeatedly tried to warn Merlin not to trust the princess.

Convincing Morgana not to blow everything out was even harder and Nimueh's plan to link herself to Morgana proved really useful as the High Priestess proved to be a reckless panthera.

Merlin needed all his patience to calm the two high priestess down.

* * *

"You did what?" The High Priestess cried. It wasn't what he'd expected.

"You'll be fine, Gana. I'll take care of you no matter the distance. Promise me you'll find someone and you'll fall in love with him and you'll be happy. That's your chance to be happy."

"But…"

"I love you, Morgana and I can't lose you. Do you understand?"

"No, Merlin, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. You are sending me away AGAIN."

"I'll make sure you have everything you need."

"Don't suppose you know what I need." The witch cried and she left slamming the door after her.

* * *

Merlin had ordered some people to take care of her. The two soldiers together with their families were to go with her. There were also some more people he'd found and the warlock had thought she would need. She couldn't live by herself there. Everything was almost ready for her departure.

He'd promised she would never be alone again. Yet, it doesn't make her feel better and neither shouting at him helped her, but she did it anyway.

"How could you do that to me? What made you think you have the right to decide for me? You've promised you won't hurt me again. Why? Why, Merlin!" She kept shouting since they'd entered his chambers.

"But you'll have everything you want. I'll make sure you'll be treated like a lady. Soon people will see the good in your heart and they will forgive your errors. I'm sure of that. You have the gift of healing. Use it, Morgana. You'll conquer more people with your heart than you could have ever conquered with power."

"But you won't be there, Merlin. What made you believe I would leave you here and start a new life?"

"Nothing proved me you wouldn't."

"But I love you."

"You never told me." Now they were both shouting. "Why now, Morgana?"

"But… Merlin. That's not real, is it? Because I rather woke up in this horrible dungeon than to be forced to go. I don't care about fancy dresses and luxurious castles. We could live in a small village, surrounded by people who love us. You promise we'll build a place for us."

"And you refused me then."

"So it's my fault now?"

"I can't lose you, Morgana. You have to understand that I can't take any more risks. It would hurt firstly, but eventually you'll find someone and you'll learn to smile again."

"And what about me? Have you ever asked me what I think about it? And no, Merlin. There's no one else." The witch cried. " Have you really believef everything I said?"

"No and yes. Sometimes I didn't know what to believe. But I do know what I feel and I don't want you to live this life anymore. I want you to be happy."

"But I won't be happy! And neither do you. Together we could find a way to kill Helen and…"

"Do you think it's so easy?"

"Then make it stop because it hurts, Merlin. I wish I never met you. If only I could forget everything."

"Morgana, please."

"Hey" Nimueh announced her presence. "She won't give up."

"How you dare coming here after everything you've done?" Morgana screamed and she prepared to cast a spell, but Merlin's eyes shone gold and she fell asleep. He gently laid her on the bed and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

"No, she won't give up."

"Her death wouldn't help me at all and neither mine would compensated your losing her. So, it's better to find a way together. I was considering my taking over her body"

"Don't you dare!" He threatened.

"As I expected…. Make her forget."

"What?"

"Make her forget you and then her life will come back to normal."

"But I don't want her to forget and it's not fair to do it."

"And is it fair to let her suffer? Is it what she wishes?"

"You don't understand. Those last months changed her a lot. I don't want her to forget that."

"Come on, Merlin. I bet you can find a way."

"She needed an anchor."

"Then invent one."


	40. An end and a beginning

An end and a beginning

That was one of the longest nights in his life. Despite the soft fabric of the sheets and the luxurious air of his new chambers, the warlock couldn't fall asleep. He actually didn't bat an eyelid for all this displeasure of grandeur. His only company was the young dragon, which was sleeping at his feet.

Aithusa was still skinny and scared, but she seemed to enjoy her new life.

Before the sun rose, they were already out, wandering around the closest villages, trying to gain people's respect. Merlin had felt he couldn't have stayed too long inside as the pressure of the decisions he had to take weighed heavy on his shoulders.

The warlock didn't like what he saw. People were to poor and hungry and they hardly had were to live. The taxes were high, the physician asked for a fee the ills couldn't pay; the crops were barren; the wells had run dry; they wish for the rain and feared it at the same time as the water usually dropped from their roofs, damping the air and placing mildew on the walls.

The rich ones were hungry for power and gold. He'd learnt that when he saw how easily they betrayed their king. And they were cowards and they were lazy. Merlin was surrounded by flatterers and fools. They spoke lies. Half of them didn't dare to tell him the truth and the other half couldn't find it.

The knights were good fighters. Their skills might rival the Camelot knights but they were disunited. There was no sense of loyalty, no friendship between them. They were willing to sell their comrades if they were to gain something by doing it.

Soldiers were only fathers and sons of those poor peasants, who tried to make ends meet. They were fighting for a slice of bread. Their respect towards the lords and royalties came from their fear, the fear of losing their families or their job without which they wouldn't be able to feed their family.

Servants were afraid of him. Merlin suspected they were afraid of every lord of the castle, but his power and his magic had gained him such a dark aura that none of them wish to met the warlock for fear they would end dead should they were to make the slightest mistake.

And even the servants were such cowards that they'd sent a young girl to deliver his meal. The poor girl was so afraid and her hands were shaken so badly that she would have slipped the food down on the floor if the warlock hadn't kept it in air using magic. Eventually, the girl calmed down upon seeing him smiling so lovely.

Merlin ate little, but he invited her to finish the meal. From that moment on, Eren, the young servant, really loved him.

And all of them were complaining. The people...they all want something, money or land or justice.

And there were the magical beings. Too afraid to show their face in Armata...too few to fight against their oppressors...too damaged to know what kindness felt like and too hardened to offer it back to others.

And Nimueh...the so called new queen of this land was such a cruel and ignorant serpent.

Merlin felt it was his destiny to do something. It was his chance to bring back not only the Old Religion, but also the prosperity to this land.

"I wish I knew what to do, Aithusa. For a moment I've considered abandoning all those and run away with Morgana. But I can't. Those people need me."

"Stay then." the little dragon mentally told him.

"And Morgana?"

"She'll be your queen."

"Do you think she really wants that?"

"There's only a person who is able to offer the answer you're searching for." The young dragon answered wisefully.

* * *

Morgana was pacing when he entered her room. The High Priestess was still furious.

"What do you want, Merlin? You come to ask me if I finish packing, don't you? Nimueh made sure everything is ready. It was so sweet of her, wasn't it?" She said bitterly.

"Please, Morgana, stop trying to hurt Nimueh. Don't you see you're hurting yourself? That's how the link works."

"I'm long sick with listening to you, Merlin. I don't care it hurts me as long it hurts her too."

"I kept my promise. I set you free." Merlin said simply.

"What about the promise you'll never leave me? So much for your petty promises."

"Do you want to go?" Merlin asked surprising her. "Today I realize I can't run away. This is my chance to create a better world. That's my destiny."

"And it has to be Nimueh."

"No...but… Even if I manage to kill her there will still be hundreds of people who will hate me and you're my vulnerability. You'll never be safe."

"I pretty capable to take care of myself, Merlin. I'm not so easy to kill"

"But you can be hurt. And that's something I would never forgive myself if it were to happen."

She was quiet now. "I love you, Morgana, but you don't want this life. I see it in your eyes. I fear I won't be able to offer you all the affection you need. You know what I mean, don't you?" She nodded. He went on.

"I don't want to promise I won't leave you, when I'm aware I will have to, should a war starts. I'll be a liar if I tell I'll give you whole my time when I know the kingdom will require a lot of it. Sometimes you'll have to wait; you'll feel ignored. Maybe I'll be grumpy when you expect me to joke and smile. Do you want this life?"

"It's...overwhelming." She pointed out. "This world you want to create. Aithusa told me about your journey in the villages, about your plans. I hated that I won't be here to see it, but…. I don't know if I am able to do it. I just want to be happy and loved and...I couldn't bare being ignored and...no, I don't want this life, Merlin."

"I know." Merlin covered the space between them and he dragged her towards him. He put his finger under her chin and lifted her head, so she was looking up into his eyes. "Would you let me kiss you for the first and last time, my pixy?" The High Priestess nodded, tears in her eyes. She tried to force a smile and she let her body sink in his arms while his lips touched hers gently at first and then it turned overwhelming and wild, love and fury mixed together.

"I love you, Morgana. I've alway had." the warlock whispered in her ears and he pressed a gentle kiss on the top of her ear. "How much I hate to do it, but I have too, Gana." His eyes eyes shone gold and she fell into oblivion.

* * *

When she woke up she remembered meeting a man named Elias. He'd helped her during her imprisonment. He was there for her whenever she needed and he'd shown her life could be great. One day he would return and they would build that world they'd dreamt about.

* * *

"Merlin! I… I was thinking….maybe" she babbled undecided whether to let her vanity apart or not. "I want to end this war between us." Morgana finally said the words. It hadn't been easy, but she'd felt the urge to do it. "I've realized that killing Arthur was a mistake, a mistake I won't be able to fix, but….I want it to end….He wanted to. Elias taught me there is another way and...I'm sorry, Merlin."

"It's alright, my lady."

"Is it?" She smiled so lovely.

"I hope you could forgive me."

"I made a lots of mistakes too. Are you going to bring back the Old Religion?"

"That's what I wished for from the start. And so do you. If you need anything, my lady..."

"You've done enough, Merlin. Goodbye." She gave him her hand and the warlock pressed a kiss on it. Morgana was under the impression he kept it too long, but she liked it, though.

"And Morgana… You better try to speak with Gwen. Nimueh sent her a message asking her to consent to your being returned these lands, but it's best you make peace with her too. Right?" The lady nodded and she hurried to her horse.

The warlock watched her disappear and it hurt. He felt tears in his eyes but he knew he couldn't afford that luxury. "Goodbye, my queen!" He felt a smoothy thing leaning on him.

"Aithusa?! I've thought…"

"I'll be staying with both of you, but in turns...Morgana has agreed on it. But I've thought you need me more now."

"Thank you!" Merlin kneeled and forced a smile. In just a moment, the little dragon was in his arms.


End file.
